...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

(154 Posts)
Confusedandrejected Mon 14-Jan-13 19:48:41

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

YorkshireDeb Mon 14-Jan-13 22:11:06

The no sex bit I can sympathise with. My dp had a dip in his sex drive during pregnancy & this seems to have continued since having ds. My own insecurities tell me it's my body but he says he's tired. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to have the man you love tell you that it is your body. I'm sure you're gorgeous - can't believe how quickly you lost the weight or that he has an issue with your enormous boobs! Any decent man would love you & cherish you. X

OxfordBags Mon 14-Jan-13 22:19:26

You selfish, disgusting bitch. This man, this superhumanly attractive adonis, owns your body and your sole purpose in life is to fulfil his every aesthetic whim and instead you go off and ruin it all by creating and nurturing human life. The poor man, having to carve out time for himself to masturbate to porn whilst your time is consumed with mothering and your newly-changed body merely keeps your child alive. Do you think he wants his mind to be warped by unrealistic and degrading images of unnatural female bodies and sex acts? That he wants to think solely of his own needs and pleasure? He has no option than to make you feel repulsive at a time when you are more vulnerable and feeling like your body is unfamiliar than at any other time in your life, just to make you get your priorities straight - making your appearance fit his unobtainable and unrealistic ideals of attractiveness. At least this also serves to make you feel so bad about yourself that you don't have time to see that not having sex is the least of the problems in this relationship.

WARNING: above post may contain some sarcasm.

Arthurfowlersallotment Mon 14-Jan-13 22:22:36

There isn't an amount of money in the world that would make me stay with a cunt like your DH.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 22:27:06

Oxford, reading your post actually made my heart rate speed up !

op, I hope you are ok, this all must be so hard to hear sad

OxfordBags Mon 14-Jan-13 22:30:25

I just hope everyone else reads to the end off mine, AF...

What an utter cunt

stella1w Mon 14-Jan-13 22:33:54

I had ptsd after my birth and my first thought was op,s h mauy have it. Anger is a symptom of ptsd though i still find his cruel remarks v strange. Suggest therapy or ltb. And does he not understand that boobs get bigger when bfeeding?

I think the therapy suggestions are really best summed up in thing1andthing2's post. Either something is badly wrong, in which case hopefully it can be worked through, or he is just a twat.

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 22:38:50

OP your DH is an absolute cunt. He is blaming you for HIS problem He does not deserve a wonderful woman like you. It is emotional abuse.
Ginberry your post really resonated with me. My dh hadnt touched me for 7 years I lost ten stone and had an affair which lasted 4 and a half years. But im still with DH.
I dont want to hijack this thread but i just want to say that these are all forms of emotional abuse. When my DH found out about the affair in 2003 he called me a bitch.
Several years later he was saying "do what you need to do but be discreet about it"
Its a silent form of abuse that society seems to sweep under the rug. Ginberry i hope you are happier now. OP i hope you kick the cunt out. DH doesnt touch me but hes never insulted my appearance at all. And i would kill to be a size 12 right now. You sound lovely OP He does not realise what he has.

Ahhhcrap Mon 14-Jan-13 22:39:55

The sex thing I can understand, it can be traumatising for a fella to watch and I understand why he might be out off for a time afterwards...

But.... That doesn't stop him paying you attention, kissing it hugging you! You carried his baby for 9 months and put your body through hell...

By saying those things to you about your tummy is just plain cruel! And he'd see you go into surgery to reduce your boobs is insane... You are feeding your/his child fgs!

I'd be expressing milk and making him do some night feeds (uf he can stay up and wank he can stay up and feed the baby) and having a very serious chat with him about his attitude! I certainly wouldn't be offering a blow job! He should be looking after you NOT selfishly putting himself before you or his baby.

inde Mon 14-Jan-13 22:42:08

I really hope this is a wind up. I can't imagine that anybody is that bad. If it isn't a wind up then I apologise. Seriously op you deserve better than than this. Much much better.

foreverondiet Mon 14-Jan-13 22:54:24

Assuming this isn't a troll post (as I can't believe anyone could actually be that awful) I think he could have post natal depression and needs medical help. Ask your GP where to go for help.

If you get on well with his parents maybe you could discuss with them?

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 23:06:41

I put this on another thread but i thought id put it here as well.

Cathy Meyer wrote on Huffington Post about when she was in a sexless marriage (also of the husbands choosing) and a lot of the comments underneath try shift the blame onto her.
Its a good example of the kind of attitude women have to put up with. There is an assumption in society that its mainly women who go off sex. This is rubbish. The only reason for that is that when women like Cathy or me speak out about it we are vilified for it or the blame is shifted back to us.
Therefore less of us speak out which skews the figures.

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 23:08:21
gimmecakeandcandy Mon 14-Jan-13 23:12:24

What a cunt he is

He does not deserve you, what a total knob. I'm surprised that YOU want sex with HIM!

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 14-Jan-13 23:16:02

Where is the Op?

ComposHat Mon 14-Jan-13 23:21:53

what a class A cunt.

Confusedandrejected Mon 14-Jan-13 23:48:51

Aaaaaaagh! I just spent 45 mins tapping out a reply to all the points, while feeding, and my bloody phone lost it. Will reply in full later, but for now...

He's not ALL bad, he is a good dad and does help in the night. He was also brilliant during the birth and only admitted his own feelings/fears about it afterwards.

Sadly I can't join a gym/have my hair done/get new clothes to cheer myself up as we're existing on my SMP alone until I go back to work. I haven't had new clothes or my hair cut in months, which doesn't help in my feeling crap about myself.

He does have form for criticising my body and made me feel crap on several occasions, even before I was pregnant.
I understand why everyone is saying LTB but with a newborn i'm not in a place to be considering this, at least not imminently. I love him deeply and just want him to feel the same. That said, I know I have to tackle this as I fear we could drift even further apart.

Thank you so, so much to everyone for responding. It really helps as I have nobody to talk to IRL. Several responses have made me feel so much better.

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 14-Jan-13 23:53:12

Thats a lovely link darkest very succinct.

ComposHat Mon 14-Jan-13 23:53:27

nope I'm still saying he's a cunt op for the way he's treated you.

Getting up on the night, isn't being a good dad it is what you're supposed to do. the bare minimum especially if he isn't working.

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 14-Jan-13 23:53:45

Thats a lovely link darkest very succinct.

Darkesteyes Mon 14-Jan-13 23:56:08

Thankyou Resolutely thanks

WantsToBeFree Mon 14-Jan-13 23:58:10

Has he been living under a rock? Does he think all women are like Posh Spice and miraculously bounce back to picture perfect two seconds after giving birth?

Pregnancy and childbirth (unfortunately) change a woman's body, often in unpleasant ways. If he can't deal with that, he should have married a woman who didn't want kids.

Ugh. He is such an ass.

Fakebook Tue 15-Jan-13 00:03:31

Bloody hell. Does he realise you GAVE BIRTH to his child? He should treat your body as a shrine for that.

Time to stop being a pushover and stand up for yourself sternly when he mentions your stretch marks and jiggly tummy. It's YOUR body, not his. If you're happy with yourself then make sure you let him know clearly that he doesn't own you and doesn't have the right to make shitty comments like that. You could get petty and mention his flaws too; I'm sure he's not a perfect specimen of a man. He certainly doesn't sound like it personality-wise.

WantsToBeFree Tue 15-Jan-13 00:03:34

"Does he have any redeeming features ? Such as a massive cock or a Swiss bank account filling with millions ? Even if he does hes still a prize cunt."

LOL!

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