To be fuming at DP because I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed?

(90 Posts)
BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 01:41:07

I've just stopped smoking and I'm having trouble getting to sleep. I can only nod off if I have the TV or radio on. I can't fall asleep with earphones as the they are uncomfortable.

DP is a light sleeper and he has to turn the TV or radio off. He always does this just as I'm drifting off, so then I wake up and I have to go and sleep downstairs. By then I'm pissed off and I can't get back to sleep. Sometimes I'm not getting to sleep until 5:00am. Once again I'm on the bloody sofa and wide awake. I'm so pissed off. Apparently he can't sleep on the sofa, because he is a light sleeper. I can't get to sleep now because I'm really angry. I've got a lot of work to do tomorrow and I'm the one who has got to get up in the morning. He's even got a day off tomorrow, cheeky fucker.

To be fair, he is a light sleeper. You can't even fart without waking him up. If it's not the TV or radio he moans about me fidgeting, snoring, talking in my sleep and I end up having to sleep on the bloody sofa. Apparently I have to sleep on the sofa because I'm short and I'm a heavy sleeper once I've drifted off. hmm

I'm honestly worried that this could potentially break our relationship. I've slept on this bloody sofa every 'school night' for ages and I'm very, very resentful. I actually miss my bed. He's a nice bloke in most respects, but I feel this is taking the piss.

AIBU to be fuming about this? I just want to be able to drift off in the most comfortable way in my own bed. Arghhh!

trixymalixy Mon 14-Jan-13 08:44:50

Sleeping with the TV or radio on isn't that normal. I agree with wosester.

Trifle Mon 14-Jan-13 08:47:40

I;m astonished at the number of people saying your DP is being unreasonable.

I;ve never heard of anyone giving up smoking then needing to have the radio/tv on to get to sleep.

It seems to me you've got yourself in a catch 22. You;ve convinced yourself you cannot sleep without some noise so stomp about to the sofa then lie there resentful.

Your DP has done nothing wrong and I cannot see any reason why he should accommodate such nonsense.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 14-Jan-13 08:56:14

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable tbh, but neither of you is being very sympathetic or accommodating of the other's needs. Separate bedrooms sounds like a really good solution; it doesn't need to jeopardise the relationship if you make sure you keep the communication and intimacy up. Sleeping next to each other is nice but it's not the be all and end all.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 09:00:10

"It seems to me you've got yourself in a catch 22. You;ve convinced yourself you cannot sleep without some noise so stomp about to the sofa then lie there resentful."

Actually insomnia is very common when people quit smoking. However, if it's not that DP elbows me awake because I am doing something annoying, so I end up stomping off resentfully to the sofa.

I seriously think this is a deal breaker. It's not my fault if I snore, move or make noises in my sleep. Yes the TV and radio is different, but I'm seriously thinking of moving out, because I'm so pissed off that our sleeping arrangements have to revolve arround what he wants.

trixymalixy Mon 14-Jan-13 09:06:41

So instead he has to never get any sleep hmm. You're the one disturbing him.

Theas18 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:07:20

earphones or one of those pillow speakers should do it. DH sleeps with 1 earphone in his upper ear !

Trouble is you NEED the noise on he NEEDS quiet. If you are going to sleep in the same room/bed you need a compromise.

Trifle Mon 14-Jan-13 09:07:55

'His sleeping arrangements have to revolve round what he wants'.

No they dont, you want them to revolve round what you want and what you want is unreasonable.

You are exhausted today, so don't make any drastic decisions about moving out or anything! Best not to even talk about things with DP today.

I don't think anything regarding sleep should be called 'normal' or not really, but I do think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to sleep through having the TV or radio on. I wear earplugs and no they don't block everything.

You both need to step back and realise that neither of you is wrong you are just unfortunate to have very different sleep needs.

I'm not sure why you're so upset tbh as it seems to me you have a great option in turning the back room into your sleeping room. I would kill for that! You don't need to argue with your DP, just go ahead with your plan for the room.

I would also strongly recommend the Paul McKenna book, I Can Make You Sleep. DH and i both read it when we were on our knees from sleep deprivation and it helped sooooo much. It's really good for your situation in particular, when you can't sleep because you're angry and frustrated.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 09:18:57

I don't expect DP to sleep through the TV or radio, but I would like to be able to sleep in my own bed when I have work the following day. For some reason he thinks that I am comfortable on the sofa because I'm shorter than him. This is bollocks, because I'm not, otherwise Ii would be able to get a decent night's sleep on there.

As I said before, this often happens regardless of whether the TV or radio is on, because I'll be moving in my sleep, snoring or I might mumble stuff. Then he wakes me up and I have to go downstairs, where I can't sleep.

I said about the sofa bed in the back room earlier and he started having a go at me! One, because he doesn't want to spend the money and also because he thinks I'm being all melodramatic about it. Apparently I'm being selfish by telling him we need to get a sofa bed so I can sleep downstairs. Clearly, because I'm the one who has been sleeping on the bloody sofa. WTAF!? hmm

Time to get on with work now after my 2 hours of sleep. sad

Trills Mon 14-Jan-13 09:22:14

If one person needs a TV or radio on in order to sleep and the other needs it off in order to sleep, the one who wants the TV on is the one being unreasonable.

NewYearNewNagoo Mon 14-Jan-13 09:30:53

I see someone suggested the speaker pillow.

I am sorry but it isn't normal to have the TV on to get to sleep. You are being unreasonable, and it should be you that moves out of the bedroom if you want noise. Bedrooms are for sleeping in, living rooms are for watching/ listening to telly in. So if you need the tv, you should be in the living room. There is no way you should be chucking him out of the bedroom because you have insomnia.

I do have sympathy for you, and I understand that sleep deprivation is HIDEOUS, but you can't make your problem his problem, and you are unreasonable to get angry with him about it.

QuickLookBusy Mon 14-Jan-13 09:32:39

Look OP, your exhausted, just try to get through today without murdering your DH but tell him you want a good talk tonight.

Something needs to change. IMO a sofa bed in your spare room sounds a good option. If your DH isn't happy with it, tell him he can sleep on the sofa in your sitting room, as you aren't prepared to do it anymore.

Tbh if you still can't agree, I would refuse to go and sleep on your sofa. Just stay in your bed and he might get the message that something has to change.

He can't expect you to leave your bed, then tell you you can't have a nice comfortable bed to sleep in. He can't have it both ways!

QuickLookBusy Mon 14-Jan-13 09:33:03

You're

maddening Mon 14-Jan-13 09:35:37

Aerobeds are v comfy and come with a built in electric pump - goes up in 2 mins.

Okay well he's being a real twat about that one.

A sofa bed in the back room solves most of your problems really. Why on earth would he be against it?

Get one that both of you can sleep on and then you can take turns even, so he can sleep on it when he doesn't have to work the next day.

But it sounds to me like he is stuck in this idea that he is normal and you are not, therefore you must suffer. That's really unfair. You just have different needs.

Is this how he normally is? Or do you think you are butting heads because you're both exhausted?

Also, why can't you take a nap if he's home today? Can he really not be quiet for a while?

EggRules Mon 14-Jan-13 09:42:23

Some people (like my DH) need ambient noise to sleep. I couldn't sleep in a room with the TV or radio on. I like a quiet, dark room. We both snore when overtired - me when I first go to sleep and him in the early hours. I also talk in my sleep; he twitches. My snoring is a relatively new thing and he got really annoyed at first. We both do things to annoy each other and I would LOVE us both to have our own rooms. We don't have the space but we are lucky to have a sofabed in the spare room.

We compromise by both sleeping in the spare bed. He can sleep in, but can't nap. I wake early every day and so 99% of the time I get up with DS. At weekends if I am tired, I go for a guilt free nap in the afternoon. If DH was off work, he would move.

It isn't your problem - I agree you have different sleep needs and habits. If you need a nap today, have one. In the medium term, you need to have somewhere to sleep that is as comfortable as you are in now.

McBalls Mon 14-Jan-13 09:42:43

I think you need to shop around til you find some earphones you wear falling asleep.

DP is not in the wrong here, you're the one with sleep issues and its weird how you're so angry at him for not making sacrifices so that a) you get everything your own way and b) he is the one losing sleep, not you.

DeepRedBetty Mon 14-Jan-13 09:43:08

Look, you're in the throes of withdrawal from smoking. Which makes all of us grumpy when you do it <bitter experience>. Frankly you're being unreasonable.

sparkle12mar08 Mon 14-Jan-13 09:43:59

I sympathise with all parties in this situation I really do. I've had chronic insomnia for 14 years now so I know what it's like to be so dog tired that you don't even know your own name, to get by on three hours or less for a fortnight at a time. I get it OP, I really do. But I also have to say that I think it's not normal to need a tv/radio on whilst sleeping and that the person that needs it should be the one to sleep elsewhere. If you were able to undertake some proper sleep training with a consultant you might be able to wean yourself of it but I suspect appointments like that are few and far between and would probably need private insurance.

But your dh is being obstructive by blocking your attempts to get the spare room sorted, and indeed is hampering his own comfort by doing so. He may not want to spend the money, but try sitting down again tonight and having a calm discussion. This isn't just for your benefit, you are aware of how your needs disturb him. You don't particularly want to sleep apart - he's your husband! - but at this rate it really is nibbling away at your marriage night by night.

You both need to get some proper sleep and a sofa bed in the spare room is the perfect way of doing this. Don't give up, keep talking, keep it open.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:09

Does your telly have a sleep timer on it, so you can set when the telly goes off?

PuppyMonkey Mon 14-Jan-13 09:45:20

I think instead of faffing around sorting out the spare room, you could spend some time investigating relaxation and meditation techniques so you don't need a TV or radio on to fall asleep.

BunFagFreddie Mon 14-Jan-13 09:46:29

DeepRedBetty. I don't think the withdrawl is helping any!

EggRules Mon 14-Jan-13 09:46:32

Her DH is a light sleeper (HIS problem). He also is off work today and OP is working; he refused to sleep elsewhere (HIS problem).

I would find the TV/radio intolerable. The OP needs to have somewhere comfortable to sleep.

DoubleMum Mon 14-Jan-13 09:50:18

I would absolutely not be able to sleep with TV or radio on so I can see where your DP is coming from TBH.

I don't think it's fair to expect your dh to sleep with the radio or TV on, but what's his problem with a sofabed in the back room? If that is what is necessary to ensure a good nights sleep for both of you then so be it.

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