to think it's unfair that DH moans about me not doing enough tidying...

(96 Posts)
Haughtyculture Tue 15-Jan-13 13:43:51

...when he makes all the mess?

I have PND and DH is always having a go at me for not tidying and doing enough housework and has threatened to leave me. I do do housework but I struggle at the moment.

Today DH has left 3 pairs of shoes laying around. A dog lead on the hall floor. Clothes all over the bedroom. a filthy cooker top where he got beans all over it last night. A filthy grill pan. A glass on the living room floor. Plus numerous other sundry items everywhere.

He says as I tidy up after the DCs it shouldn't be any trouble to clean up after him too.

I am really struggling at the moment. He says it makes him cross to come home from work to mess. Yet he makes this mess.

KumquatMae Tue 15-Jan-13 14:10:40

Let him leave then. It sounds like he's not actually bringing anything to the relationship other than stress and misery, which NOBODY should have to put up with let alone someone suffering PND. Next time he says he will leave just say "ok then, don't let the door hit you on the way out.." bet you a pound to a penny he won't though. Then you can tell him he can either leave or he can start picking up after himself and taking care of HIS children.

Beamur Tue 15-Jan-13 14:11:16

YANBU
But he is, totally.

It sounds like he wants an excuse to leave to me.
If he truly loved and respected you he would be doing all he could to help you and make you feel better after having HIS kids!!!
I don't like giving up on things without giving them a really good go but you may need to call his bluff in this instant.
Really sorry!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 15-Jan-13 14:14:22

Fucking hell! He's a cunt!

I don't think I've got the words to describe how angry that makes me or why or anything! Im fuming for you angry

So basically he sees you as his slave?

I would very seriously get rid.

Rikalaily Tue 15-Jan-13 14:14:55

He's a grown man who should be tidying up after himself, being a SAHM means taking care of the kids and doing the lions share of the housework, it doesn't mean you have to pick up after your husband when he just leaves crap laying around.

I'd tell him to go tbh, he's just adding to your work and making you feel like crap, I bet your PND would be alot better without him scattering his junk all over the house and having a go at you all the time.

LadyInDisguise Tue 15-Jan-13 14:16:49

So...
- You are ill but he threatens you to leave you because you are not 'good enough' (at tidying up)
- He wants you to treat him like a child (and tidy up after him as you do with the dcs) even though he is a grown up man and a father
- He doesn't participate in running the house at all but actually expect to waited for.

And when you explain that to him, his answer is to say he will leave you??

LTB is what comes to my mind mainly because I am struggling to see how a guy like this will ever even try to change...

Really sorry about it though. That's not what you want with a new baby and PND.

expatinscotland Tue 15-Jan-13 14:19:05

He says he'll leave. I'll tell him to. Then you won't have to clean up his mess or put up with him.

If I tell him he's being out of order he just says he'll leave

Work on why you are scared of being single.

He is destroying your mental health, this will impact on your parenting and the relationship that ypou have with your children.

If you are honest you don't have a healthy relationship with him, this is abusive, you would not do this to someone you care about.

He is taking your quality of life away, this is a choice that he is making.

KellyElly Tue 15-Jan-13 14:22:52

Why are you with him? Surely you'd be happier on your own than being treated like this?

alwayspregnant Tue 15-Jan-13 14:24:44

Don't understand why people are telling you to let him leave. He's the father of your children and hopefully this is just a rough patch for you both. If I were you I would set out a daily/weekly chore list to help with your PND and include chores for your husband to do.

Sit down one night and go through the list (bottle of wine might help). If he still feels like its not his job to do chores then get a cleaner in and use his pub money to pay for it.

Sugarice Tue 15-Jan-13 14:25:15

I know it's easier said than done but tell him to fuck off back to his Mother's or whoever brought him up where they'll be happy to clean up after him.

He's a twat, you know he't treating you like shite off the bottom of his shoe so tell yourself enough is enough.

Sugarice Tue 15-Jan-13 14:27:53

alwayspregnant do you really think he sounds like the kind of man willing to discuss division of housework over a bottle of wine seeing as he has threatened to leave over chores he thinks should be done by his Wife!

Yes he sounds very reasonable! hmm

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 15-Jan-13 14:28:13

alwayspregnant grin you're actually serious aren't you! shock

ebersneezer Tue 15-Jan-13 14:36:12

He's being an arse.

When I was a SAHM I did the majority of the regular cleaning tasks like hoovering, cleaning bathroom, food shopping and weekday cooking but that's only part of the day to day stuff that needs to be done.

FFS even my kids are expected to pick up their stuff, plates & glasses, clean up after meals, tidy their own clothes, give the floor a quick sweep.

I'm sure the queen doesn't sort out her ow wardrobe, pick up her own used glass, put the dog lead away but she thats because she fucking pays for someone to do it.

TuppenceBeresford Tue 15-Jan-13 14:36:54

HaughtyCulture, have you posted about this before? I was going to reply before but didn’t because I felt I would only have been repeating what other posters said. But since nothing has changed in your relationship I will say what I was going to say before.

In your previous thread you gave an account of everything you had done that morning and how you had tried your best. I couldn’t figure out then how you could have fitted more in without getting up at dawn, and I wondered what you actually accomplish on a good day, if that was a bad day. This is besides the fact that even if you did no housework you would still be looking after his children!

So you are doing a perfectly acceptable amount of housework, as any rational person should be able to see. This makes me think that the housework issue is a red-herring. It has nothing to do with housework and everything to do with him being a horrible person.

He is being emotionally abusive and I would ask myself why so many posters have reacted the way they have, and whether you want to spend the rest of your life in an abusive relationship.

And I have to disagree with alwayspregnant - you can't negotiate with an abusive partner, it only validates their behaviour. This isn't a case where there is fault on both sides here; the fault is all on HIS side and I'm quite shocked that you seem to think his behaviour is acceptable.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 15-Jan-13 14:39:13

Poor you.

YANBU.

What do you want to do?

Get cleaner? Call his bluff? Convo?

ResolutelyCheeky Tue 15-Jan-13 14:40:43

Say " I've checked the family allowance and your name is not listed. Therefore you must be an adult....grow the fuck up"
Show him this post, he needs a reality check.

alwayspregnant Tue 15-Jan-13 14:41:19

I'm obviously missing something confused - I cannot understand how a marriage could split up over housework.

I think I'll retreat back to my make believe world...

Sorelip Tue 15-Jan-13 14:43:34

Tell him to leave anyway. I had PND and DH was nothing but supportive. I dread to think how I'd have felt if he tried to pull the kind of shit your DH is. I agree with the other posters, and I'd bet my house (if I had one) on your PND at the very least improving if he left.

alwayspregnant I cannot understand how a marriage could split up over housework.

If they split up, it wouldn't be because of housework. It would be because of his emotional abuse.

Dahlen Tue 15-Jan-13 14:50:23

alwayspregnant - yes you are. The point.

It's not about housework. The housework is symptomatic of his blatant lack of respect and consideration for his wife. If you love someone who is ill you try to make life easier for them. You do not expect them to pick up your shoes, clean up your mess and generally behave like a servant rather than a much-loved companion.

CheerfulYank Tue 15-Jan-13 14:59:35

I am a SAHM and most of the cleaning, cooking, etc but tidying up after a grown man? Hells no!

He is totally in the wrong to treat you this way. He's being a twat. angry

CailinDana Tue 15-Jan-13 15:05:02

Alwayspregnant - do you seriously think a husband giving no help to his ill wife, the berating her for not being his servant, is just having a rough patch? Oh and you'll notice she has tried to talk to him about it, and he's said he'll leave, so clearly he's not just being dense, he thinks he has every right to behave this way and will be the one to break up the family if the OP doesn't dance to his tune. Would you put up with that sort of treatment?

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 15-Jan-13 15:14:47

Perhaps alwayspregnant is the time to do everything for her man so doesn't get it.

Haughtyculture Tue 15-Jan-13 15:18:32

Thanks for the supportive replies everyone, they are much appreciated.

And thanks alwayspregnant for your, erm, insightful opinions. Your posts have actually given me a much-needed chuckle this afternoon!

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