to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

(232 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:12:19

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:07

basically, he is being a selfish git, and really needs to rtake his head out of his own arse and put himself in your shoes for a little bit.

and to be understanding towards you.

I only have one child to deal with, but by god! does she get on my last nerve sometimes!

like now, she's mobile enough to have climbed up the stairs and has been throwing magazines down the stairs.

I have retrieved her and put the magazines away twice in the last 10 minutes (with a bit of a delay on my response)
I have now put a barrier over the top of the stairs and put her and the magazines further onto the landing so she can't throw them (because sod's law says eventually she would be throwing herself, and I can't see round corners)
she'll be happy enough until she gets lonely and wants to come downstairs, whereupon, she'll start whingeing, screaming or crying and going "muimimimiimimimimimiimimi" until I fetch her.
then she'll be clingy for about an hour, then she'll be hungry and thirsty and want a nap.
but she won't go down for a nap, she'll need feeding to sleep, and then she'll sleep on me.

so that's your 12month old dealt with.
now let's add your 2.5yo.
i don't even know what 2.5 yo do, but I have storytime on a tuesday, and I have a couple of 2.5yo at that. after 1 hour of storytime, it takes me an hour to tidy up because they've been running round the shop, pulling stuff off shelves, playing with the toys and "tidying up" (because 2.5yo version of Tidying up might as well just not bother!)

and that's before I've managed to get myself a drink.

If I didn't have DH coming in at lunch to make me a sandwich and a cup of tea, I would be eating nothing all day and just giving DD her food and drink.
and if i get hungry once she's decided to BF!!!
well, there's no chance, i might as well die.

So what happens when your 2.5yo is bored, hungry, thirsty when you've just settled down to BF your 12mo? you can't get up, can you? which means you'll have a nagging, whingeing 2.5yo calling for you for an hour, or you'll get up and help her whilst the 12mo is (very heavy) trying to stay latched on. which will just annoy and hurt.
so, you manage to get something to entertain the 2.5yo. (providing she hasn't already helped herself to the contents of the kitchen or bathroom cupboard)

What time is it now? about 1pm?
how long till DH gets home? 5 hours?
oh good, maybe in that time you'll get to go to the toilet.

but wait, you really need a poo, and 12mo is being clingy, but you can't put him down because he'll cry, so you take him to the toilet. and getting trousers/tights/knickers down whilst holding a baby is sooo easy.

and because your pelvic floor is shot from birth, you can only poo in a certain position, so either the 12mo goes on the floor and screams or you squash him.
and in the meantime, 2.5yo is sitting in front of you saying random things like "why is the sky blue?" "it's cold isn't it mummy" "why is your bum hairy?" "I'm going to have ice cream on the moon tonight" etc
and then randomly runs off and starts making noises from elsewhere when you can't see what she's doing, and you certainly can't move! so you sit for 5 minutes panicking about what mess you'll have to clear up,.
and 12mo has decided you're now uncomfy to sit on, so he wriggles and writhes to be put down and then decides to ransack the bathroom just out of your reach.
then you stand up to wipe yourself (that's presuming that this time you've actually finished your poo).
you never knew a 12mo could move so fast - before you've finished wiping and pulled up your knickers, he's got his hands in the toilet bowl - you haven't even flushed!!

now you've got to wash him (and the floor)
and you still don't know what your 2.5yo is up to, but she's yellling mummy so loudly, it can only be a tin can on the head (or the bin)

.....................................

yea, i can see how you don't need a break when he gets in from work hmm

catwisd Sat 19-Jan-13 15:34:49

Do you have any plans to return to work?

FantasticMax Sat 19-Jan-13 15:37:49

I feel for you, I get that it's hard to get a proper break when you live in a small flat.

In your situation I would leave the house for an hour myself, perhaps go for a walk or to an exercise class, or even to this supermarket cafe with a book and drink some coffee. I think it's unfair to drag two small children out of the house so close to their bedtime when they're probably grumpy and tired.

I would also bring forward bedtime to 7pm. I would view the time between children going to bed and me going to bed as my break. And just suck it up during the day. Do both children still nap? Presumably the 12mo old still will? Stick some cartoons on for the older one and rest with a cup of tea on the sofa.

I work 4 days a week in a professional occupation, and I have similar hours to your husband. From my point of view being at work IS a break. Yes it is stressful but it's a different type of stress to dealing with the kids all day. Do you think you might benefit from doing some PT work and enjoy the mental stimulation?

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:28

Mutt. Its not about point scoring. They are both under pressures but different pressures that have a different effect. His feeling of being responsible for bringing home the bacon doesn't affect the ops feeling of going insane if she doesn't get any peace. It doesn't affect it in anyway.

He can still take the kids off her hands without it making his feeling of being the breadwinner any worse.

The only way the op can help him with his, is to go back to work and somehow earn enough to cover the childcare of two kids. Something which neither of them might want anyway.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:36

So who is BU?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:41:49

I do agree that you should leave the flat, too, actually.

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

and make sure he does the bedtime routine before you get back.

sometimes, I go upstairs to do something and take DH the nighttime stuff, and then disappear for half an hour.

he usually gets DD ready for bed, but sometimes he doesn't think about it, and if i return and she's not ready, I'll turn around again and disappear.

I get frustrated when DH doesn't think about my need for a break, but he wouldn't be so cruel as to tell me i don't need one!

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:43:03

You are NBU in your need for a break.
he is NBU about not wanting to take the kids to the supermarket.
He is BU that he won't take over the childcare for an hour when he gets home.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:44:44

So what happens when your 2.5yo is bored, hungry, thirsty when you've just settled down to BF your 12mo? you can't get up, can you? which means you'll have a nagging, whingeing 2.5yo calling for you for an hour, or you'll get up and help her whilst the 12mo is (very heavy) trying to stay latched on.

Yes that's exactly the scenario sad Luckily I put her in her 'chair' to have her breakfast whilst I BF or else she would be climbing all over me whilst I try to feed her baby brother.

Do you have any plans to return to work?

I don't have a job to return to. I graduated from uni then got pregnant. DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:45:51

I don't like what your husband said about you struggling with motherhood. Not very supportive. You can still love your kids to bits but want to tear your hair out at the same time!!!

Do you think it was said with malace or could he really think that I hate motherhood?

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:46:15

YABU if you ask him to take out 2 toddlers to the supermarket at 6pm EVERY day.

YANBU to require one hour's break at 6pm EVERY day.

DH IBU to say you are "weak" and "hate motherhood".

DH IBU if he thinks he should get an hour to himself on returning from work.

you need to reframe the conversation...

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:47:53

it means that you dictate how long your break is for.

I think he'd be pissed off if it was longer than an hour. And as I don't drive, actually walking somewhere (pub, gym, where ever) I'd get there then have to come straight home.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:00

I think you both are. Him for what he said and not understanding how draining it is, and you for expecting to get to stay in the house/ expecting them to go to the supermarket every day.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:15

you need to reframe the conversation...

Can you give me an example

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:49:40

cycle there and back?

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:50:36

I've just seen that you are relatively young if you graduated then got pregnant - early twenties? Is your DH the same age? Aging isn't brilliant but it does give you perspective that can sometimes be lacking when you're younger. (God that sounds patronising, I genuinely don't mean it to.)

Do you want to do any further study/training etc for a career? Perhaps it would be good to pursue something?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:55:22

DH uses the "you've never worked a day in your life" card regularly.

Well that's not nice! angry I think i would use that as incentive to get a part time job, even just a Saturday job so that you can come home and say it was piss easy in comparison!

Or perhaps point out that he's never done a day looking after his children all by himself either!

(did you never have a part time job?)

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:58:26

Reframe the conversation
I mean, you need to stop telling him how exhausting motherhood is (which it is! But you just need to underemphasise that for a bit) and tell him how much having a break means to you, how much you appreciate him spending such quality time every day with the children, how it makes for a happy household and how you appreciate that he's tired too, and often stressed, but that once you get a break you can help him with the stressful elements of life by having the mental energy to plan and shop and cook and clean and etc.

I know this might sound like you're pandering to him. But really, when you can look past just what YOU need, and try to see what the other person needs, then it often means they are willing to meet you in the middle, instead of being entrenched in your opposing positions.

There is a compromise to be had for you both. But do tell him that it hurt your feelings that he implied that you were not good at motherhood. Try to be calm, and not accuse each other of anything, just let him know how you FEEL.

And get out of the house, for some leisure time on your own, at least once in a while. Your DH should too.

BarnYardCow Sat 19-Jan-13 16:00:15

No, YANBU. It is totally full on all day, apart from Dd2 nap time, and I feel the same.By number 4, I made sure I had some time away, even just to get a shower or get dressed in peace.

Meglet Sat 19-Jan-13 16:03:08

yanbu. I'm currently locked in my room with a cup of tea as I'm at breaking point. The kids are watching cbeebies.

Can you take up running? I run for my life whenever someone has the kids for a bit.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 16:05:06

If you find FT motherhood so intense and feel exhausted and touched-out your words) at the end of the day, why are you still BF a 12mo? Would stopping that, at least during the day, make your days slightly less draining?

Feelingood Sat 19-Jan-13 16:07:30

No YANBU spending all day with anyone is annoying and day after day has a cumulative affect.

If my DH is away I take them out after school pick up so at least I'm not in all four walls in house

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 16:09:16

Holla - that's really not a helpful comment.

the WHO recommends BFing to at least 2 years, so let's stick to that.

sometimes, the break of BFing is the only sane part of the day.

hmm

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 19-Jan-13 16:11:46

When I need a short break (leaving dc with dh), I often make myself a coffee, put it in one of those coffee-to-go mugs and take it out with me on a walk. if it's not -10 or tipping it down, it's fine. I sit on a bench, stroll along by the river, etc.

I'm not surprised he doesn't fancy the supermarket every evening any more, and (this is going to be controversial) I think an hour's break a day every day is a luxury with dc that age, as useful as it is, but I really don't like the sound of him 'playing the "you've never worked a day in your life" card'. What do you mean by that? Is he financially controlling?

Gomez Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:53

Really you both need to gets the idea you deserve a break out of daily expectations. You have to children under 3 and it is shit. It will get better.

You can't have it at both ends of the day either - you said you are not a morning family which suggests your two are not up at 5.30 to begin the daily torture. So get them to bed earlier and there you have your break. But you will lose it at the other end of he day - which is more important to you ?

Have a night each off - say from 6.30 to do with what you want -even if that is lying in bed within headphones watching iPlayer.

And think about what you want to do longer term. If it is to return to work then start planning how, when, what. If not, think about how you can cope longer term with SAHM, look at hobbies, home study maybe to provide some stimulus.

It is hard and you do have my sympathy but stop niggling at each other and try to work together.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 19-Jan-13 16:12:55

You need to get a job outside the home Op.
Being a SAHM is clearly not for you.
And that's not meant to be judgey at all, BTW.

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