to not want to tell people the sex of my baby?

(208 Posts)
CheerfulYank Wed 16-Jan-13 22:46:13

I'm due in May. DH and I know the sex but would like to keep it to ourselves. (I want to have the big "it's a boy/it's a girl" moment in the hospital. blush)

My mother keeps asking me about it, sending me emails of things that are stereotypical "boy" or "girl" things and asking if she should buy them.

She has a friend who does exquisite linens for nurseries and has offered to make some for me. My mom said on the phone "I haven't even messaged her about anything recently because she'll want to know about the bedding and I don't know what color to tell her!" I said "can't you tell her in May? The baby will sleep in with us for awhile anyway so I'm not concerned about the nursery." Apparently not, though. hmm

My brother, whom I have a difficult relationship with anyway, hates secrets or surprises of any kind. He sent me a few Facebook message saying "I don't get it" and "is this some "thing" people do now?" This is his way...he tries to make me feel stupid until I agree with him or do what he wants.

Even my best friends are talking about how they'll "get it out of me" and the general consensus seems to be that I'm being selfish. sad

AIBU not to tell? I just want to keep it between us and the few random mumsnetters I've told for awhile. Plus our pfb has been an only for almost six years and we are trying to include him as much as possible, so we were thinking he could make the announcement.

CheerfulYank Thu 17-Jan-13 09:10:23

Don't think the baby will really have any sort of nursery at all at first...I assume it'll just sleep in with us for awhile, DS did.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:12:21

Congratulations!!

Hopefully you do a better job of keeping the secret than my best friend and her husband. Well, you already are!

We met them for lunch after they went for their 20-week scan. They found out, but were keeping it to themselves. After we'd eaten, they went through a few bits of clothing they'd bought. One of the items was a pair of tights.

'Oh', said my DH - 'you're having a girl!' Cue red faces. 'Um no', said friend's DH. 'Boys wear tights'.* 'Yeah, if they're Rudolph Nureyev', replied my DH. Hysterical laughter ensued, and they admitted they were having a girl. Their secret-keeping lasted all of half an afternoon. grin

*Of course boys can and should tights if they're so inclined; DH was just trying to wheedle the truth out of v good friends...

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:15:28

But it's the present givers who want to know what colour to buy, Larry hmm

Intentionally or not, you came across as a nasty, sneery, reverse snob.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 09:20:28

It sounded pretty intentional to me toby sad

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 09:22:10

Well, I might have been giving larry a tiny bit of the benefit of the doubt grin

5madthings Thu 17-Jan-13 09:27:31

Any present buyers can just buy gender neutral stuff ffs.

cheerful i get where you are coming from as would most if they read the thread properly

Getting ds to announce would be sweet if you think you need to get your mum iff your back. If you dont want to tell stay strong or send your mum an article about the family i mentioned!

And as for the idea that she isnt telling as she is disappointed in the gender..seriously enough.

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:29:01

I am loving the idea of boxes of balloons and coloured cupcakes. grin And the idea that these somehow trump a traditional 'gender reveal', previously known as 'giving birth'... grin

MidnightMasquerader Thu 17-Jan-13 09:30:50

Oh, and YANBU. wink

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 17-Jan-13 09:45:35

I don't really understand finding out the sex and not wanting anyone else to know until the birth

BUT

I would completely respect the wishes of anyone who wanted to do it. People do lots of things I don't understand - I'm enough of a grown up to not badger them to do it my way. YANBU and I hope your family realise they should respect your decision and not be bullying fuckwits over it

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 17-Jan-13 09:46:10

Oh, and congratulations!

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 10:01:18

Never been accused of being a reverse snob before, more the reverse if anything. I must be doing something right!

My point is not that people don't have a right to nice things. God knows, I would be a hell of a hypocrite if I said that. What is wrong is to turn something lovely and that one is lucky to have into an agonising dilemma. If someone wants to buy something expensive and beautiful and effectively only wants to know what sex their grandchild is going to be in return, just tell them. There is no reason to make a song and dance about it. It is such a non issue. My mother's comment to learning our second was a boy was "oh dear, can we not produce any girls at all in this family". I wasn't happy but I got over it and so did she (eventually). Playing silly games and trying to create a false value out of a piece of "secret" knowledge is never a good strategy for improving or maintaining relationships.

valiumredhead Thu 17-Jan-13 10:03:56

You sound very similar to your mother larry

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 10:04:48

You have an interesting way of making your point by using entirely different words and phrases to the ones apparently meant.

I'm going back to sleep.

larrygrylls Thu 17-Jan-13 10:10:21

Valium,

I will take that as a compliment. She has her faults but, deep down (really quite deep), she is a very decent person and has retained a sense of perspective, humour and interest into her 70s, something that certain posters here have entirely lost despite being of far less advanced years.

Toby,

You are probably right, I maybe should have phrased my first post a little differently.

Thumbwitch Thu 17-Jan-13 10:44:56

But it isn't a non-issue to Cheerful - she's explained what an almighty PITA her mum was last time around, I can see her point.

Although I do agree you made it harder on yourself, Cheerful, by letting on that you knew! Never mind. Just tell everyone you're having an alien octopus instead grin

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 11:42:16

CY, you little poppet, definitely don't tell. This is your baby and you have had a rough old ride so far, so enjoy having the secret and hold onto it. Soon enough the baby will be born and everyone will know sex/weight/name etc. This part of your pregnancy is magical - and should be treated with respect.

I found out with all of mine and kept it a secret. I never gave a shiny shite if other people were bothered by my decision. They can have an opinion on the people they are about to push out of their vaginas. My baby = my information.

Re: your Mum. Lordy. Even more reason to hold baby tight to you right now. Don't unleash your Mum onto this tiny baby any sooner than you absolutely have to. For you own sanity - keep the secret, treasure it and enjoy the next 4 months God I am so broody

YANBU at all, not even a tiny bit.

And, apart from all that ^ , I know the sex and that's really all that matters grin <JOKE>

I think the idea of letting your son tell people now is a reasonable compromise, that might sidestep all the nagging from people. But the bottom line is that it is up to you what you decide to do, and other people should respect that.

Fwiw, we never found out the sex before the 'traditional gender reveal - ie giving birth' (loving that, MidnightMasquerade), and no-one nagged us to find out and then tell them, and anyone who wanted to buy something for the baby, bought something gender-neutral.

DeWe Thu 17-Jan-13 11:53:40

We found out with dd2 for a very specific reason and didn't tell people that we knew. We didn't plan to find out, and hadn't with dd1. With ds we knew because he was waving his tackle so vigorously it was clear grin. We told people we hadn't asked in that case, which was perfectly true.

I was surprised the number of people who asked if we knew, when we said we didn't, turned to dd1 (age 3) and tried to see if she knew.
It would have been pretty stupid to tell a 3yo and not expect them to tell everyone.

TobyLerone Thu 17-Jan-13 12:05:00

God, people are weird.

Pinot Thu 17-Jan-13 12:06:30

Weirder than us, Tjobes. Whodathunkit?

tiggytape Thu 17-Jan-13 12:09:45

Probably your only mistake was telling everybody that you knew the sex but were choosing not to tell them. That is bound to invite nagging (whereas if they didn't know that you knew, they'd not bother keep asking).

I would respect whatever anyone chose to do and definitely wouldn't nag them but I would secretly think it was a bit odd to find out the sex and then tell everybody you'd found out the sex but that you were intentionally not telling them. I'd wonder why you didn't just say you didn't know if you wanted to surprise them. I guess DM sees it as you winding her up on purpose because you know and she doesn't

Nobody weirder than you two, Tjobes and Pinot!

Peevish Thu 17-Jan-13 12:33:01

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time from some people - though I admit to rolling my eyes slightly at the idea of the Big Reveal in the hospital. I mean, come on, babies come in either male or female, so nothing is all that surprising. Now, if you were sitting on the fact that you were expecting triplet girls or something...

We found out the sex and didn't tell anyone, and we're not remotely precious - I can't see any reason why anyone other than us would gie a shiny shite whether it's a girl or a boy. As well as agreeing with what dizzy said up the thread about the depressingness of the blue and pink gender stereotyping even before the baby is born, my partner's family have a lot of boys and very few girls (all of the girls born after several boys because they were 'trying for a girl'). We knew we were having a boy (which we were delighted about), and to be honest, didn't want a million 'Oh well, better luck next time'/ 'Oh, little boys are monsters' comments from the SiLs and MiL.

So YANBU, OP. Raise your eyebrows and ask politely why people want to know. Congrats, btw!

NaturalBaby Thu 17-Jan-13 12:37:57

I'm just itching to see this amazing baby bedding! An etsy shop you say cheerfulyank?

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