To stop doing washing

(34 Posts)
Carriemoo Sun 20-Jan-13 23:04:55

Apologies for any spelling mistakes. I am really quite annoyed at the moment and am on my mobile.

I am going to stop doing anyones washing but my own. My OH has a little boy (5year old) who comes to us every sat to sunday. I do both their washing. I put it in my DSS's room for my OH to put away -never been my job to put his washing away. So i go in his room tonight and the last lot of washing has been thrown off the end of the bed when OH made his bed yesterday and just thrown on the floor... i think this is just the end of my tether. It would have taken him 3 minutes max to put his washing away. I also have two piles of washing to put away tonight both mine his and DSS and i asked OH to help and he said no.

I feel fed up, i feel constantly like i'm picking stuff up, putting it away and he does nothing. Its not just with washing, he will make a sandwich on the side and just sweep all the crumbs on to the floor. He made a pizza tonight and put the pizza tray back into the oven -not in the dishwasher or in the sink - back into the oven.

Are my standards too high? he thinks once a week is ok to wash the sides down or once every 2 weeks to sweep the floor.

I've just mentioned his sons washing and hes gone off at me to stop getting on at him and hes stomped off to put his washing away and is slamming drawers shut sighsad

steppemum Mon 21-Jan-13 14:26:52

I mean it is our house not my house, so he has a rght to do it his way too

steppemum Mon 21-Jan-13 14:20:45

the thing is, that you need to sit down and talk about expectations.

This isn't really about teh washing, as you said yourself, it is about who is responsible for the household tasks.

He will be very influenced by his upbringing over whos job is whos, but that doesn't mean he can't change.

You need to sit down and talk, ask about who did what in his house, ask about what he thinks is fair if you are both working, who should do what.

make a list of all the jobs. Don't forget the things he does, things like bins or cutting lawn (I know I am stereotyping) put a note next to each thing about how often it should be done (weekly/monthly/nightly)

One thing he needs to understand is that he is not a child at home, but an equal in a relationship. If you do everthing, you arenot an equal you are his cleaner.

We have a rule, that if I cook dh clears up. But I know others who say their OH is too messy, so they have it that either cook and clear up, and you take turns during the week.
You need to establish what is a reasonable timescale too, is it ok to leave clearing up til the morning, provided it actually gets done?

Then divide the list, let him choose which jobs he is going to do (or take turns choosing a job each) Agree to do thise jobs for 1 month.

Once a job is his responsibility, you then need to back off, let him do it his way and don't comment. At the end of the month you can both assess how it is going. One thing is though, my dh does some things differently to how I would do them. It is our house. As long as it is done, I need to let him do it his way, my way isn't right, just different.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 13:53:57

There's mess and there's filthy.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 21-Jan-13 13:47:20

Some people are just less annoyed by mess than others. Even women. So, they tend to plop things down wherever they happen to be and not notice the mess.

That doesn't really change. But, such people can make a point of doing general cleaning on a routine basis.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 21-Jan-13 12:45:21

Katy, I don't think anyone would excuse a woman, a mother (don't forget, this man is a father) as 'just being slobbish'. Cleaning up after oneself without having to be told and told and told is one of the marks of adulthood. Too many men are evidently allowed to grow up believing it's some woman's job.

Carrie, I presume the issue with the house is covering the mortgage? Could you find a housemate if you decided to throw him out, which I am beginning to think you should?

It sounds like he's making such an issue of pulling his weight that you'll give up and do it yourself - and it seems to be working. This is deliberate, conscious disrespect.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 21-Jan-13 12:35:06

OP if you want to get the thread moved, just report your first post and ask MNHQ to move it.

It's shit that you're going through this.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 12:30:58

Whose name is the house in? Whose names is the loan in?

Sorry, but this person doesn't respect you.

specialsubject Mon 21-Jan-13 11:09:24

it's not so much about who does the washing as 'are you a team?' I do most of the washing, shopping, housework, himself does the garden, DIY, chops wood, bloke stuff like that. Cooking is whoever feels like doing it. We can both do each other's jobs if needed but we are each better at our own. The point is that we both feel the other pulls their weight.

you appear to be a housemaid for someone who doesn't. Time to tell it like it is to him.

" I need to get out of a financial mess at the moment before I make any decisions."

" We are financially linked - i.e. have a loan together and my parents bought us a house - which again if we split up they would have to look to sell which is another thing that makes me feel guilty if I wanted to leave as the market for sellers is not great at the moment."
OK, lets deal with finance first. I am a great believer in having your feet clear (of debt), it can use up a lot of your emotional energy if your finances are bad; and force your hand in what decisions you make, as you have acknowledged Carriemoo. Once you're straight with what you're doing with your money, a lot of other stuff often falls into place.

What is the nature of the financial mess? Is it to do with the house or other things (debt/work/impending essential repairs etc.)? How much longer does the loan run and can you afford it? Who owns the house, you & DP or your parents?

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 21-Jan-13 10:39:18

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

I hope that you can talk to him - not just nag him but sit him down and talk to him - and get it across that this may end the relationship.

He will probably never be a tidy person. You may have to settle for him having a few things he will do routinely, like putting away washing, loading the dishwasher, etc. But the general slobbishness is probably just a character trait.

MrsKoala Mon 21-Jan-13 10:38:58

i put dh's washing folded on the bed and he chucks it on the floor. i just step over it and make sure it's all on the floor on his side of the bed.

the difference i suppose is dh doesn't expect me to do it, and doesn't care if i don't.

Carriemoo Mon 21-Jan-13 10:18:35

Thanks for all the responses guys - sorry I've taken a while to reply am diving in and out of work at the moment. I thought you would all say I was being unreasonable for not putting his sons clothes away.

Just for a bit of background; I've been with him for 4 years now - no I don't have any children yet and the one thing that would stop me at the moment is I know this would get worse- he would do nothing if we had a child. I don't want to leave him - he makes me laugh and I love him but I don't know how to get across to him that I am not his mother. We are financially linked - i.e. have a loan together and my parents bought us a house - which again if we split up they would have to look to sell which is another thing that makes me feel guilty if I wanted to leave as the market for sellers is not great at the moment.

Before he lived with me, he lived with his mother - she did everything for him and I think he has naturally taken to that meaning I will too.
I don't know how I started doing all of his washing but it just happened and eventually its got to me doing everything. If he makes dinner he will not bother putting any pans in the sink/ dishwasher or put any rubbish in the bin - he will just leave it on the side so I have to sort it all out and its becoming a issue in that I will just cook rather than him make the mess and leave me to clear it up.

A example of this was he went to a festival a couple of months back - i stayed in bed as they were going early - eventually I got up and the lounge was a state- they had stayed up late drinking beer and eating pizza and had been to the shop that morning and had got breakfast - everything had been left on the sofa, flung on the floor - my lounge was a tip.

He will put washing on only if i ask him (and huffs and puffs about it) and then will leave it in the washing machine so it eventually smells and i have to re-wash. If i ask him to help me hang anything up on the airer he gets huffy and puffy and will sigh at me.

I don't know how to change him/ if I can change him - I am going to buy a washing basket today so he can have his stuff in one and mine in another.
If i stand over him he gets annoyed and will stomp around but how can I not - if he drops something on the floor he wont wipe it up and it becomes a hazard....

He used to get up on a Sunday and clean the kitchen from top to bottom - I can't think of the last time he got the mop out - he tells me I don't hoover but I've used the hoover a lot more times than he has in the last 6 months - or even picked up the sweeping brush for the kitchen. He will use his hand to wipe down the kitchen side.

I'm just having a vent at the moment I think. I don't know what my next move will be - I need to get out of a financial mess at the moment before I make any decisions.

Norks - yes its the respect I think I am after - its the not leaving your rubbish around - I wouldnt care about doing washing if I actually got a thanks once in a while.

This thread will probably turn into me ranting for ages because i think there are so many more issues - this is just one that has come boiling to the surface - but I love him and he makes me laugh but he is selfish.

I think I should probably get this moved to relationships?

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 09:25:39

This person sounds like a different kettle of fish, though, Pretty. sad

PrettyKitty1986 Mon 21-Jan-13 09:05:47

I have similar issues with df but he's not lazy in so many ways that i find it really difficult to not sound unreasonable when discussing it with him hmm
He will make three days worth of meals for us all on his day off...spend hours doing it but then only do one dishwasher load and leave the rest on the side. He'll wash and dry 3 loads on one day , but never puts it away, just leaves it in a big pile on our bed. He,ll have big cleaning sprees where he'll sort out the kids room, pull it apart and empty all the drawers and make a pile of any clothes that don't fit and broken toys... And leave it all in a big pile in the corner.
I feel like his mother sometimes, constantly running after him and finishing jobs that he hasn't done 'properly'. But all I get in return is 'how can you moan about me not putting a few clothes away when I've done 3 loads of washing today?' Why are you whining about a few dishes when I've cooked all this food?' Etc.
I'd rather he did less jobs but finished them completely and it's got to the point where I'm dreading what I find on a Wednesday when I've been in work and he's had the day off. He's not lazy just scatty and thoughtless but it winds me up none the less.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 08:40:24

Exactly, Norks. It's this: 'I feel fed up, i feel constantly like i'm picking stuff up, putting it away and he does nothing. Its not just with washing, he will make a sandwich on the side and just sweep all the crumbs on to the floor. He made a pizza tonight and put the pizza tray back into the oven -not in the dishwasher or in the sink - back into the oven.'

I see you are living with this man, if you don't have children with him STOP living with him. Because he's showing you by this behaviour that he doesn't respect you.

And yes, I'd say the same about a woman who does this.

Well, you CAN do washing the and it NOT signify the end of feminism in Britain.

I do all the family washing and ironing BUT everyone is grateful and says thank you and puts it away in their own haphazard system. Other family members do other chores and I thank them

It is not the washing that is the problem but the attitude and atmosphere between you that is the problem.

More examples of how your relationship works...

twofingerstoGideon Mon 21-Jan-13 07:36:11

springdiva why should OP 'leave all nice, clean, folded washing' for her OH? She is not his maid.

Time to adjust expectations in the relationship I think!

ripsishere Mon 21-Jan-13 07:00:34

Why would you need to ask if YABU, it is entirely clear that you aren't.

Springdiva Mon 21-Jan-13 06:58:04

I didn't do this but wish I had.

Don't put washing away. (except for yours)

Leave all nice, clean, folded washing in the utility room or, if you don't have one, in the wash basket by the stairs.

Then DP and DCs can nip and get what they want in the morning before they get dressed.
This might also result in a huge drop in the amount of washing you have to do!

You might have to put everyone's clothes separately so that they don't mess up anyone else's pile.

ZillionChocolate Mon 21-Jan-13 06:37:24

Write a list of all the domestic tasks that need doing and how long they take. Sit down with him and take it in turns to chose tasks from the list. If you're both working, you should be sharing the load equally. I couldn't live with someone who wouldn't accept that principle.

How long have you been together Carriemoo? And how long have you lived together? Before that, where did he live and what were his domestic standards like there?

pinkstinks Sun 20-Jan-13 23:58:03

Is he physically unable to do his/his sons washing?

TalkativeJim Sun 20-Jan-13 23:35:39

Geeeeettttt rrrriiiiiiddddddd!!!!

grin

Porkster Sun 20-Jan-13 23:30:32

Why did you start doing his washing in the first place?

He sounds like a lazy git.

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