to not understand why man get slated for dumping a pregnant woman?

(127 Posts)
TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:21:49

If a pregnant lady broke up with the father it's fine but if a bloke breaks up with pregnant girlfriend/wife then they are torn apart. Everyone shouts how they are abandoning their unborn child. I don't get this. I mean, i do if they do a runner and are never seen again but if it is an amicable break up.

If you fall out of love with someone, surely the right thing to do is to tell them straight away, try and work things out instead of fake a loving relationship for 9 months?

This has happened to my friend. Him and his DW have 1DD. Decide to try for another. Five months into pregnancy they have split up. Everyone is saying how he has got her pregnant and is now acting like a child. But they both decided to try for a baby, plenty of women decide not to stay with the father mid-pregnancy, so why can't he? Would it be better if he just stayed with her? I've made him sound like a dick but he is a great chap. No one chooses to fall out of love with someone and he is very upset about breaking up the family.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:22:32

I don't think I've out what i meant into words properly at all sad.

MidnightMasquerader Mon 14-Jan-13 02:27:02

Well, presumably a pregnant woman choosing to break up with a partner has weighed things up and decided that she'd be better off and happier by herself and has the means and wherewithal to do just that.

A pregnant woman who has not reached that decision, but has had it forced on her is a different kettle of fish entirely. She's in a very vulnerable position, without support and potentially without much, if any, of an income for some time.

That seems fairly obvious to me... hmm

However, if a man dumps a pregnant woman and it's an amicable split, then that's another thing entirely, and no one party should come in for any more flack that the other.

I guess it's a matter of figuring out which of these scenarios applies to the situation.........

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:29:43

But thats the thing i don't get. Are pregnant women really so feeble and vulnerable that they need a man to stay with them. They can have the support but without the relationship. Well a different relationship.

PictureMeInThese Mon 14-Jan-13 02:30:19

Oh dear, I'd have thought that was quite obvious?

I don't understand why 2 people who decide to have a baby together fall 'out of love' so quickly confused

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:31:44

Well yes, in a perfect world people would only ever have babies with life long partner but that doesn't happen all that much.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:34:13

I really am crap at expressing myself. Of course the guy should be slated if he goes off and leaves pregnant lady, not bothering with baby stuff. But if they are there as support, surely that is okay?

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Mon 14-Jan-13 02:40:13

er, Tiny Dancing, have you done the early weeks months witha baby?

Firstly financially, is he is prepared to give the same financial support to the household as the woman was led to expect when she got pregnant? So did they plan a year of mat leave, or whatever they had first time? Will he pay all the bills for that time, as well as his new place? If yes then great, if no, then he is leaving her high and dry at a point where her ability to earn an income to cover increased costs is very low.

PictureMeInThese Mon 14-Jan-13 02:40:40

So all the hurt he causes is OK if he still lends his 'support'?

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:45:01

So once a couple gets pregnant the only person allowed to end the relationship is the woman? When any relationship ends it hurts but are you all saying you would prefer a man to pretend his way through the whole thing then be honest?

Booyhoo Mon 14-Jan-13 02:45:44

yes being pregnant is quite a vulnerable stage for a woman. if a woman chooses to end her relationship, she clearly feels that whatever situation that leaves her in, she can cope with it but someone who is left suddenly on her own, either whilst pregnant or on maternity leave is very vulnerable, both financially and emotionally. i dont wish to call up an old cliches but cliches exist for a reason and the fact is that alot of women are in a very emotional place whilst pregnant, many need at this point more than ever to feel secure so that they know their dcs will have a secure home/life. to suddenly shatter this is very hard to deal with.

i come from this as someone who ended a relationship whilst pregnant and whilst being the right thing to do, it was not an easy one and i was very afraid of being alone and being a new mother. i still needed security but i couldn't have it and it was a very hard time. even though it was my choice. i cant imagine how hard it must be for women who have had the choice taken from them.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:48:12

In friends case, he has moved into the garage and is still doing school run and bedtime with his DD as his ex wife is the main earner whilst he works from home. Though he owns the house so i have no idea what their plans are but he does want to be just as involved with new baby.

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Mon 14-Jan-13 02:51:23

Sorry,posted too soon.

Then in terms of other support, how many threads on here advise new mums to accept "every offer of help you get"? Every thread, book, magazine you read. There is a reason for this! It's fucking hard work and an extra pair of hands around from 6pm to 6am is desperately needed.

Pregnant Women who leave men are very rarely "falling out of love". They are leaving a man who would make it harder to cope with a new baby.

So yes,pregnant women ARE very vulnerable.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:53:00

No think no babies here. I find pregnancy terrifying, but that is my own issue.

Booyhoo Mon 14-Jan-13 02:54:41

ye sin my case i was still very much in love (stupidly) with my ex, but i just could not have coped with what he was doing whilst trying to care for a new baby, or even a child of any age. he would have made my life harder not easier.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 02:57:50

That doesn't sound very fun boo.

Booyhoo Mon 14-Jan-13 02:59:59

no it wasn't. we were both very young and he just didn't want to grow up. i had no choice but to grow up and had to make a tough decision.

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 03:00:13

Do you think that is why a lot of women stay with abusive men? For the extra pair of hands/ they are so scared of being alone and pregnant?

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 03:00:43

Sorry that was to think

TinyDancingHoofer Mon 14-Jan-13 03:03:29

I suppose i've been thinking of people in different situations than yours. Thanks for sharing though it made me think.

Actually Tiny I agree with you. Men shouldn't be vilified for no longer wanting to be in a relationship provided they are not running away from their responsibility as a father. I get what pp are saying with regards to the associated costs etc of maternity leave etc but that shouldn't mean that someone should stay in a relationship they are unhappy in but they shouldn't leave the woman in the lurch financially.

kirrinIsland Mon 14-Jan-13 03:36:51

But it's not just financially is it?
I have a newborn and it is absolutely exhausting, and I have DP to look after my toddler and do some housework and generally pick up the slack. The idea of being up all night and then doing everything that needs doing all day is terrifying - I don't know how people do it sad

I'm not saying that people should stay in a miserable relationship regardless, but her DP can't offer the same support as he could if he was actually there, she is vulnerable and his timing is lousy. And do people really just 'fall out of love' with someone, just like that, and then tell them immediately? So this guy hasn't been having doubts about this relationship for a while? He's just made a snap decision to leave?

And as for "they both decided to have a baby' - my DP and I both decided to have a baby. If I thought he'd up sticks and leave half way through the pregnancy I'd make a different decision. Of course, nothing is guaranteed, but presumably she made that decision around being part of a loving stable relationship.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 14-Jan-13 03:49:47

Because you are vulnerable emotionally, financially, physically. You do ot think entirely clearly while pregnant.
Because being pregnant is emotionally draining esp if you have other kids and a big fat mum tum from the first time. You never get enough rest the second time around. Noe imagine AFTER its born...jesus
Because regardless of marital status, or state of relationship, walking away is not exactly GALLANT, now, is it?

(CAVEAT. unless you are a TOTAL bastard. my husband deserves a medal for the shit he pus up with from me at the moment. Im amazed hes NOT run off.)

PiccadillyCervix Mon 14-Jan-13 04:05:40

Because no one is saying men have to stay with their partners forever but they don't need to be so selfish as to leave a woman alone in one of the most emotionally and physically vulnerable times in her life because they fancy being their own right that second. Also you can't be an equal parent with the mother for the first 6 months or so if you dont live with her. Its impossible. So by leaving a man has said well... Sucks to be you. Enjoy the sleepless nights with the baby and not being able to tie your own shoes when your nine months pregnant. Oh and going through labour and birth on your own. Because he isn't decent enough to put his own needs on hold until after the worst is over. If a woman chooses to take it all on her self fair enough, there's probably a dammed good reason for it to.

HollyBerryBush Mon 14-Jan-13 04:32:53

Well 9 times out of 10, if a relationship fails 5 months into a pregnancy either

(a) the pregnancy was unplanned
(b) it was a last ditch attempt to repair a failing relationship that was destined to fail anyway.

better off on your own than knowing someone has emotionally withdrawn and sticking around out of pity or social conscience.

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