To feel upset at schoolgate comments?(108 Posts)
I am feeling rather devastated by a comment made about my son by a grandparent at the schoolgate this week. I had just picked him up (he is in Reception), and as I called my son by his name, the grandfather, who was stood right next to me turned to his grandson and said rather loudly "Oh, (my son'a name), isn't he the naughty one?". He then looked directly at me. My face showed my shock, but I didn't respond I just smiled at him and walked away feeling utterly crushed.
Now I can't say my son is an angel. He has found it difficult to adapt to a more structured environment. He is bright and gets bored easily and can have a tendancy to get distracted and distract others. He is not aggressive and has never hurt another child in school ( though had a tooth knocked out in Dec when another child headbutted him in the face!), but I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area. These are the first issues I have been made aware of but obviously they may have made me a little sensitive over his behaviour.
I am really shocked that someone could be so unkind. I could have cried. I am now so concerned that my son has been labelled and that the parents could be telling their children that my son is naughty.
Do I need to get thicker skinned about this sort of thing or am I right to be upset and concerned?
"I have been asked for a word twice this term as he has ignored his teacher and then because he emptied the sand tray with a friend all over the outdoor play area."
Is this for real? Surely there is more than this? This is NOTHING.
I meant the schools dont cope but escape the glare of the playground... jeez
Have to say and much greyer, older and wiser.... and know that there are hundreds of parents and kids out there in schools that do not cope well but who escape the glare of parents in playground.
If you're child is angel but sits in a class with a child with challenging behaviour then they are affected... if you don't like it then schools have head teachers, governing bodies and sometimes parent forums.... use them and leave us knackered parents alone.
dayshiftdoris. Encouraging to hear that you have found an understanding school. I have worked in two schools (as a TA) and there are massive differences in how they deal with behaviour.
Some kids are naughty. Your child is one of them. It's not that big a deal. Hopefully school will manage to provide him with structure and discipline and it won't be an issue anymore.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things monstermissy, certainly this thread shows we are not alone.
This too shall pass (soon please????)
IME at school gate, the ones labelled by the kids as the naughty ones have without fail been genuinely poorly behaved and in a couple of cases behaviour has led to dx, haven't yet seen it spontaneously revert into good behaviour without intervention by parents.
I live and breathe this crap - child with challenging behaviour that was ignored by the first school (I went into the head after he bit 4 children in a week and she couldnt see my issue), a second school that did a bit of poor management & a bit of ignoring and then when I pressed the issue (which included writing to the Governors to ask for tighter behaviour management - a letter that was never answered) they told me they were failing him and I should move him
I sat in meeting with professionals acknowledging what I did at home and school shrugging and moaning that they had no money.
Now in a school that understands ASD... challenging behaviour is still there but school and I use the same technique, he is risk assessed and their is ongoing assessment and review of strategies. A particularly bad week recently prompted them to honestly review the situation and tweak... me too.
I am bloody lucky but been on a long journey to get here... it not that simple that if parents intervene then they are somehow cured at school... I am not even at school and I have NO control over the decisions they make - good or bad.
My approach to parents at the 2nd school was to be completely upfront and tell them I shared their concerns. This school - I am trying to be invisible so that parents don't where to come... I am sick of justifying myself to people who have NO IDEA what it is like to have vicious, nasty comments aimed at their children usually from other adults... At the age of four I overheard him being called a 'fucking little shit' by his nursery keyworker.
No child deserves that... ever.
Feel for you OP. i took DC once to a birthday party and the entertainer, when she heard her name, said, into her mic -'0h, xxx, ive heard about you'. what????? and then a child fell over at some point, my DC was at the other end of the room and this twat again said, into her mic-'oh did xxx push you over?' I was too shocked to say anything. i didnt even KNOW the woman, obv my DCs name had been floating around. Autism. thats what I should say her name is!!!!
some people are just insensitive and quick to label. its hard to wear a thick skin when infamy sets in.
My five year old hit year one and I spend most days having a word with the teacher, in fact I'm always last in the line to discourage everyone listening. Although if its anything interesting ill hear about it from the kids coming out first. It's never nasty or agressive/violent or really involving others. Low level disruption like appearing at the class door five minutes after everyone else has sat down after playtime. As he's been elsewhere when the whistle has gone ... (Thank god they lock the gate nowadays) . Everyday he comes home flithy, he likes to roll in the mud, not listening, being silly with his friends etc etc I have regular meetings with head about it and the class teacher. We are working together and trying various approaches till something works. He just does not seem to bother about being in trouble, missing playtimes or even having to go to the heads office. Nothing phases him. At home he's lovely mostly like any other five year old.
I make a point of chatting to all the mums in the class, I'm open about what he's up to (their kids are ttelling them anyway) I smile and am polite, I engage with their children and so far I think its going ok, I don't feel like I'm being looked down the nose but he is infamous as the class clown/silly boy. If anything happens in class his name is offered up even when his teacher knows it wasn't him. So he will have to work at shaking that off. Your not alone I promise.
Perhaps the grandad didn't know you were the mum in question and looked at you as felt you looking at him when you heard your sons name?? Maybe...
Unfortunately, the truth hurts. I cannot wait to be old so I can say exactly what I want. Oh, hold on, I already do
I think attitudes were very different now to when this granddad was a boy.
Sorry you're going through this OP, and if you're worried your son is being labelled, have a word with the teacher, and head teacher, as its surely in everyone's best interests if labels such as naughty, are kept well out of the classrooms and yard.
Maybe the school needs to run an anti bullying programme?
Chin up, er, hon.
I think attitudes were very different to when this granddad was a boy.
Then it was quite acceptable to talk about people in labelling terms, even over the subject's head! Some people still do it to people who happen to be disabled.
It takes a few years for some kids to realise that they are limited in their movements in school - having to sit still is quite difficult for 4 and 5 year olds, let alone adults! I'm sure your bright little boy will get the hang of seeing what's required of him, (sitting still, keeping quiet) and complying (always a bit sad to have to learn this IMHO)
There will be comments in the future from interfering people, that I can guarantee, as it happens to everyone - best to develop a thicker skin and let them all wash off. Nod and smile hon.
Sorry didnt mean for the thread derail Op. I've taken it elsewhere.
Is a 'hon' better or worse than a 'hun'?
I think you'll find it is a Mumsnet Rule [refers to Mumsnet Rule Book, chapter 4, paragraph 7, sub-section 4.1]
"Each use of abbreviated endearments e.g. 'hon' will be viewed as a direct negative reflection of the user's IQ, and will result in copious amounts of huffing and pointing"
I rest my case [slams Mumsnet Rule Book shut]
Oh get over yourselves. It's not a frigging rule...just a bolloxy "thing" that some Mnrs decided to pick on others about. I've been here under various names for three years and over that time I've seen it again and again....its a word that's all.
In fact I prefer it to the shite jokes like "Gavel" and "Ltb". They're old hat. As is the biscuit thing.
I don't say "hon" but if I wanted to I would.
You have a bright, challenging child....be happy that he is yours and you aren't struggling with anything like illness. Let the comments be like water off a ducks back.
I don't judge the kids in my 4 year old's class because I know that they're all very small and have their own little journey's to embark on and their own quirks. Many parents are like me. Some are like that old man...bugger him and his negativity.
Fuck me! Did I just see a "hon" on MN?
Oh hon. It is upsetting. Just pick yourself up. I'm afraid you made the fateful mistake in your op by describing your child child as bright and bored. That will being out all the mums on here who have bright children who are never naughty because they are parenting them so perfectly. He's only wee and it will all settle down. Horrid inappropriate comment from someone who should know better.
1979nelson Ignore the man! I know from experience at the school gates that plenty of children were labelled naughty etc; and they used to play with my ds and turn up at my house! The children are the ones saying he/she is naughty, but it is the parents who segregate the children and say who they can play with etc. From my experience some of the parents do speak to the teachers about other pupils behaviours and they can get labelled. I'd speak to the teacher before they did. Your son is very young and IMO boys are labelled naughty when they are not, it's part of boys behaviour.
Don't worry about it!
I agree with Fell Children are very fond of labelling each other - there's always the naughty one, the sporty one, the clever one, the funny one...I find children are quite astute about these observations, generally.
Telling yourself (or other people) that your DS is only like this because 'he is bright but bored' isn't going to win you any favours or make you any friends, I'm afraid.
It's perfectly possible for clever children who are a bit bored to not resort to turning over sand-tables, or distracting their friends in the classroom.
Goodness Chickenshavenoeyebrows, I am shocked at what was said to you about your child. That was really nasty.
Thanks to all of you sharing your own experiences. Summerblaze, it is really hurtful when you experience it. I am sorry you have experienced it too.
It seems such an unkind thing to do. I wouldn't dream of doing the same to someone else. In fact, when my son pointed out the boy who headbutted him and knocked out my son's tooth, within earshot of the boy and his mum, I shushed him and told him it had been dealt with and smiled at the Mum.I was upset at what happenes but trusted the school to deal with it and imagined the Mum would have been upset too.
It is good to hear about the 'naughty ones' who grow up to be such delights too. Good luck to all of you going through similar and thanks for sharing xx
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