...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

(154 Posts)
Confusedandrejected Mon 14-Jan-13 19:48:41

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

Further than that - he doesn't seem to want to be with a real woman, in a real relationship, in a real family, in real actual love.

ErikNorseman Mon 14-Jan-13 21:06:42

He sounds completely fucking foul. I couldn't live my life with such a nasty, shallow cunt.

Anonymumous Mon 14-Jan-13 21:07:53

My God, he sounds AWFUL. And I'm one of those posters who normally goes out of her way to try to understand the man's point of view... shock

It sounds to me like he is doing his best to keep you away from him. He's being deliberately obnoxious and blaming you for the situation, to deflect away from the fact that HE is the one with the problem. He'd rather blame you and hide away in the spare room with his porn than come clean and tell you what's really bugging him.

I understand that when you've got a newborn baby together, it's not as simple as 'Leave the Bastard'. But you need to put your foot down about the porn. If he wants to sleep in a separate bedroom, fine. But if he wants a sex life, he should be having it with you. And if he refuses to give up the porn, then tell him in no uncertain terms that his "spare bedroom" will shortly be located in a different house entirely.

(Incidentally, if you should decide to 'LTB', I can thoroughly recommend joining a gym with a creche, getting a body to die for, and then - once he is panting with lust for you once again - kick him in the bollocks and shout, "Not bloody likely, Fatso!" Then chuck him out. So much more satisfying than just leaving...)

thing1andthing2 Mon 14-Jan-13 21:18:05

His comments to you are inexcusable. But please be aware that men can suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder following watching their partner go through a traumatic childbirth. They can feel horror and helplessness at the time and can't move on from it. Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, fear and anxiety, avoidance behaviours (e.g. avoiding reminders of the event) and irritability, insomnia, etc etc. Often it is also accompanied by depression.
If your partner's behaviour has changed a lot since the birth maybe talk to him about whether this could be the problem.
If that's not the problem then he's just being a twat, as everyone else has said.

riskit4abiskit Mon 14-Jan-13 21:18:07

What a selfish Dick! So sorry for you op, you sound lovely, much more than he deserves!

Does he help.with the baby much (searching for any redeeming qualities)?

Does he have any redeeming features ? Such as a massive cock or a Swiss bank account filling with millions ? Even if he does hes still a prize cunt.

NestaRobertMarley Mon 14-Jan-13 21:21:12

What a totally immature selfish idiot,

I would never be able to fancy him again.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 21:22:24

It really is as simple as LTB.
I had a new baby on my own. It was hard, but OK. I would rather that than be with a man who spent all his time after me giving birth wanking over porn and criticising the way I looked. And, not that this is even the point, you are fine OP. You are a normal healthy size.
I honestly (and I mean this) would rather be alone than with a man that didn't love the bones of me.
And I am not expecting a Disney dad, just holding out for a real man, who understands that bringing a child into the world with your body makes demands on a woman. One who doesn't criticise my tits, or tell me I need to have bits of my body chopped up to make him feel less disgusted with me.
Sorry OP, sorry if that makes you feel worse. I hope it doesn't, I am just being honest.
I think you deserve better.

valiumredhead Mon 14-Jan-13 21:22:45

I wouldn't want to be with a man that said such vile things to me. Even if he apologised I could never forgive him sad

WhatDoesTheDogSay Mon 14-Jan-13 21:26:58

You poor soul, he sounds hideous angry. YANBU!

thebody Mon 14-Jan-13 21:32:11

Are you ok op? Xx

makinglemonade Mon 14-Jan-13 21:35:56

I hate that people declare LTB with only a tiny piece of information.

I think what he has said to you is inexcusable and completely out if order. It does sound like he's finding it difficult to adjust. 3 months doesn't seem a long time.

I think therapy sounds like the answer. You need to have a really honest conversation with him and find out what he's feeling.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 21:37:33

Some women will continue a relationship with a man like this.

Many will not, and there is not one reason I can see why anyone would bother.

AdoraBell Mon 14-Jan-13 21:40:51

Given the things he's said to you OP I wouldn't be looking for physical contact, I'd be looking for a good divorce lawyer.

So sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult. I second the suggestion that therapy together is the best way forward. I hope it works out.

carlywurly Mon 14-Jan-13 21:45:52

Awful. You don't have to put up with this. hmm

edwinbear Mon 14-Jan-13 21:48:31

The comments he has made about your body are inexcusable. However, my dh went off sex after watching a very difficult birth with ds, I can count on two hands the number of times we have had sex in the 3.5 years since, although one of those did conceive dd. After being traumatised myself by ds birth, I hired a private midwife for dd who diagnosed PTSD in both me and dh. dh was so badly affected by witnessing ds birth he refused to come to dd's, and whilst a wonderful birth with dd has laid all my demons to rest, I really think dh has been more affected than even he realises. but dh has never made any comments about my postpartum body other than to congratulate me for losing the baby weight.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 21:49:10

"he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much."

Nuff said.
Suppose he does have therapy. (And I am hoping no-one is suggesting OP needs What if you have more kids, or, God forbid, get older OP?
I am sorry but I just find what he has said to you unforgivable.
He may well not be feeling sexy. That's fine. It's totally fine for anyone to not feel sexy for a while. What is not fine is making your partner, the one who gave birth to your baby, feel disgusting and unattractive.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 21:50:16

hoping no-one suggesting OP needs therapy,meant to say.

motherinferior Mon 14-Jan-13 21:55:46

He doesn't sound very nice. To put it mildly. I really wouldn't want to have therapy to repair my relationship with someone who found my post-partum body off-putting.

thebody Mon 14-Jan-13 21:57:19

Well she might need therapy if she keeps living with this bastard.

tethersend Mon 14-Jan-13 21:57:43

Don't have a breast reduction.

Twat reductions are cheaper.

You could get rid of a massive one for free.

DoodlesNoodles Mon 14-Jan-13 22:04:01

I can understand men not feeling like sex after watching a partner give birth. It can be very traumatic. Also, I am sure some men get 'confused' about how they see their partners and the arrival of a new baby. It can be overwhelming.

However, although I might be understanding in this circumstance I wouldn't be in the OP's case. Her DH sounds as though he has been very unpleasant. Even if he wasn't ready for sex the lack of affection and the nasty comments are unforgivable.

(I hope I have explained this ok)

Ginberry Mon 14-Jan-13 22:04:55

My exH was like this, even though I was back to pre-pregnancy weight within 6 weeks of the birth and back in the gym not long after that. He just wouldn't touch me at all and couldn't understand why it was even an issue. Refused to go to counselling. After 18 months, he was absolutely enraged to find out I'd had my head turned by someone else. Hadn't had any sex or anything, just a bit of email flirtation and one drink. ExH showed just enough interest then to shag me a couple of times - refusing condoms and insisting that if I loved him I wouldn't insist on contraception after "all the fuss you've made about sex". That resulted in DC2.

We never had sex again and were divorced by the time DC2 was 2.

Sorry you're going through this but your H sounds vile and you sound very patient. I would start finding out as much as possible about your financial position and see a divorce lawyer. Just in case.

carlywurly Mon 14-Jan-13 22:10:36

Wish I could press like on tethersend's post!!

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