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to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

(232 Posts)
BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 14:12:19

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

YANBU - I couldn't be a SAHM, it would drive me nuts (but I am lucky to have the option of working which isn't practical for everyone).

Are there any other ways for you to have a break? Could you go out in the evenings? DH and I take turns to do things in the evenings.

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:08:36

He does get a break - he gets a menatlly stimulating break.

he gets to go to work and be with adults - adults who don't expect him to look after him all the sodding time - adults who are quite capable of getting themselves a drink, or food, or going to the toilet.

he gets to talk to people who can understand him, and whom he can understand.
he doesn't need to teach those people anything.

(obviously scrap this if his job is teacher...)

Fakebook Sat 19-Jan-13 15:09:14

When I want a break I normally sit in the same room reading or catching up with TV programmes on iplayer, but dd in particular is told that its "daddy time" and that any game/role playing she want to do, will be done with her dad. Last night I was on the sofa watching Eastenders and dd and DH were on the floor playing pictionary on her magnetic board and ds (12m) was just pottering around. You can still have a break even if you're in the room if your DH makes sure he "takes over" from you properly.

cashmere Sat 19-Jan-13 15:09:40

Let them stay in but lock yourself in the bathroom with a book/magazine/phone.
Then he should keep them occupied so you're not disturbed not play half heartedly. Or he should give them a long bath buy some new bath toys/bubbles etc and you can sit elsewhere.

I think the key is if he stays in he has to work really hard to stop them pestering you.

Other 'outside' idea- put them in buggy and walk to chipshop/corner shop looking at the world in the dark (my toddler loves this).

YANBU I think you just need a bit of brain space. I expect he gets this getting ready for work (shower in peace?),travelling to work, drinking tea at work, using the toilet at work and possibly even 30 mins peace for lunch!

Another idea- could you go to supermarket and read a mag in cafe some nights?

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 19-Jan-13 15:10:29

Can't you go back to work, at least part-time? If you think of it as something you do for sanity rather than to earn money, you only need to earn enough to cover your childcare costs.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:10:49

it also sounds like you are both point scoring, not good.

Yeah I agree. "Competative tiredness" I think they call it. It's a never-ending battle of 'who has it the hardest' and I'm fed up.

Your DH is bang out of order with his comments about you and motherhood, actually quite manupulative

That's what my gut was telling me. I take motherhood very seriously so for someone to say that I hate my full time job, it just devalues everything I do. I feel like my job is nothing to him. Cause apparently if I'm not jumping around like Mr Tumble, then I hate motherhood? If he really thinks I hate motherhood, why is he happy having me take care of HIS children all day????? Would you let someone look after your children if you thought they hated it????

giraffesCantGoFirstFooting Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:11

what do you do during the day? do you have lots of friends to see with them?

TheWalkingDead Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:27

Sorry x-post with you OP. I think you will have to invest in headphones or earplugs and just hide away - we also live in a little house and I can hear the DCs all the time, but at least a door s blocking them off a tiny bit.

I understand what your DH is saying, but presumably he gets a lunch break? And can have a chat with colleagues? So he can read a book/listen to music for at least half an hour? I know that during a whole day with both children I can spend maybe 10 minutes not doing what they want....which is the time I use to wee and have a shower! Can you compromise on half an hour each if your DH won't do an hour? He could watch them for 30 minutes when he comes in and gives them a bath or dresses them in PJs, then you take over for storytime?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:11:59

"Also, what about the fight re: he doesn't get a break so why should I? "

plus,
(on top of my previous points)

he gets the journey time to and from work where he can wallow in his own thoughts for as long as he wants.

It's a shame you're BFing, because you could go on a week's holiday, making him take a week off work, and leave the kids with him all week.
then see how he likes it.

he gets to go to the toilet on his own, and not have little people following him in (or crying because they can't and you've left the room for 2 seconds)
he gets to make himself a drink in peace, food in peace, he gets to eat that food without having to clean up bits that have been thrown all over the floor

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:08

He does get a break - he gets a menatlly stimulating break.

He'd snap your head of for suggesting that. I envy him sometimes. I would love to have productive days, intellectually challanging days, where I get STUFF DONE.

sweetestB Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:11

I think you should probably change your routine, find some activities to do with the kids out of the house in the morning, start the day earlier and put kids to bed earlier, so you and your h can relax and enjoy yourselves more.

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:14:58

obviously scrap this if his job is teacher...

His job is a team manager of a team of computer geeks.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:15:17

YANBU to want a break for an hour.

YABVU to expect him to take them out to the supermarket every night after he gets in from work.

Why don't you try going to the supermarket every night knowing you aren't allowed to go home until the hour is up and see how you like it!

If you can't relax in your flat, you really need to find somewhere else to go if you need space.

Agree that the DC going to bed earlier would help as well.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:16:03

I don't think 8.30 is spectacularly late (ours in bed 8pm, often stretches past) but I'm trying to move it forward to 7.30pm. It got to 8pm as DH wanted time with the kids and is not back from work till 7pm. So their bedtime was to accommodate his desire to spend time with them.

So in my situation, I would certainly feel that 1 hour off from the kids as he walks in the door is my right!

If he wanted them up and me still entertaining them with him until 8.30pm then that wouldn't happen - I'd be setting their bedtime when it suited me. Would that be a solution, OP?

nickelbabe Sat 19-Jan-13 15:17:29

team manager of computer geeks, who presumably know how to dress themselves, go to the toilet on their own, make their own food, conduct conversations that actually make sense, can work without being told what to do at every stage, can make him a coffee if he's snowed under, answer the phone for him if he can't, do things for him when he asks, keep quiet when he needs to concentrate?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:21

I expect he gets this getting ready for work (shower in peace?),travelling to work, drinking tea at work, using the toilet at work and possibly even 30 mins peace for lunch!

Finally! Some people that get it. I'm crying reading this. He equates his work with mine. Some day he says his work is harder, some days he says they are on par. Yet I feel suffocated and exhausted by the end of the day. I can't imagine he feels the same - the feeling of being a slave, of being literally chained to these two creatures, of having given everything you can possibly give, and have nothing - nothing left to give. Like being completely drained.

what do you do during the day? do you have lots of friends to see with them?

I have to go out at least once a day or the kids will literally climb the walls of the flat, fight, etc. So I go to soft play, toddler groups, shops, etc. Although with the snow mounting up I am shitting myself.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:22

I don't think it's helpful to imply DH's job is easier than the OP's, or vice versa.

They are both doing jobs that are important and demanding in their own ways.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:20:46

I completely understand about it getting irritating, it does, because as you say you're doing the same thing all day everyday and it makes a person insane!

I've done the two kids in small flat thing and know what you mean about not being able to get a break and some peace. Its like being in the same room so what's the point.

I do think the supermarket everyday is too much, you need to do something different each day. Perhaps one you go for a run or a walk, one you pop to the shop, one you stay home and look after the kids together, one he gets to go for a run or something etc etc.

That's probably why he's got fed up of it, because he's doing the same thing after work everyday, although you could point out the similarities to how you feel. It a little ironic that he is criticising you for finding doing the same thing draining at the same time as complaining of doing the same thing!

Anyway i sympathise. I love my children with every bone in my body but am a better mum for having the occasional break. Not that i get it much! But i notice the difference when i do.

Work can be hard too but small children can be draining in a way all of their own. I think its because you have no control over your day. You can't just wee in peace or pop to the canteen for ten mins or surf the web like some people can at work.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:20

Do you not think he feels any pressure?

Having to be the sole breadwinner of a family of four?

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:22:52

team manager of computer geeks, who presumably know how to dress themselves, go to the toilet on their own, make their own food, conduct conversations that actually make sense, can work without being told what to do at every stage, can make him a coffee if he's snowed under, answer the phone for him if he can't, do things for him when he asks, keep quiet when he needs to concentrate?

I'm glad you get it. Why doesn't he?? He resents me for being weak sad

BlackMaryJanes Sat 19-Jan-13 15:24:26

*Do you not think he feels any pressure?

Having to be the sole breadwinner of a family of four?*

Yes, so what should we do?

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:27:20

I've made suggestions. But I'll reiterate...

Firstly, don't try and point score about how much harder your job is.

Secondly, don't expect him to take the kids out to the supermarket for an hour each day when he gets back from work.

Thirdly, you should be the one to remove yourself from the situation you've been in for the last 11 hours. Go out for a walk, to see a friend, to the shops, to the pub, to the library, to a Salsa class, to the supermarket...whatever floats your boat.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 19-Jan-13 15:27:26

Mutt. I would imagine he does but that's not the issue at the moment.

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Jan-13 15:29:44

Being charitable, it is hard for him to understand when he does not have the same experience you have i.e. how often does he parent the children for a whole day/overnight wakings/then the following day on his own? Not often, right? Probably, most of his time with the kids is also with you, at weekends or whatever? So he just won't be experiencing parenthood in the way that you are currently.

Do you get any time alone (nights out) to yourself? Does your DH? If no, start there.

Mutt Sat 19-Jan-13 15:30:08

fuckadoodle - I disagree. Recognising that each other's jobs are hard in their own way will help.

Point scoring will only lead to further resentment.

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