To not want my Mum there

(60 Posts)
CuppaSarah Thu 17-Jan-13 08:55:47

First time posting an AIBU so please bare with me!

Basically I really don't want my Mum anywhere near me during labour. To give a little context, she has some mental health issues and really can't handle things being about others. This was made VERY apparent last year at my sisters wedding, when she made the groom drive out to Mcdonalds while waiting for my sister to arrive to buy her food becuase she 'came over so faint and dizzy and nearly fainted'

Another example is when I first took DP home to meet her, she managed to actually faint that time(cue a long trip to A+E). I know it's not her fault that she struggles when the spotlights firmly away from her, she finds big things hard to cope with and it's just how she manages them. But I really don't want to deal what ever 'coping strategy' she comes up with for my labour.

My midwifes advised I just don't tell her till babies here, but I know how much it will hurt her, especially as I'll have to tell the in laws when I'm in labour as they live 4 hours away. I don't want to upset her, but I would like to focus on myself throughout labour and not have to worry about how she's going to cope with it. AIBU to just not tell her till babies here?

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 17-Jan-13 22:31:06

Good lord how do you put up with her? She sounds awful. Put yourself AND your baby first.

Dinkyblu Thu 17-Jan-13 22:38:30

Yanbu.....

Do what you feel is right and what is best for you, dh and baby.

I have similar experience in that even before I was settled down with dh my DM would always tell me she was going to be at the birth of my child....then when I actually got pregnant. I was worried and and only wanted me and dh for various reasons. My DM also likes to be the centre of everything and I just wanted it to be me,dh and baby bonding before anyone else came along...

As it happens Mother Nature meant I needed a planned c section so it took the problem away as i could only have dh there. But before I knew I needed the c section I was in your situation not wanting DM there but knowing she'd be deeply offended, hurt..ect...

As it happened it was just me and dh and even though it was a c section I liked that it was just me and dh who set eyes on our dc first. But then my DM and all other gp's came up to hosp straight away and it was abit overwhelming. Then to make things worse my DM invited all her sisters (4 of them) plus step dad and cousins even up to the hosp for visiting....there must have been 10 people around the bed while I was recovering from a c section and trying to bf....it was so awful...I couldn't believe the mw's didn't kick them out...I wanted them to!!

Anyway sorry for the Long story....Just wanted to say do what u feel is right for your little family. Your going to give birth...it's all about you, your dp and baby no one else. It's emotional enough as it is so you need to be relaxed and do what you feel is right.

Good luck and enjoy meeting your new baby :-)

Ozfrazror Thu 17-Jan-13 22:39:39

Put the blame somewhere else - I.e. tell her that your hospital only allows one birthing partner during labour so you'll let her know once you've had the baby and tell her when the first available visiting times are.
Good luck smile

Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 22:51:03

I have birth 4 weeks ago, also my first!
I had decided not to tell anyone when things got going. I started I. Labour in the early hours then had a consultant appt that aft which I managed to go along to. He sent me straight to my birth hospital as my BP wa through the roof. I stick to my guns and didn't tell anyone - would only have worried them and regardless of BP I actually felt fine. (Aside from contractions). Had dc the following evening and loved ringing the GP's to inform them of their GP 'status'. Noone was cross I'd not said anything-they were too busy being pleased at baby's safe arrival!
All GP's came to visit the following days visiting hours (we ended up being kept in for a week as Bubs got a but poorly and needed anti biotics), otherwise if have been at home fr them to visit at a co venue t time.

Do whatever you feel you need to make your labour as easy and hassle free as possible.
I hve such fond memories of mine now (pain aside) and making the cl to GP's afterwards has adde to those memories.

Hope it all goes well for you and you are looked after as well as I was. Good luck, it's amazing!x

Yfronts Fri 18-Jan-13 00:34:17

Don't tell anyone till after? Including inlaws?

Pyrrah Fri 18-Jan-13 00:44:28

Fortunately all the GPs live too far away and respected boundaries enough not to come charging down as soon as I was in labour with DD.

Which was a good thing as I was in labour for the best part of 3 days, finally had a hideous forceps delivery and having being resuscitated, spent the next 2 days in HDU having blood transfusions and no-one except DH was allowed in.

The first visitor we did have was my mother when DD was already 4 days old.

You just never know what may happen and the last thing you want to worry about is someone expecting you to perform to a schedule.

diddl Fri 18-Jan-13 08:10:06

Your mum is an adult.

If she can´t cope with things that you do/say then she needs to get help to do so.

Why tell anyone before baby is here??

IIWY I would also get the midwives on your side and say that you love your mum but she can get a 'bit overexcited' and would they be willing to help you if things get a bit dramatic or she overstays. That you are worried about dealing with the drama while recovering from the birth.

noblegiraffe Fri 18-Jan-13 08:35:42

If you tell people you are going into labour, then when it goes on for hours, maybe days, you feel obliged to give constant updates to stop them worrying about what's going on. You don't want your first few hours with the baby to be spent texting.

Anyway, what's the rush? The baby will still be a baby for days and weeks to come, and there will be plenty of time for visits. No need to rush to be there the minute it's born. My parents live 5 hours away and I'm booked in for an ELCS, so they could easily plan to be here for the birth day. However, hospital visiting times are restricted and visiting in hospital is a bit rubbish anyway so they are not planning to come down until a couple of days after the birth when I'm out of hospital so not only can they spend some relaxed time with us, but also help out with cooking etc. For my first, I gave birth at midnight, they came down the next afternoon. No mad panicked dash!

CecilyP Fri 18-Jan-13 10:49:33

YANBU. There is no need for her to be anywhere near you in labour. Even if she was absolutely perfect in every way, she still does not need to know until baby has safely arrived.

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