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to think it's unfair that DH moans about me not doing enough tidying...

(96 Posts)
Haughtyculture Tue 15-Jan-13 13:43:51

...when he makes all the mess?

I have PND and DH is always having a go at me for not tidying and doing enough housework and has threatened to leave me. I do do housework but I struggle at the moment.

Today DH has left 3 pairs of shoes laying around. A dog lead on the hall floor. Clothes all over the bedroom. a filthy cooker top where he got beans all over it last night. A filthy grill pan. A glass on the living room floor. Plus numerous other sundry items everywhere.

He says as I tidy up after the DCs it shouldn't be any trouble to clean up after him too.

I am really struggling at the moment. He says it makes him cross to come home from work to mess. Yet he makes this mess.

Madlizzy Thu 17-Jan-13 10:53:28

The very best of luck to you, whatever you decide. x

Haughtyculture Thu 17-Jan-13 09:16:22

Thank you to everyone that has been supportive and helpful, it's much appreciated.

I'm not doing too badly today, think today will be an "ok" day

I have a lot to think about and reflect upon, but think I definitely need to make some changes.

olgaga Thu 17-Jan-13 08:06:59

Merry and Scrambled I was thinking exactly the same - reactive/situational depression may be the problem. But even if your depression is clinical, OP, it's hard to see how your situation can improve while he is being so damn nasty and abusive to you.

The reason it's abusive as opposed to just being lazy and stupid is because he actively complains to you about the mess but does exactly the opposite of helping you to keep it manageable.

The fact that you have identified these problems and he refuses to help you or at least pick up after himself (let alone give you further help in the home) is so fundamentally wrong it's hard to see a solution other than him leaving.

And by the way, being a SAHP is not all about cleaning and cooking. It's about childcare predominantly - which is a hard enough job in itself.

Going out to work full time does not mean you don't have to pull your weight around the house.

Hope you are ok, OP.

MerryCouthyMows Wed 16-Jan-13 21:25:53

I had exactly this issue. It's funny how when he did leave, my PND cleared up within 2 weeks, and the house has stayed tidy.

There is NO reason you should be picking up after a capable adult. If he leaves, HE'S going to have to do it himself!!

It is abusive for him to behave like this towards you.

I'd 'let' him leave tbh. He'll soon realise what he's lost, while you and your DC's go from strength to strength. My Ex certainly did.
It's less likely to be 'proper' PND, and far more likely to be 'situational depression' caused by living with a knobend that thinks you are his slave. If he DOES leave, the depression will lift.

Jux Wed 16-Jan-13 13:31:45

Take photos, print them out and put them up on the kitchen cabinets. (That's what you could do to shame a normal bloke into being a grown up.)

HOWEVER I think he is doing this very deliberately and is becoming or is controlling you.

What help are you getting for your PNd?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Wed 16-Jan-13 11:58:25

I think this is worse than laziness or childishness, unacceptable as those would be. I think he is leaving mess around on purpose, to see if and when you will clean up after him and berate you and threaten to leave if you don't.  He is putting you in your place, in a breathtakingly nasty and srrogant way. He is telling you that your job is to clean up after him and do whatever he requires. He is exploiting your current vulnerability.

I agree!

Jinsei Wed 16-Jan-13 11:53:36

In general, I agree that housework goes with the territory of being a SAHP. However, we don't know if the OP is a SAHP, or whether she is on maternity leave with a very small baby. Either way, she has PND and clearly needs support - it is not reasonable to expect her to do as much as she might if she were well.

Furthermore, general housework and cleaning might well fall under the remit of a SAHP, but tidying up after a grown adult who can't be arsed to do it himself is quite another. The OP's "D"H clearly has no respect for his wife whatsoever, and is treating her as if she was a servant and not an equal partner. Yes, I believe that a SAHP should keep the household running smoothly (assuming that she is well enough to do so), but that does not turn her into some else's fucking slave.

The H's attitude sucks, and I believe that the OP would be better off without the bastard.

Madlizzy Wed 16-Jan-13 11:13:26

If you call his bluff, he will cack his little, stroppy pants. If he threatens to leave, just say "ok then" and watch the expression on his face. You deserve to be treated far better than that arsehole treats you. x

Yfronts Wed 16-Jan-13 11:07:25

Tell him his behavior isn't normal or supportive and give him a suitcase to pack his things.

TheFallenNinja Wed 16-Jan-13 11:05:57

Yanbu. His arms aren't painted on, there's no tidying clause in marriage vows. Tell him bollocks

ScrambledSmegs Wed 16-Jan-13 10:47:58

I think your 'D'H is probably one of the contributing factors to your PND. Feeling alone and unsupported in the early days is shit. I know you're not technically alone but you might as well be - in fact at least lone parents don't have to deal with someone making more work for you and telling you how crap you supposedly are.

If my DH had behaved like this when I had PND with DC1, he'd have been wearing his balls around his ears - admittedly I was somewhat unstable. But honestly, next time he tells you he'll leave, take him up on his offer. Maybe he'll start to see that it's not him doing you a favour by hanging around like a bad smell. Maybe he will leave and you'll all be happier without him. Whatever you do, don't think that you're the one who needs to change - it's him that's failing you, not the other way around.

Flobbadobs Wed 16-Jan-13 10:46:55

Total bold fail there...

Flobbadobs Wed 16-Jan-13 10:46:32

[allgoingtoshit] well that was sympathetic!
The OP has PND and apparently an extra stroppy child in the house deliberatly making a mess in order to have a go at the woman he married and is supposed to love and repect. Staying at home and looking after the house and children is equally as deserving of respect as going out to work. He doesn't respect her or her role in the family.

Yfronts Wed 16-Jan-13 10:39:54

Also my kids are old enough to pick up their mess/cups/make beds etc.

Yfronts Wed 16-Jan-13 10:38:36

It must be like living with a stroppy lazy teenager.

allgoingtoshitnow - being a SAHP and working have equal weighting. Both work as hard. In this light it is only fair that the evening jobs/weekend job/care are shared equally between the DH and wife. The wife needs some respite too - particularly as she has PND. The DH should be really looking out for his wife and respecting her.

Yfronts Wed 16-Jan-13 10:31:28

OMG he wants you to be his slave/maid! He is an adult, he can do his own picking up/wiping. We are not in the 1950's now!

I suggest you take control. Tell him he either pulls his weight properly like other husbands/fathers or he leaves. He can choose which option he prefers but he needs to decide this week.

allgoingtoshitnow Wed 16-Jan-13 10:27:42

Being a SAHP isnt 'the heavy lifting'. Going to work is.

OP - cleaning the house falls under the SAHP remit I'm afraid. However, cleaning the house when your DH is deliberately creating mess is another matter.

Just tell him you wont be cleaning up his clutter while he makes no attempt to clean up after himself.

And I hope you are getting help for your PND. Its stressful for everyone in a household, not just the sufferer.

KenLeeeeeee Wed 16-Jan-13 10:10:38

He sounds like a complete wanker. Threatening to leave you if you don't clean up after him?? Show him the door and tell him you hope it doesn't smack him on the arse on his way out.

My ex was like this, and I was struggling so much with PND. I cannot tell you how much easier my life and illness was to manage after I left the bastard. I would bet a great deal of money that your arsehole "d"H is a major contributing factor to your depression too.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Wed 16-Jan-13 10:06:31

Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Can you see it? If you want to change your life for the better, do you think planning it sooner rather than later would be beneficial? Do you think he is capable of permanent change?

I know you have depression and this can make getting out of bed difficult, let alone making any plans x

Flobbadobs Wed 16-Jan-13 10:00:04

He's looking for and making reasons to have a go at you on purpose. Agree with everyone else, next time he threatens to leave, tell him to go.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 08:40:08

Gagh that doesn't read the way or sounded on my head. What I'm trying to say is you're the one who does all the heavy lifting in your life. What is it that he actually does? Other than makeover work and put you down?

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 08:36:50

Sorry hit post too soon.

Do you think he would actually leave?
Or do you think he may react aggressively? Either physically or verbally?
Not trying to scare you or over react or saying dont do/say it just saying be safe.
And remember he has a lot more to lose than you do.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 16-Jan-13 08:32:21

In alwayspregants defence it can be hard to believe how big an arsehole and how unreasonable and manipulative some people can be unless you've encountered one.

Harder still to see it when you're actually in any sort of relationship with them…

He's a bully, and I do wonder if you did say fine off you go, don't let the door hit you on the way out what would happen?

olgaga Wed 16-Jan-13 08:27:32

I know men like this exist but I couldn't put up with it. It's so immature and disrespectful.

I would refuse point blank to deal with anything he leaves lying around. He has no right to treat you like a maid.

It does sound as though your life would be more straightforward without him. If he threatens to leave tell him would he please get on with it. In the meantime, why not have a read of the information and links here - you might find you're not as trapped in this situation as you thought!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 16-Jan-13 08:22:27

Op what wools he say if you said "if you'd rather leave me than help me, I think that says more about you than it does about me, don't you?"

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