please share your tragic stories with me to help me. Or do me an Ocado.

(60 Posts)
InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 14:58:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 20-Jan-13 17:00:20

I am the last person on earth and you are all in my imagination. You'd better hope I don't fall asleep. grin

TrampyPants Sun 20-Jan-13 17:01:11

Weellll, as you all know I am an impoverished surgeon who was swindled out of her life savings by an albanian prince named Derek. Derek and I had a torrid affair, and when I went into spontaneous labour with the quads (I had no idea I was with child) he left me for the poolboy, who later became a girl. I recently discovered that Derek was really my uncle, and his lover, my cousin. I then lost an ear and 6 toes in a boating incident.

I can no longer afford to feed my 7 dc's anything but cabbage water.

Please help.

MrsGeologist Sun 20-Jan-13 17:03:45

I've just taken in a poor family (of stoats) and they need F&M caviar, but I'm currently too poor to buy it, as I'm waiting for funds to be sent to me after I helped out a Nigerian Prince friend.

Me and my five attractive lesbian housemates all have to share a bed after we sold them to fund the stoats' caviar habit.

Is this helping you, OP?

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 20-Jan-13 17:06:05

Fuck the lot of you. When I was eighteen I married the love of my life who then turned out to be a seventy yr old snail called Alfred who was very good at disguises.

My 38yr old daughter from a previous relationship was so upset that she moved away from home to live with a lemon tree. Unfortunately, on her way she was run over by a rampaging poster paint deliverer and now ill never get to tell her that the lemon tree was in fact her long lost brother.

Since then I've had to sell gloves woven from my own public hair just to feed my seven remaining children. I'm finding this harder and harder to do now that I've had my hands cut off by the courts after I was convicted of witchcraft but I'm still struggling on.

Little Dave is doing his best to help out financially but not everyone appreciates butt cheek buffing on their windscreens at traffic lights so any money he makes is going on paying compensation fines.

Still, at least I still have my teeth. In a pot on the windowsill. Tomorrow's my seventeenth birthday. I'd love to be able to afford to treat myself but I guess it will be hand knitted sprouts for dinner again.

Groovee Sun 20-Jan-13 17:17:19

I've met the man of my dreams. He keeps telling me about his School called Hogwarts, but everytime I google it, it doesn't show. He keeps telling me any children we'll have will be magic. Does he think he's Paul Daniels or something?

He's got a best mate who's a girl, who's rather odd and her hair?? It's wild. He's got a male best mate who's a right weirdo.

Will this last???

ChristmasJubilee Sun 20-Jan-13 17:41:10

TrampyPants were the 6 toes from the same foot? That makes a difference.

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:54

Come come, where's the OP gone?
This has been an illuminating thread so far. I've found out about road thumpers and clarified Porto's location.
This'll excite you OP, I'm off to bed now. For real, with my 11.8 DD since DH refuses to put the A/C on in our bedroom.

NinthWavingAtTheSnowman Sun 20-Jan-13 18:13:25

I'm just a nubile fresh-faced female student girl who lives at home with my aunt while I do my studenty studies. My parents were tragically killed in a waterskiing accident just a week after my birth.
It's so hard just me and my aunt. I'm a female lady-woman with needs. Please all tell me about the best way to diddle myself off. I'm a lady, after all, just like you ladies.

TrampyPants Sun 20-Jan-13 18:18:26

Jubilee, they were, that leaves me with just one toe on my left side. Luckily this does not affect my ability to dance.

I also enjoy being tied up and spanked by other ladies. Does anyone share my lustings?

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 18:20:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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