To think that my DM is being to overbearing?

(33 Posts)
Raspberryyogurt Fri 18-Jan-13 18:06:08

I have had to move back in with my DM and DF 7 weeks ago. I have found the my mum is very overbearing with my DS and thinks that she is mum sometimes, It is driving me insane and I new to know if its just me or she generally is being unreasonable.

Some of the things she does are...

1. She criticises me when I discipline DS, I use the 'Time out' technique and it works well for us my she is always telling me (While trying to teach DS) that 'He needs a smack, That will teach him' She keeps going on about how I should smack him as we were smacked as children and it 'Didn't do us any harm'. I would never smack my DS, end of.

2. She calls him 'My boy' and refers to him as this to whoever she is talking to.

3. She continuously tells people how she is sure that DS will call her and my DF 'Mum' and 'Dad' because they are a parental figure now.

4. I am pregnant with DC2 and I have a scan next week, Because it is booked on a day that she is busy and can't attend I have been told that I 'Never consider other people' I am 'Utterly selfish' and I have been told to 'Shut the fuck up' every time I talk to her about it. FYI she can come to the scan it had to be booked that day as that was the only day i was offered and i have an appointment the week after for results etc. she has now said that she doesn't want to because I tried to exclude her.

5. She criticises everything DS wears, If he is in his pyjamas too long or if an outfit doesn't match it's 'Mummy's fault'.

6. When I tell DS 'No' an he is upset he will run to her and she picks him up straight away and tells him 'Mummy's being mean'.

7. When I am playing with DS she is always find something that will interest him more and so he leaves me and plays with her, This happens every time.

8. She criticises my portion sizes for DS and what he eats when i feed him. (Always healthy food, Within the guidelines).

9. If he is playing with something pink she snatches it off of him and says 'Only girls play with pink things'.

10. She has to give him his bedtime bottle or she becomes moody as that is the only time DS will sit still and have a cuddle (He has never been a cuddly baby) Then hands him over to me to take him to bed.

11. She walks in my room when she hears that he is awake to say hello when I am getting ready to get up.

Every time I try to talk to her about these things she gets angry and creates an atmosphere for everyone else for the rest of the week.

I don't know what to do, AIBU? Or is this normal?

scott2609 Fri 18-Jan-13 19:52:01

If you're going to make a homeless application as some are recommending (which is the only way you'd potentially be 'bumped' up the list- however, legislation changed last year so that homeless applicants don't necessary automatically get council/ housing association accommodation if they're owed a duty- you'd more likely be put in cheap private rented acc) then your parents would need to be serious about throwing you out.

I'm a housing officer and my job is to make decisions on homeless applications. It can be a lengthy and quite stressful process- we will pry into every part of your life- if you're going to make a contrived application (ie: your parents aren't asking you to leave), you'll need to do a good job of lying and your parents sticking with the story. You will be made to sign a declaration in which you face prosecution and a fine of up to £5000 if you're proven to have made a contrived application, or have lied about anything to improve your chances of being owed a duty.

It's also not a guarantee that you'll end up getting help either- your main barrier would be that you could potentially be found intentionally homeless, in which case, the council would be legally obliged to inform social services and they would pick up your case. It really depends on why you lost your previous accommodation, and whether, essentially, if was through your own fault.

However, your situation sounds really challenging and I'm not surprised you're struggling here. Her behaviour is not reasonable at all.

alcibiades Fri 18-Jan-13 20:28:15

Has she often been difficult to deal with in the past, or is this overbearing, interfering behaviour something that's only been happening since you moved back with your parents? I'm wondering what your father thinks of all this, or maybe he's keeping out of it "for a quiet life".

Along with all the other sources of support already mentioned here, you could also try Women's Aid. Not all domestic abuse is spousal abuse, and not all domestic abuse is physical abuse. The Women's Aid phoneline is often very busy, so it might be difficult to get through, but they do understand the effect of emotional abuse (which in my book your mother is exhibiting) on vulnerable women and children.

Ignore me if I'm well I know I am being nosy raspberry but how old are you? Does your mother still think of you as a child yourself maybe?
My pfb has a friend who is 21 and has a baby of 14 months, and her mother is vile to her a lot of the time sad the poor lass can't do right for doing wrong, and every decision she makes about the baby is wrong in her mother's eyes, and one of her favourite remarks to put her down is "you're nowt but a bairn yourself, what do you know" and it's heartbreaking because she is a good mother and tries really hard to do her best.
Could your mother have slipped into thinking she knows better than you because of your age maybe? I know it's no excuse, I just wondered am a nosy cow and it can be harder to get taken seriously when you're young.

maddening Fri 18-Jan-13 20:45:01

Scott - could she try a different tac in that she and the children only have 1 room?

sukysue Fri 18-Jan-13 21:07:19

You need to be very careful here I can see her taking over completely when your second child is born oh dear I think you need to get out make yourself homeless get into a B&B if necessary but just get out now.

scott2609 Sun 20-Jan-13 08:23:37

Maddening- in order to be classed as homeless by virtue of living in overcrowded conditions, an environmental health officer would first of all need to visit the property and determine whether it is actually overcrowded. There are very clear guidelines, and it is rare that people who think they're overcrowded actually are in law.

I can't say that it's not, but the fact they're sharing a room means nothing really. There is an expectation that at least two adults could sleep in an average sized living room, and so the suggestion would probably be that the OP sleeps on the sofa and that her DC remains in the bedroom.

MrsMushroom Sun 20-Jan-13 08:49:30

Oh what a situation! Poor you. I have a MIL lik your Mum and know how it feels to be undermined.

I had to woman-up a bit and began removing DD from MIL and going into another room....its hard but could be a coping mechanism.

acceptableinthe80s Sun 20-Jan-13 09:06:26

What a horrible situation to be in raspberry. You need to get out of there asap. Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? child tax credit/Income support? I've been in your situation, fortunately my parents are lovely and lent me the money for a deposit on a private rental. Could you save your tax credits for a couple of months so you have the deposit for a private rental? I think that's going to be the quickest route out of there for you. Are the other grandparents around?, could they help you out?
Meanwhile you need to stand up to your mother, next time she comments on your parenting just very firmly tell her that you are your son's mother and you will parent him how you see fit. If you want to give ds his bottle just tell her to back the fuck off.
Good luck.

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