...to wonder why my DH won't have sex with me?

(154 Posts)
Confusedandrejected Mon 14-Jan-13 19:48:41

Am a regular but have namechanged for this.

I'm feeling rejected, unattractive and unwanted as my DH won't as much as kiss me or hold me, let alone have sex with me, since our PFB was born three months ago.
He's sleeping in the spare room, under the excuse that he can't bear to be woken by my bfing at night. However, I think it's mainly because he's still repulsed by my body and doesn't want any sort of physical contact.

Prior to my becoming pregnant we had a fantastic sex life. But throughout my pregnancy my sex drive rose as his waned. He admitted he wasn't attracted to my changing body (I put on two stone, all bump and boobs) and we only had sex twice in the third trimester.

I hoped things would change once DS was born as I was so keen for things to get back to normal, but he's barely touched me. A kiss on the cheek is the most contact we've had. I talked to him about it and he says the birth (v long labour, failed ventouse, forcep delivery) has put him off.
This I understand, and I know I should give him time, but he won't hug me, kiss me or even let me give him a blow job (i hoped this would be a way to resume our sex life!)

I know it shouldn't matter, but fwiw I have lost all the baby weight and am back to my usual size 10/12. Still, he has pointed out the new jiggliness of my tummy, the few stretchmarks and the massiveness of my boobs while I'm bfing. He's even suggested I have a reduction as he dislikes them so much.

So AIBU to want some physical contact? I'm not trying to push him into sex, but I feel starved of any intimacy. I feel like a mother and not a sexual woman anymore- each night I'm feeding in our bed while he wanks off to porn in the spare room. I feel uncomfortable in my new postpartum body, a body he obviously finds repulsive. I'm scared he'll leave me and honestly don't know what to do.

mrsstewpot Mon 14-Jan-13 20:12:00

Firstly well done on losing the baby weight - my baby is 15 months and I've lost nothing and I'm nowhere near a size 10/12!

You should be feeling royally chuffed with yourself right now - not sad and rejected. Any changes to your body are like badges of honour. What your body went through to bring your little baby into the world. I salute and admire you.

Now, whilst it is understandable for a man to feel a little put off or even scared especially after witnessing the birth, it is quite another thing to put you down, criticize you and generally make you feel like crap.

Don't know what to advise but I would not be taking this lying down. How dare he make you feel like this!

Hope you find the courage and confidence to deal with this and gain the love, admiration, respect and intimacy you deserve.

CheCazzo Mon 14-Jan-13 20:13:49

I cannot find the words to describe how much this type of man repulses me

Exactly that ^. I'm not sure there are words strong enough for the job.

McNewPants2013 Mon 14-Jan-13 20:13:55

LTB.

over a year you have been pregnant and giving birth to his child, ofcourse your body has changed. What a wanker to make you low about you body.

Snusmumriken Mon 14-Jan-13 20:14:47

He is a first class asshole!

McNewPants2013 Mon 14-Jan-13 20:15:03

Any changes to your body are like badges of honour. What your body went through to bring your little baby into the world. I salute and admire you.

very well said smile

Coconutty Mon 14-Jan-13 20:15:31

I have to say that I would not be offering this man a blow job either.

loho Mon 14-Jan-13 20:15:38

And you want to give this man a blow job????!!!
He sounds like a right twat

chandellina Mon 14-Jan-13 20:20:26

I totally agree with the angry comments but I think the op needs some more constructive advice. Have you talked to him about getting used to the many ways in which life has changed including the appearance of your body? Can he acknowledge that women's bodies change after pregnancy? Can you talk to him about ways to get your sex life back on track? Maybe he is just a childish, unrealistic person who thinks all women should look like porn stars, but I could only hope you had good reasons to marry him and that he loves you underneath his current insensitivity and denial.

Writehand Mon 14-Jan-13 20:21:57

This is awful for you. Some people are just far more squeamish than others (it's not always men who get irrationally put off by physical stuff. I knew a woman who couldn't do blow jobs because she thought dicks were so revolting to look at). I always feel sorry for people like this, but it's a real gut reaction and they find it very difficult to change. My lovely, precious wonderful SD is so bad about medical stuff she's seriously embarrassing. This is someone who sobs and shrieks if they want to put in a cannula, at 35 with 2 kids.

TBH, it sounds like you may have a problem. I knew a man - a nice man - who watched his wife give birth and could never make love to her or any other woman again. He loved her, but he could never overcome the revulsion he'd felt watching the process. It wasn't so much that he was disgusted, more that he couldn't accept the pain and the mess.

He'd tried to get out of being present at the delivery, but she made it a very big deal and after that their marriage was sexless. Eventually it ended. Last time I saw him he was still impotent, with anyone. Sex was a no go area for him. Too dangerous, was how he saw it.

But the way you describe your DH sounds as if he's "allowed" to be deliberately insulting in your relationship and that this was happening before you had the baby. How can anyone say that a woman breastfeeding a small baby needs a reduction? Did he always criticise your body like this? I imagine he must've done, or you'd have ripped him a new one when he first started. It sounds as if he's always felt entitled to "judge" your body, and to tell you if it's not up to the proper standard he expects. Am I picking this up right?

MadamFolly Mon 14-Jan-13 20:22:47

What an enormous twat, he does not deserve you OP.

digerd Mon 14-Jan-13 20:24:18

If he'd said your BF woke him up and he works long hours of hard labour and tiring shift work, that would at least be better than what he did say. That was cruel and nasty. Most men are heavy sleepers and sleep through thunder and lightening storms. But he is disturbed by your BF sounds??
My SIL had a jelly belly after her first 10lber baby at 20, but told me my DB had said he finds it really sexy, although she was very self-conscious of it.
Also the bigger the boobs the better
What is the matter with him - he's a nutter and cruel to boot.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 14-Jan-13 20:28:24

Wow he sounds exactly like my abusive ExDP. Get rid.

Cakethrow Mon 14-Jan-13 20:30:22

What a selfish, insensitive arsehole.

I am so sorry he's putting you through this.
He has no right to make those comments about your body especially as it's just grown and given birth to his child.

I honestly can't think of anything constructive to post because I feel so angry on your behalf (I'm 11 days post natal too)
Sending you hugs instead.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 20:32:39

He is a monumental arsehole. I hope he is a proper Adonis btw..
Of course it is normal to be a bit shocked by the whole birth thing-I was, but suggesting you have a breast reduction?? Commenting on a jiggly stomach a mere 12 weeks post partum??
WTF??
I do think 3 months is quite soon to even be thinking about sex, but that's may be just me. I couldn't even think sexual thoughts until about 5 months in, although I was single, so it didn't matter!
Why do you want to sleep with him? Is it the closeness etc? Because, if so, he is ruling himself out of any kind of intimacy by being a massive knob.
Did you know he was like this prior to getting pregnant?
You are not disgusting, OR less of a woman. You have done an amazing thing and deserve love and respect.
I don't know what to suggest, other than LTB.
Being on your own is not all bad. I am single, and feel like a right sex goddess. Maybe because I wouldn't allow a man in my life that didn't make me feel that way.

RavenVonChaos Mon 14-Jan-13 20:33:13

Get your hair done, buy a great outfit that makes the most of your assets, express some milk and go out on a night out with your best mates. Don't come home all night. Do it again next week and the week after. Have fun, don't worry about your DP. He will get over himself. You will get lots of attention that will show you that your DP is blind and that you are beautiful and gorgeous.

balotelli Mon 14-Jan-13 20:34:40

What a twat.

Since my DW had our DD her body has undergone changes but I dont give a shit its still the same gorgeous awesome wonderful woman inside the body and thats the bit that I love.

Her boobs have gone back down to the lovely little ones they were b4 and yes she has some soft bits but they are all the better to cuddle.

Trouble is my DW doesnt want to just like your DH so you and me are in the same boat. sad

Good luck, hope you can work someting out soon.

Dirtymistress Mon 14-Jan-13 20:36:10

He sounds like an absolute horror and in all honesty you would be so much better off without him even if you can't see that at the moment. Whatever you do, don't let his bizarre rejection of you put even the tiniest dent in your self confidence.
On a lighter note, my OH witnessed me me pooing in a pool whilst giving birth to our DS and still wanted to shag me senseless the minute I got home from the hospital.
There are lovely men out there. Get rid of your shit one and get a new one.

ledkr Mon 14-Jan-13 20:44:58

Goodness what would he do if you had to have surgery or had a terrible accident. Highly immature. All that porn has pickled his brain.

Flosshilde Mon 14-Jan-13 20:49:10

My DH went off sex whilst I was pregnant and for about 9 months after the birth of DS1. He never ever, ever criticised how my body looked or feeled. For him, it was the fear of the unknown during the pregnancy and afterwards, the fact that so many people had 'rooted round up there' which he found offputting. My boobs leaked like hell as well. It was solved by the passage of time and we have had a healthy sex life since, including during this pregnancy.

This behaviour is abhorrent. He may come round in time but the comments are nasty in the extreme so really its whether you want to continue in a relationship with a man who has shown he can act like this.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 20:53:31

balotelli what you say about your DW is sweet, and she will get back to normal sex drive wise in time (and it does take time for some) but you and OP are not exactly in the same boat.
I am sure your DW is not citing your disgusting body as a reason for her lack of sex drive smile

HollyTheHedgehog Mon 14-Jan-13 20:55:52

My Dp isnt in to the whole 'sex when heavily pregnant' thing, I dont think thats all uncommon.

I can even understand why the frightening sight of cutting and forceos may be etched on his brain for a short while.

But to point out your body changes, with the negativity in which he did was completely out of order, what a prick.

I dont think Id ever take my clothes off for him again. See ya later, that would be for me.

Bellerophon Mon 14-Jan-13 20:58:12

None of the advice on here (except chandellina) is actually constructive - although I suppose calling someone a twat etc is solidarity through making her feel better.

The point is this - the OP wants to be intimate with her husband again, and he's struggling with her body. Calling him the c-word isn't going to make him suddenly feel desire for her again.

What might help however is if the OP is able to somehow remove herself from the maternal context. If someone can babysit, and she can go out with her partner and be herself, away from the child and breastfeeding and cots and nappies, he might suddenly see the person he couldn't see amongst all the noise.

Yes he is wrong not to see that already, not to see the wonderful woman in front of him. But honestly, some of us are asking men to be from central casting for dads.

IfNotNowThenWhen Mon 14-Jan-13 21:03:27

I'm not calling him the c-word. I am calling him an actual cunt.

Therapy, go together.

And not wanking over porn - whatever anyone thinks about porn it is reinforcing the idea that tight bums/tums/tits are the norm - and they're not after birth. So he needs to stop that and commit to restart intimacy with you - not necessarily sex at the beginning but intimacy.

And tell him whatever he thinks or feels does not mean he can't kiss, cuddle or be affectionate with you. You have needs too and he's not meeting them.

I strongly think that if he doesn't commit to doing the above you should consider leaving this eejit - he doesn't seem to want to be with a real woman.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 21:05:25

Most of us are expecting that men not be grade A cunts

It's not a big ask

OP..your husband sounds horrible. The only constructive thing I can say is that you should leave him.

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