To stop doing washing

(34 Posts)
Carriemoo Sun 20-Jan-13 23:04:55

Apologies for any spelling mistakes. I am really quite annoyed at the moment and am on my mobile.

I am going to stop doing anyones washing but my own. My OH has a little boy (5year old) who comes to us every sat to sunday. I do both their washing. I put it in my DSS's room for my OH to put away -never been my job to put his washing away. So i go in his room tonight and the last lot of washing has been thrown off the end of the bed when OH made his bed yesterday and just thrown on the floor... i think this is just the end of my tether. It would have taken him 3 minutes max to put his washing away. I also have two piles of washing to put away tonight both mine his and DSS and i asked OH to help and he said no.

I feel fed up, i feel constantly like i'm picking stuff up, putting it away and he does nothing. Its not just with washing, he will make a sandwich on the side and just sweep all the crumbs on to the floor. He made a pizza tonight and put the pizza tray back into the oven -not in the dishwasher or in the sink - back into the oven.

Are my standards too high? he thinks once a week is ok to wash the sides down or once every 2 weeks to sweep the floor.

I've just mentioned his sons washing and hes gone off at me to stop getting on at him and hes stomped off to put his washing away and is slamming drawers shut sighsad

" I need to get out of a financial mess at the moment before I make any decisions."

" We are financially linked - i.e. have a loan together and my parents bought us a house - which again if we split up they would have to look to sell which is another thing that makes me feel guilty if I wanted to leave as the market for sellers is not great at the moment."
OK, lets deal with finance first. I am a great believer in having your feet clear (of debt), it can use up a lot of your emotional energy if your finances are bad; and force your hand in what decisions you make, as you have acknowledged Carriemoo. Once you're straight with what you're doing with your money, a lot of other stuff often falls into place.

What is the nature of the financial mess? Is it to do with the house or other things (debt/work/impending essential repairs etc.)? How much longer does the loan run and can you afford it? Who owns the house, you & DP or your parents?

specialsubject Mon 21-Jan-13 11:09:24

it's not so much about who does the washing as 'are you a team?' I do most of the washing, shopping, housework, himself does the garden, DIY, chops wood, bloke stuff like that. Cooking is whoever feels like doing it. We can both do each other's jobs if needed but we are each better at our own. The point is that we both feel the other pulls their weight.

you appear to be a housemaid for someone who doesn't. Time to tell it like it is to him.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 12:30:58

Whose name is the house in? Whose names is the loan in?

Sorry, but this person doesn't respect you.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 21-Jan-13 12:35:06

OP if you want to get the thread moved, just report your first post and ask MNHQ to move it.

It's shit that you're going through this.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Mon 21-Jan-13 12:45:21

Katy, I don't think anyone would excuse a woman, a mother (don't forget, this man is a father) as 'just being slobbish'. Cleaning up after oneself without having to be told and told and told is one of the marks of adulthood. Too many men are evidently allowed to grow up believing it's some woman's job.

Carrie, I presume the issue with the house is covering the mortgage? Could you find a housemate if you decided to throw him out, which I am beginning to think you should?

It sounds like he's making such an issue of pulling his weight that you'll give up and do it yourself - and it seems to be working. This is deliberate, conscious disrespect.

KatyTheCleaningLady Mon 21-Jan-13 13:47:20

Some people are just less annoyed by mess than others. Even women. So, they tend to plop things down wherever they happen to be and not notice the mess.

That doesn't really change. But, such people can make a point of doing general cleaning on a routine basis.

expatinscotland Mon 21-Jan-13 13:53:57

There's mess and there's filthy.

steppemum Mon 21-Jan-13 14:20:45

the thing is, that you need to sit down and talk about expectations.

This isn't really about teh washing, as you said yourself, it is about who is responsible for the household tasks.

He will be very influenced by his upbringing over whos job is whos, but that doesn't mean he can't change.

You need to sit down and talk, ask about who did what in his house, ask about what he thinks is fair if you are both working, who should do what.

make a list of all the jobs. Don't forget the things he does, things like bins or cutting lawn (I know I am stereotyping) put a note next to each thing about how often it should be done (weekly/monthly/nightly)

One thing he needs to understand is that he is not a child at home, but an equal in a relationship. If you do everthing, you arenot an equal you are his cleaner.

We have a rule, that if I cook dh clears up. But I know others who say their OH is too messy, so they have it that either cook and clear up, and you take turns during the week.
You need to establish what is a reasonable timescale too, is it ok to leave clearing up til the morning, provided it actually gets done?

Then divide the list, let him choose which jobs he is going to do (or take turns choosing a job each) Agree to do thise jobs for 1 month.

Once a job is his responsibility, you then need to back off, let him do it his way and don't comment. At the end of the month you can both assess how it is going. One thing is though, my dh does some things differently to how I would do them. It is our house. As long as it is done, I need to let him do it his way, my way isn't right, just different.

steppemum Mon 21-Jan-13 14:26:52

I mean it is our house not my house, so he has a rght to do it his way too

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