To ask if you would let a new boyfriend bathe your 7 year old daughter?

(145 Posts)
TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 14:47:45

A friend of mine did this and I am not suggesting anything untoward went on at all but I found it very odd.

This little girl has had to cope to witnessing DV and now has to cope with a new man in her life almost immediately that her father left. Now 'friend' has him bathing her and completely stripping away her dignity imo.

AIBU to give this 'friend' a piece of my mind?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 22-Jan-13 15:59:28

As much as I think anybody who is not the child's actual parent should be assisting in the bathroom ( unless essential).

We have gone from helping a child wash her hair to he's in the bath with her call the police.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 16:03:44

Sorry, I misread the bit about getting in the bath. I still think it is wrong. The little girl would have been naked in the bath. The mum can wash the hair when she's at home with her.

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-13 16:05:00

Allaquandry - I repeat what Cailin says, the mother and BF have only been together for 6 months and the DD has already witnessed DV (see opening post); the mother introduced this new BF almost as soon as the father left home.

Of course we don't know all the facts but it all sounds horribly upsetting Jeremy Kyle ish for the young girl. sad

WantsToBeFree Tue 22-Jan-13 16:05:08

I wouldn't even be comfortable with the idea of her own father helping her bathe. The new boyfriend- definitely not! I find it rather disturbing to be honest.

It could be a cultural thing, because some cultures are very open about nudity etc.

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 22-Jan-13 16:06:40

Why would he want to?

I don't wash my 7 year old.

FreePeaceSweet Tue 22-Jan-13 16:09:32

This AIBU has the dubious honour of being the very first one to make my blood run cold just from the title.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 22-Jan-13 16:10:50

NO bloody way

And Cailin. That is just awful. It's just too easy for them to get away with it, isn't it?

AuntieMaggie Tue 22-Jan-13 16:13:35

Depends what 'help her wash' means...

When my 7 YO DN stays I help him get in and out of the bath cos its deep and sit chatting to him while he's in the bath, wash his hair and make sure he washes himself... to me that's helping him wash... I also help dry him apart from his 'bits' and put cream on his back, arms, legs, belly as he has eczema. I've always done this and didn't think there was anything wrong with it. He likes me to 'bath him'.

I can't help feeling that we don't actually know what the man in the OP actually did when bathing the child but he is being judged on just a little bit of information.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:16:05

Please accept my profuse apologies in advance but the little girl was me and the memory I have is of him scrubbing my body with a nailbrush.

It is only since I have been going through therapy that I have realised how this memory upsets me and panics me.

I needed to ask others opinions to make sure I'm not making more of it than I should be.

LesBOFerables Tue 22-Jan-13 16:17:19

It shows very poor judgement on the part of the mother, regardless of whether anything untoward is going on.

Remotecontrolduck Tue 22-Jan-13 16:18:09

I don't think he even needs to be in the bathroom at any point at all when the DD is washing. Seriously, it's just not neccessary at all. He can help the mum out with the kids in other ways, but there is NO need for this.

This isn't paedo hysteria, it's respect for your children and common sense.

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:18:13

Maggie you are the child's aunt, so you are a trusted member of the family. The bf is someone the mother has known for 6 months - surely you can see the difference??

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:19:01

Presumably though AuntieMaggie that, as his aunt, you have been in his life since the start. You have a relationship with him and with his parents.

Even without there being anything 'dodgy' about this man, the relationship he has with this little girl isn't comparable with the one you have with your nephew.

I'm a LP now and I wouldn't be thinking about introducing someone to my children at 6 months let alone allowing him to bathe my daughter in the house alone.

NellysKnickers Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:44

7 yr old ds bathes himself pretty much. He would be so embarrassed if someone he didn't know that well saw him naked. This seems very odd.

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:55

X-posted Teen - sorry to hear it was you.

Did the man stay in yours and your mother's life?

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-13 16:20:55

Teen that is very sad, I hope you are getting support from the therapy? sad. You can tell by everyone's comments that it was totally inappropriate. I am sorry that you have such horrible memories.

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:21:15

I hope you don't get flamed for this Teen. I'm not surprised it's a troublesome memory for you now.

Your mother should have protected you.

I think your best advice OP is from those saying to speak with the police or the school. Or both. This is definitely strange.

My SILs ex was very interested in children; SIL had a 3.5 year old boy then and DD was a year old and he was always on at us to let them babysit. He was desperate for SIL to get pregnant so he could have a child of his own. This was enough of a red flag for me and we were so glad when SIL ended the relationship due to his controlling ways. TBH the fact that he is younger than her, she's already pregnant and he's living with her already, in addition to him being her first relationship following a violent one strike me as red flags. Him bathing the 7 year old DD is just the final straw.

(disclaimer: I'm not saying all age gaps are bad, nor that moving fast is neccessarily a bad thing either, but all combined make me uneasy due to similar looking relationships I've observed that have had worrying issues throughout)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Tue 22-Jan-13 16:21:51

Oh OP.

I am assuming there's other stuff that you remember as well

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:22:18

Yes, he is. I feel very angry and betrayed by my mother.

X-post Teen. I'm so sorry for you sad

CailinDana Tue 22-Jan-13 16:23:57

I feel more angry towards my mother than I do towards the man who abused me Teen because she had a duty to protect me and she didn't, instead she all but offered me up for abuse. Have you ever talked to her about how you feel?

TroublesomeEx Tue 22-Jan-13 16:24:40

Have you ever spoken with your mother about this?

Tbh, I can imagine the sort of thing she'd say. There are some very selfish and silly women around sad

NellysKnickers Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:11

Oh Teen, that's awful, sending you an extremely unmumsnetty hug.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Tue 22-Jan-13 16:25:32

No Jamie I have more or less a total memory block until secondary school age. I have always had that memory though. It's all very odd.

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