To be fuming at DP because I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed?

(90 Posts)
BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 01:41:07

I've just stopped smoking and I'm having trouble getting to sleep. I can only nod off if I have the TV or radio on. I can't fall asleep with earphones as the they are uncomfortable.

DP is a light sleeper and he has to turn the TV or radio off. He always does this just as I'm drifting off, so then I wake up and I have to go and sleep downstairs. By then I'm pissed off and I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I'm not getting to sleep until 5:00am. Once again I'm on the bloody sofa and wide awake. I'm so pissed off. Apparently he can't sleep on the sofa, because he is a light sleeper. I can't get to sleep now because I'm really angry. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow and I'm the one who has got to get up in the morning. He's even got a day off tomorrow, cheeky fucker.

To be fair, he is a light sleeper. You can't even fart without waking him up. If it's not the TV or radio he moans about me fidgeting, snoring, talking in my sleep and I end up having to sleep on the bloody sofa. Apparently I have to sleep on the sofa because I'm short and I'm a heavy sleeper once I've drifted off. hmm

I'm honestly worried that this could potentially break our relationship. I've slept on this bloody sofa every 'school night' for ages and I'm very, very resentful. I actually miss my bed. He's a nice bloke in most respects, but I feel this is taking the piss.

AIBU to be fuming about this? I just want to be able to drift off in the most comfortable way in my own bed. Arghhh!

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 17:45:28

purrpurr DP is generally very laid back and a nice bloke. I think he expects the special treatment because of his issues with sleep. I don't want him to go to sleep every night whilst I have the radio on. However, he has a kingsize bed, with a new memory foam matress to himself and I'm on the sofa. This is what peeves me the most about things.

And yes, I literally have woken him up by farting on a few occasions. blush

I slept today (in the bed - yay!), so I'm not working tonight, through the night. This means that I'll be sleeping in the bed tomorrow during the day. smile The nature of my work means that I'll have Skype meetings from time to time with people from different time zones, so my working day is all over the place and I keep funny hours anyway.

I thought about you last night Freddie. Dh was snoring like a fog horn, I got so annoyed I shouted at him "turn over" and I was shocked to find he did it, in his sleep LOL. So I didn't have to leave the room. I hope you got some sleep too.

There's lots of comments about you needing the TV on not being normally and BU. but I think his level of light sleeping isn't normal. So even when you don't have any tv on and you're asleep, you moving in bed or farting (?!) will wake him? Even with his ear plugs in? See I don't think that's normal and him waking you and making you go downstairs because of his light sleeping isn't fair. In this situation HIBU.

Also, why can't you nap today just because he's off work? If you're tired just go to bed whether he thinks you should nap or not

StuntGirl Mon 14-Jan-13 11:30:16

Her husband is being equally unreasonable as even when there's no tv or radio on, and despite wearing ear plugs he still thinks she's making too much noise and she's relegated to the sofa. Ridiculous. I would never see my partner sleeping on the sofa every night, its just ridiculous.

Since you have the space OP I would turn the other room into your bedroom. Get a comfy proper bed. His solution to your non-compatible sleeping habits is to have you sleep on the sofa every night? Bollocks to that quite frankly!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 10:35:50

Why not get a futon? Folds up but more comfortable than a sofa bed.

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 10:29:22

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:20
You need to sort out your rooms. You obviously need separate rooms because of your completely polar opposite requirements for sleep and you are putting barriers up as to why you can't do this.

I can understand not sleeping in your office, that makes sense. But what about this "back room" that gets chilly? Either move your office into it, or sort out the "getting chilly" part and use that one. And don't faff around with a sofa bed, get a proper bloody bed!

This. You have a practical problem. Don't make it emotional.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Mon 14-Jan-13 10:24:29

Congratulations on giving up smoking smile

Agree that what you actually need is separate bedrooms as you are so different.

But I would also urge you not to get hooked on tv/radio to fall asleep. It may cause you long term health problems by interfering with the quality of your sleep.

My DMV started doing this when she was menopausal and it's fucked up her sleep ever since, contributing to other problems.

Maybe speak to your GP or look at relaxation/meditation etc. Sorry I don't have a huge amount of advice on that.

Again well done on giving up smoking, keep it up.

Jins Mon 14-Jan-13 10:21:48

I had the soundasleep pillow as well but as it's not washable I now have something similar to this

www.johnlewis.com/230519298/Product.aspx?s_kwcid=ppc_pla&tmad=c&tmcampid=73&pup_ptid={adwords_producttargetid&pup_kw={keyword}&pup_c={adtype}}

Is he being an arse because he works out of the home whereas you work at home and can possibly nap in the day?

Just trying to figure out why he's so opposed to a reasonable solution. It's weird.

TheCatIsEatingIt Mon 14-Jan-13 10:10:20

If it's just become a problem since giving up smoking, it's temporary, so there's no point in spending a lot of money doing up the back room. Those speaker pillows are quite good - DH has one and I can't hear it at all.

We're in a similar situation at the moment. I've had a filthy cold and have taken up snoring, so as it's me causing the problem I've decamped to the spare bed. Fine so far, except that the spare bed belongs to a friend and he needs it back tomorrow. I'll be on the not-ever-so-comfy sofa bed until I stop snoring. It won't be forever.

purrpurr Mon 14-Jan-13 10:04:54

OP, for someone giving up smoking, I think you're being delightfully reasonable.

I think your other half is being rather obstructive. Yes, it's not normal to need a tv/radio on to sleep, blah blah blah, okay, we've covered that. The important bit for me is that HE'S not normal for waking you up if you fidget or make any noise whatsoever in your sleep, he's a selfish twat for doing that to you. I'd go ape if my husband woke me up. In fact, the only time my husband wakes me up is when I'm clearly distressed and having a nightmare, where he'll rock the bed a bit to disturb me so I come round. If I am proper upset, he'll give me cuddles, but if I 'self settle' and go back to sleep, so does he. This is what nice people do.

So, in my view, your other half is being horrendously unreasonable in feeling like he has the right to wake you up if you are disturbing his sleep. The more mature response would be to quietly go off elsewhere to sleep. He will not do this. It's almost like he believes he is more important than you. Is there any truth in this? Is this why he would not be quiet during the day so you could nap?

Who would be paying for a new bed for the spare room to provide a much better sleeping solution for you - would this come from joint expenditure or from personal savings? I know if my DH ever goes all 1950s on me and 'puts his foot down' I just reach for my little personal savings bundle and get what I wanted to get anyway. I'm probably lucky in that situation, but I refuse to let anyone else dictate to me how money will be spent - especially if it's joint. Joint money, joint decision.

Thumbwitch Mon 14-Jan-13 10:03:20

You need to sort out your rooms. You obviously need separate rooms because of your completely polar opposite requirements for sleep and you are putting barriers up as to why you can't do this.

I can understand not sleeping in your office, that makes sense. But what about this "back room" that gets chilly? Either move your office into it, or sort out the "getting chilly" part and use that one. And don't faff around with a sofa bed, get a proper bloody bed!

DH and I sleep in separate rooms and have done since DS1 was born. I much prefer it that way because he kicks, farts, has "episodes" (waking dreams, like sleepwalking without the walking), prefers to sleep under just a duvet (I prefer sheet, blanket and duvet) and generally keeps me awake. He also likes a much softer bed than I do (and yes I know you can get individual sides of the bed done to different softness but that doesn't alter the other problems). I also like to read in bed to put myself to sleep - the light keeps him awake. So we sleep separately and everyone is happier that way. I have my own double bed (just as well now DS2 is here and I'm co-sleeping with him, as I did with DS1). Why not?

trice Mon 14-Jan-13 10:01:46
trice Mon 14-Jan-13 10:01:08

I have a pillow with speakers in it. It is not entirely silent to dh but better than headphones.

Jayne266 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:59:36

My husband is the same he can't sleep without a tv then falls a sleep with it on so I can't sleep. Am sorry I can't sympathise with you it was so annoying and rude. The tricks we found that helped was
1) if really tired he would go to be half a hour before me so I would turn the tv off so I could go to sleep.
2) watch the tv on his phone with volume very low
3) he has now taken to reading which now sends him to sleep.

Am sorry your not getting much sleep but it is something you can sort out. Sleeping on the coach at any point in a relationship is not a long term solution. Good luck smile

I don't think it's fair to expect your dh to sleep with the radio or TV on, but what's his problem with a sofabed in the back room? If that is what is necessary to ensure a good nights sleep for both of you then so be it.

DoubleMum Mon 14-Jan-13 09:50:18

I would absolutely not be able to sleep with TV or radio on so I can see where your DP is coming from TBH.

EggRules Mon 14-Jan-13 09:46:32

Her DH is a light sleeper (HIS problem). He also is off work today and OP is working; he refused to sleep elsewhere (HIS problem).

I would find the TV/radio intolerable. The OP needs to have somewhere comfortable to sleep.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 09:46:29

DeepRedBetty. I don't think the withdrawl is helping any!

PuppyMonkey Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:20

I think instead of faffing around sorting out the spare room, you could spend some time investigating relaxation and meditation techniques so you don't need a TV or radio on to fall asleep.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:09

Does your telly have a sleep timer on it, so you can set when the telly goes off?

sparkle12mar08 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:43:59

I sympathise with all parties in this situation I really do. I've had chronic insomnia for 14 years now so I know what it's like to be so dog tired that you don't even know your own name, to get by on three hours or less for a fortnight at a time. I get it OP, I really do. But I also have to say that I think it's not normal to need a tv/radio on whilst sleeping and that the person that needs it should be the one to sleep elsewhere. If you were able to undertake some proper sleep training with a consultant you might be able to wean yourself of it but I suspect appointments like that are few and far between and would probably need private insurance.

But your dh is being obstructive by blocking your attempts to get the spare room sorted, and indeed is hampering his own comfort by doing so. He may not want to spend the money, but try sitting down again tonight and having a calm discussion. This isn't just for your benefit, you are aware of how your needs disturb him. You don't particularly want to sleep apart - he's your husband! - but at this rate it really is nibbling away at your marriage night by night.

You both need to get some proper sleep and a sofa bed in the spare room is the perfect way of doing this. Don't give up, keep talking, keep it open.

DeepRedBetty Mon 14-Jan-13 09:43:08

Look, you're in the throes of withdrawal from smoking. Which makes all of us grumpy when you do it <bitter experience>. Frankly you're being unreasonable.

McBalls Mon 14-Jan-13 09:42:43

I think you need to shop around til you find some earphones you wear falling asleep.

DP is not in the wrong here, you're the one with sleep issues and its weird how you're so angry at him for not making sacrifices so that a) you get everything your own way and b) he is the one losing sleep, not you.

EggRules Mon 14-Jan-13 09:42:23

Some people (like my DH) need ambient noise to sleep. I couldn't sleep in a room with the TV or radio on. I like a quiet, dark room. We both snore when overtired - me when I first go to sleep and him in the early hours. I also talk in my sleep; he twitches. My snoring is a relatively new thing and he got really annoyed at first. We both do things to annoy each other and I would LOVE us both to have our own rooms. We don't have the space but we are lucky to have a sofabed in the spare room.

We compromise by both sleeping in the spare bed. He can sleep in, but can't nap. I wake early every day and so 99% of the time I get up with DS. At weekends if I am tired, I go for a guilt free nap in the afternoon. If DH was off work, he would move.

It isn't your problem - I agree you have different sleep needs and habits. If you need a nap today, have one. In the medium term, you need to have somewhere to sleep that is as comfortable as you are in now.

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