to think my DD was not being unreasonable to not want to sit at the 'childrens table'?

(115 Posts)
500DaysofAutumn Mon 14-Jan-13 19:16:41

It was my mums 80th birthday over the weekend so we had a lunch out with all the family.

We weren't however all sat on one large table - we were in a separate room with three long tables each pushed against a wall and there was seating for 8 people on each.

My brother had done the seating plan. My DD who is 20 was sat with her 5 year and two 7 year old cousins. Two of the younger children are my brothers and he was sat on a completely different table to them.

My DD never said anything at the time, but in the car home I think she felt humiliated at being placed on the childrens table and she didn't really enjoy herself. I love my nieces and nephew but at that age it's not exactly stimulating conversation.

It also wasn't a set menu so it was ultimately left to my DD to help them chose what to eat - she doesn't have a clue about what their eating habits are and what they like or dislike and to also watch over them whilst they ate.

(They are all fantastic children, but when they are together can get a little silly and over excited as most children do)

She was thankfully sat with her other cousin who is 14 but those immediately next to her and in front of her with the youngest in the family.

I was impressed with her as she never complained about it until we were in the car leaving. She is 20 and therefore not a child and in my opinion shouldn't have been made to sit at the childrens table either.

aibu?

floweryblue Mon 14-Jan-13 20:02:22

Since Sis had her DS (Sis is single mother), all family gatherings have had me on one side of him, her on the other.

I anticipate that in the future, I will continue to supervise him while she has more and more freedom to socialise. But, and it is a very big BUT, Sis asks me if that's OK every time plus I don't like 'social' meals, so I actually prefer having something to do.

You should be very proud of your DD for not complaining at the time and YANBU for feeling she got lumbered with providing free child care.

chinam Mon 14-Jan-13 20:13:16

So basically your brother wanted someone to look after his kids while he got to sit with the grown ups. Cheeky git.

FelicityWasSanta Mon 14-Jan-13 20:28:59

Yanbu at all.

This and the other thread about 'teenagers and chairs' make me SO glad that I come from a family which never segregated kids, in that situation we would have sat mixed in with the adults. IMO a huge part of the joy of families is mixed generations. Sticking all the 'children' together, is always going to result in situations like this. Ridiculous and exclusive.

Remotecontrolduck Mon 14-Jan-13 21:40:10

I've never understood this 'children's table' thing, why don't people look after their own kids? I went to many weddings etc as a child and never sat at a different table?!

Your 20 year old is neither a child, nor a babysitter. No one over 12 really should be sat at a 'children's table' (well, no one should in my opinin but accept others might feel differently). They can sit quitely or join in the conversation.

The other thread is mortifying. 17 years old and sent to sit with the kids, goodness.

thebody Mon 14-Jan-13 22:03:55

You should have said something.. My Dcs are 23 and 21 and i would have laughed, told the parents to look after their own kids and moved their chairs...

Why does there need to be a children's table at all?!

500DaysofAutumn Mon 14-Jan-13 22:09:38

I already said that I said something thebody but it was ignored, I didn't realise that DD felt quite so humiliated and she's 20 and will say when she has a problem.

But also neither would want to cause a scene when we're there for my mum.

Trills Mon 14-Jan-13 22:11:40

She was very polite.

And she is not at all unreasonable to not want to sit with and supervise children without having been asked.

thebody Mon 14-Jan-13 22:12:31

Sorry op didn't catch that. Your poor dd what a bloody cheek.

apostropheuse Mon 14-Jan-13 22:14:58

So it was a table for eight people.

There were three adults, a fourteen year old and four children at it.

I really don't see the problem there to be honest.

It's not exactly a children's table, it's fairly mixed.

zipzap Mon 14-Jan-13 22:18:37

Are you going to bring it up with your brother now that you've realised it was an issue for your dd - and you by the sound of it?

I know you tried during the event and they conveniently ignored you but definitely think it is worth telling your brother off yourself for taking advantage of the good nature of your dd and her graciousness at not wanting to upset her gran's 80th by taking advantage of her for free child watching.

I would also make sure that next time there is a big family do that you don't let your dbro do the table plan - or warn him in advance that absolutely your dd will not be sitting with the children; and that even if he puts her there, you will be moving her into his / his wife's seat and they can look after their own offspring!

Startail Mon 14-Jan-13 22:34:11

At Christmas parties etc, I joined the adults from about 8, certainly from 10. I was the eldest at the children bored me witless.

carabos Mon 14-Jan-13 22:39:42

YANBU. At Xmas at BiL's house he and SiL had to add an extra table at the short end of the main table to accommodate everyone. This was the designated children's table. Except that the "children" who were seated at it were 20, 17, 15, 5 and 3. Guess what - the teens were there as entertainment for the littlies.

^"There were three adults, a fourteen year old and four children at it.

I really don't see the problem there to be honest"^

The fact that none of the parents of the children were among the adults maybe? They need to mind their own little ones, not palm them off on anyone who happens to be seated nearby hmm

Well done to your DD for being so gracious after being dropped in it OP, she has at least acted like a responsible adult, even if your brother didn't.

OkayHazel Tue 15-Jan-13 00:26:54

I'm 20, and had that happened to me, I'd have ordered myself a bottle of red wine, drank it all and not given a shit about what the kids order. Ice cream for a main? FINE!
Just watch them stick me with the kids again.
But then again, there are no children younger than me in my family, and I fear I'm quite petty.

ComposHat Tue 15-Jan-13 00:30:41

YABU well done her for not making a scene as I would probably have done at her age.

ComposHat Tue 15-Jan-13 00:31:18

sorry YANBU clearly not BU.

500DaysofAutumn Tue 15-Jan-13 00:48:08

Every other table was full of adults (apart from a 6mo who was obviously sat with his mum)

It was kind of obvious that my brother had placed people on his table that he likes. I know you're not going to be a seating plan and place yourself next to someone you dislike but you surely should take other people into account too.

SantasENormaSnob Tue 15-Jan-13 07:23:03

Yanbu at all.

And as it wasn't children only at the table it should've been the parents on there, not your dd and the other couple.

I would be furious to be lumbered with other kids at a meal out.

Grumpla Tue 15-Jan-13 07:27:06

Haha @ Hazel, I think that would certainly have been an effective way to avoid a repeat wink

Groovee Tue 15-Jan-13 07:34:06

I'd organise another meal and do a seating plan where your brother is left in charge of the kids.

AThingInYourLife Tue 15-Jan-13 07:50:28

I don't think the 14 year old should have been on a "kids' table" either.

The only reason to have a children's table at all is at big gatherings so the kids get to hang out together.

There weren't enough children to make that worthwhile, so the children should have been interspersed.

And no matter where they were their parents were still responsible for them unless they arranged in advance (and paid) for one of their nieces or nephews to babysit.

Your brother is incredibly rude to have arranged the seating so that he had the best time.

Whatever about putting your adult daughter with her child cousins - how insulting to the other couple to be so obviously stuck on the end.

Just make sure he never does the seating plan again, the mannerless oik.

firesidechat Tue 15-Jan-13 07:52:48

Why can't people sit with their own bloody children???

This^

Whenever we have family events the ages are all mixed up. Children are part of the family, not a separate species after all. Good for the children's social skills too.

My grown up daughter loves children, but she would be a bit fed up at this.

Jelly15 Tue 15-Jan-13 08:02:35

As someone else said you must be proud of your daughter for not saying anything to cause an atmosphere at her grandmothers party but I would tell my brother to look after his own kids next time.

MrsMelons Tue 15-Jan-13 08:10:01

I do find it strange that they had a childrens table and that people didn't sit in families. I would have said something on her behalf TBH as she isn't a child and it was unfair.

Childrens tables are fine if say the children are of similar age and need no adult help with eating/choosing menus.

Well done to your DD for being so polite, I think you should have been more forceful about where she sat but understand its so hard as you wouldn't want to cause a scene on your mums special birthday.

I don't think I would be able to not say something to him after the event to make sure he knows how out of order he was! Maybe next time you can organise the tables together to avoid him doing something like this.

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