to not want DD's to meet up with their step siblings?

(42 Posts)
alisunshine29 Wed 16-Jan-13 13:40:52

DD1 (DP's stepdaughter) is 5, DD2 is 7 months. DP has a 5 and 6 year old from previous marriage. When we first met DP had regular contact with his kids for the first year, DD1 really liked them (though they were sometimes mean to her) and all was going well, considering. Contact dwindled/was cancelled last minute and irregular for a year before stopping altogether about 14 months ago. DD1 was very upset and missed them terribly - she has just about stopped asking about them now. DD2 has obviously never met them. DP has been 'planning' to take his ex to court for contact since she stopped it but hasn't done anything about it yet, despite my support and encouragement. However, he includes them in calculations for things - i.e. when considering how many bedrooms we need/how many seats in car etc. When our car broke we got a 7 seater on his basis that we'd need it when we have his kids. However, if he does pull his finger out and sort contact out via court, I would not want our DD's to meet up with his kids til contact was established, regular and his relationship with the kids was rebuilt. IMO it isn't fair on any of the kids to keep getting attached then losing each other. AIBU?

Booyhoo Wed 16-Jan-13 14:54:58

op does have 2 children BIWI

WorraLiberty Wed 16-Jan-13 14:58:20

It sounds as though your DP doesn't really give a shit

So I wouldn't worry about how it's going to affect your kids

Floralnomad Wed 16-Jan-13 15:06:09

Why can't he agree to the every other weekend thing ,even if he's working shifts could you not look after them and then he can see them when he gets home . TBH it's your youngest daughters half sister and you should be making more of an effort as well . I assume your husband does contribute towards the upkeep of these poor children.?

NatashaBee Wed 16-Jan-13 15:16:21

I agree with Floralnomad. Sounds like you both need to pull your finger out. Your partner sounds like a pillock - why on earth would he not push for access? What a shame for all the kids involved - they are all missing out.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 16-Jan-13 16:41:56

Your DP sounds awful.

I genuinely can't understand why you would allow him into your children's lives when he has proved himself to be so spectacularly shit as a Father.

MammaTJ Wed 16-Jan-13 16:52:45

Plenty of time to have found another job, one more suitable for access imo!!

Or at least look! And Fight for his 'D'C!

I could not contemplate being with someone who would so easily abandon their children. How little would it take for him to abandon yours too?

flossy101 Wed 16-Jan-13 17:24:04

I honestly don't think I could be with a man that wasn't trying harder to see his kids. It's been over a year? Is he looking for different work so he can see them on the contact proposed by his ex?

MolehillAlchemy Wed 16-Jan-13 17:59:39

I think OP that you should be instrumental in encouraging more contact between your DCs and their half/step siblings, not finding more obstacles to put in the way of that happening.

Disrupted contact doesn't have to cause your DCs unnecessary upset, just explain that the other children are part of your family, you and your DP love them, but unfortunately you don't get to see them as much as you'd like. They'll understand that, and be happy when they do get to see them.

I speak as a child who was kept at arms-length from my absent parent and their new step-children, and it still upsets me decades later.

Another poster referred to your other thread, and I do think it is relevant to this thread too. On the other thread you posted -
"He has made a start to the divorce as it's his new years resolution to become divorced but doubt it'll be finalised this year as he doesn't know where his wife is etc and she's likely to make it difficult."
So even though you've been together four years, he hasn't got around to getting divorced. In the past fourteen months, he hasn't got around to doing ANYTHING to regain access to his eldest two children. He hasn't got around to proposing to you either.

<adopts Rolf Harris voice>
Can you tell what the problem is yet?

" Ex said he wasn't committed to contact by only seeing them every 6 weeks"
His wife has a point. He is truly shit to his children.

alisunshine29 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:06:39

Yes he does pay for them. I can't have them as I can't collect or return them and their mum isn't willing to bring them here. He has a career as opposed to a job, so not so easy to change. Plus if he did quit his career and get a different job his ex said she'd make contact impossible because of maintenance reduction.

alisunshine29 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:11:52

Molehill - your theory is nice but wasn't working before and wouldn't work now. DD1 would get excited to see the kids then they wouldn't be there to collect or they'd come but be nasty to her because their mum told them it's DDs fault their dad doesn't see them more.

MolehillAlchemy Wed 16-Jan-13 23:39:36

But fast-forward 20 years. You're having a conversation with your DCs who want to know the real reasons why they don't know their step/half siblings. How will you explain you stopped contact because sometimes they were nasty? Full siblings can be nasty! It's all a natural part of growing up. Can't imagine my mother keeping me away from my siblings for being nasty (Chinese burns were all the rage in my childhood!).

So your DD1 is excited to see them and they don't turn up, so give her a reasonable explanation without mentioning any behind-the-scenes machinations of the the Ex because she doesn't need to know that.

Making a decision to stop contact seems cruel and unnecessary, and ultimately more unfair on the DCs.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Wed 16-Jan-13 23:46:51

This is a complete non problem as the chances of him bothering to re-establish contact are titchy so non of you will be seeing them.

Bobyan Thu 17-Jan-13 07:54:48

You and your DH sound like a match made in heaven.

ihearsounds Thu 17-Jan-13 08:12:10

What are you going to do when your own children are nasty to each other, selnd one away to live elsewhere?

Sounds like a charmer. He says he wants to see them but is doing nothing. Shift work is a crap excuse, and if he actually wanted to see them he would. Having days off mid week is no excuse. But all we are hearing is lame excuses, even saying mum will reduce contact if money is reduced.. erm none issue, because he isnt seeing them anyway. How can she reduce something which is nothing she cannot.

Anyway, good luck your going to need it. In several years time you aree gping to have all these children asking why.

DontmindifIdo Thu 17-Jan-13 08:41:17

so, he's not got round to arranging a divorce, he's not got round to trying to get contact with his DDs, are you sure if he's put in a flexible working request? He might have a profession, not just a job, but very few aren't open to some family requests (I know police offices, hospital consultants, ambulance drivers, fire fighters and pilots all of whom were just shifts that changed reguarly, once applied for, were able to get certain requests in place, if he wasn't saying he'd never work weekends just he needed every other weekend off, and beyond that was completely flexible on his shift pattern, then it should be achievable in most cases.)

He doesn't sound like he's the best at actually doing stuff, more he expects life to happen to him, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's not actually asked if this is an option. Get him to put a request in, if it gets declined at least he's tried. But he doens't sound like he's particularly bothered about his DCs. sad

3littlefrogs Thu 17-Jan-13 08:47:28

I drive 50 miles a day to get to and from work. Just saying....

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