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Help - found bank letter re challenging over 1k spend in gentlemans club

(277 Posts)
Letstryagain Wed 16-Jan-13 20:43:04

Looked in h pocket when moving jackets and found a bank letter re his challenge over 1k spend in 'gentlemans' club - looked at dates and it was a weekend I was away, he was out but never mentioned going there. I have no issues with these places but wonder why he didn't say he was there & also how could anyone spend over 1,000 at a place like that? What do I do - say I saw it? Am raging? He had told me he was disputing a spend in debenhams!! Help!!!

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 14:01:18

Maybe just take allgoingtoshitnow's advice and apologize for snooping. I think you might be missing the bigger picture.

If you are afraid of his anger that you were snooping, just apologise. Obviously.

Letstryagain Thu 17-Jan-13 14:03:36

Greythorne - what bigger picture am I missing?

allgoingtoshitnow Thu 17-Jan-13 14:03:41

What part are you struggling with grey?

The bit where OP said her husband was intimidated into paying a bill he didn't run up, or the bit where she says she doesn't care that he visited the club?

Hes not a cheating DH being exploited by dancers after all. Just a DH going to a club with his mate (with OPs permission) and getting robbed.

HighBrows Thu 17-Jan-13 14:05:51

Letstrysgain, there's a whole other bigger picture you're missing such as you dh paying to objectify women.

I could not be with a man like that, he's spent 1k in a lap dancing club and yet will be pissed off at you for checking his pockets.

[hmmm]

Miggsie Thu 17-Jan-13 14:07:59

My friend's daughter was a waitress in one of these clubs - they are given courses on how to fleece the customers with the most expensive drinks - she got one bloke to pay £1000 for a bottle.

They act on the assumption that most men are too arrogant to admit they didn't want to pay that much (or can't really afford it) and don't want to admit they were diddled, so pay up. and they do.

bellamafia Thu 17-Jan-13 14:10:21

Oh ffs! No it's NOT an effing issue of snooping! So bloody what of you did have a look in his jacket pockets. It's human bloody nature as I'm SURE he would do the same given the chance.

It's his lie about what he was claiming for ie, a Debenhams query. He should have just come out with the truth and even knowing that you are ok with these type of clubs ( you must be a strong woman), why did he feel the need to lie? Cos he didn't want you to know he went to one? No! Cos he spent a fortune on booze? No! Cos he spent a lot of money having private dances (and we all know what goes on in those!!). Yes!

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'd start to think about telling him he is grounded from those places until you can fully forgive him.

Utter fukin child and a twat.

bellamafia Thu 17-Jan-13 14:10:42

Oh ffs! No it's NOT an effing issue of snooping! So bloody what of you did have a look in his jacket pockets. It's human bloody nature as I'm SURE he would do the same given the chance.

It's his lie about what he was claiming for ie, a Debenhams query. He should have just come out with the truth and even knowing that you are ok with these type of clubs ( you must be a strong woman), why did he feel the need to lie? Cos he didn't want you to know he went to one? No! Cos he spent a fortune on booze? No! Cos he spent a lot of money having private dances (and we all know what goes on in those!!). Yes!

I'm sorry to be so blunt but I'd start to think about telling him he is grounded from those places until you can fully forgive him.

Utter fukin child and a twat.

allgoingtoshitnow Thu 17-Jan-13 14:15:57

Of course its snooping. And anyone who pulls that kind of stunt is a snooper. Its as bad as reading someones mail or checking their facebook without permission.

However, I'd snoop if I suspected cheating. Did you suspect that OP?

In this case though OP - hes done no wrong so grounding him like a child is controlling and childish.

HighBrows Thu 17-Jan-13 14:19:04

It's not snooping going through pockets before laundry.

And even if it is snooping his crimes are way worse. He went to a club to objectify women. He has lied and he has spent 1k. He sounds like a real keeper, not.

Nancy66 Thu 17-Jan-13 14:19:20

OP if you're so cool about him going to strip club/ hostess bars then why would he wait until you're away to do it? And then not tell you?

That's what I'm trying to understand Nancy. If the ops so cool about it, why did he cover it up?
And thanks for the description, I have cancelled my forthcoming planned night out to a lap dancing place and will now stay in with a fiver bottle of cava grin

sweetestB Thu 17-Jan-13 14:40:36

I suppose the letter was folded so OP didn't need to open it and read it didn't she..?

Nancy66 Thu 17-Jan-13 14:42:49

SPG - you'll save a fortune and you won't have a stranger's flaps in yer face either.

Yes exactly. Why would I want a complete stranger to sit at my table anyway? You only have to read the m&s cafe threads to know that's a big no no.

AgathaF Thu 17-Jan-13 15:06:03

What are the m&s cafe threads SPB? I think I might be missing out on something hmm

KatyTheCleaningLady Thu 17-Jan-13 15:07:13

It sounds like one of those places that will take a customer's card and then the girls will sit with the men and give them lap dances and conversation while sweet-talking him into buying bottles of "champagne." Some places require the client to buy drinks to keep the girls at the tables.

It sounds to me that he had a couple of girls settle in with him and sweet talk him, maybe tickle him under the table, and he had to keep buying rounds to keep the honey flowing.

Then he got the bill and felt ripped off.

You can't run up a huge bill like that just sitting there and watching girls twirl around a pole. This involved them getting close and personal and cajoling drinks or lap dances. I would expect the lap dances to be paid in cash to the girl, personally. This sounds like a bar tab.

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 17-Jan-13 15:13:25

Jesus woman where is your back bone?
You dont mind that your husband had his face less than an inch from another woman's unclothed buttocks and vulva?
Because its not sexual?
So if you undressed and rubbed your self all over a stranger that wouldn't be sexual would it?
Stand up for yourself.#
2 grand?

Greythorne Thu 17-Jan-13 16:09:07

Well, OP, the bigger picture is that:

1. your DH goes behind your back to strip joints when you are out of town
2. your DH does not then come clean and tell you the truth, but lies to you and says he has not been to a strip club
3. your DH spends almost 2 grand in a strip joint, probably having women put their near naked sex organs next to his face, having women rub their near naked sex organs against his clothes at a minimum
4. your DH is either so naive or arrogant, he decides to dispute the bill after the event
5. you discover all of this and your 'crime' of snooping is what might get hisback up

The bigger picture is that he is a lying, deceiving exploiter of vulnerable women and I am baffled by the idea that your take out of this scenario is that he might be pissed off at you for snooping.

Hope you are ok, op.

If you are upset, and somehow, it is difficult to tell if you are, you could tell him to leave the house for a few days. That wouldn't be a bad idea, surely.

If my DH spunked £2000 in such a fashion, I would be looking at a separation.

PeppermintPasty Thu 17-Jan-13 16:49:10

Greythorne has said it all really. And I am baffled as to how some posters are saying he hasn't done anything wrong.

HazeltheMcWitch Thu 17-Jan-13 16:59:44

Very much agree with Nancy and Katy re the drinks thing.

Another version is (knowing 'champagne' is expensive), I'll just have a vodka, thanks. Chap gets told that they only do bottles, not measures, but reckons that's ok, a bottle is what - £20 max in supermarket. So checks, and it's def Smirnoff Red, nothing fancy. Except it's £800 a bottle...

I don't think it was just drinks - It sounds like this guy has been to strip clubs before and you'd have to be a real novice/numpty to be stung in that way.

Chandon Thu 17-Jan-13 17:06:07

Haha, I love it that these kind of guys, who want it both ways ( wifey at home, who is totally cool with strippers and hookers, and other women are for oggling, and f"cking....if it can be arranged) get fleeced by the same women they think they are exploiting. The exploiters exploited, kinda funny. No sympathy there.

Also, you both must be very rich to be able to afford this kind of cash ( even if he disputes the £1000, he probably spent a couple of hundred). I hope you spend the family money as freely on yourself as he does, but somehow I get the feeling the distribution of power is not that even in your relationship.

WilsonFrickett Thu 17-Jan-13 17:11:40

He's probably cross because they forgot to take his Nectar points off the final bill.

He's colluding in the sexual exploitation of women. But you don't seem to be too fussed about that....

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 17-Jan-13 17:13:07

Many years ago in my misspent youth I worked in a topless bar.
We used to have to ask for drinks, either champagne or cocktails, except the cocktails were green water and the champagne was cheap cava.
A bottle of champagne was about 75 quid and there was many a time some poor punter ended up spending thousands of guilders (this was Amsterdam) on their credit card so they could be surrounded by half a dozen half nekkid women.

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