to not tell my friend I have slept with him?

(65 Posts)
mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:29:43

Hi

Basically my best friend split with her dp a good few weeks ago. We have a mutual friend (il call X)that she told me she was getting close to, phone calls, dates etc.

The only thing is, years ago me and X had a bit of a fling. Nothing came of it, I have a family now. But should I tell my best friend? She called me earlier to tell me things have 'notched up a level' and that they are planning to a spend a night together soon.

I dont want to tell her and be at risk of sounding sour grapes and being jealous because im really not, its all in the past and im so happy and dont want anything to jeopardise that. But I suppose im also worried if things get any more serious my friend would question why I didnt tell her right at the beginning? Im so confused! What would you do in my situation?

ENormaSnob Tue 15-Jan-13 11:26:24

Oh gosh I think it's a tough one tbh.

I would be beyond livid if I found out dh had shagged one of my mates before we got together and I never knew.

In fact, I don't think I could even have a relationship with anyone that had shagged a mate.

mixedupmary Tue 15-Jan-13 10:20:38

Thankyou for the replies, I have decided not to tell her. Its in the past and its private, I dont want to risk upsetting my friend if I dont have to.

If it ever does come out il just explain my reasons, that it was that long ago, it meant nothing and didnt think it was appropriate to bring up.

ICouldBeYou Tue 15-Jan-13 10:04:26

I don't get what the benefits are at all of telling her confused. It strikes me as a bit 'been there, done that' tbh.

If you were a true friend, I would understand your motives in letting it lie far easier than the 'upfront and honest'.

How do you even start that conversation?!

SophisticatedFury Tue 15-Jan-13 09:51:25

I wouldn't say anything. If it happened years ago - way before she was on the scene then personally she has no right to be upset. If he mentions something and she then asks why you didn't say anything, just explain that it was years ago and you didn't feel the need to say anything as it's well in the past.

To be honest, you are going to look a bit weird if you tell her. She might think that he still means a lot to you, that the sex meant a lot to you (but this does not seem to be the case) or that you are trying to meddle in their relationship.

I cannot really see why you would tell her. And if he tells her in future, which he might as he is the one who seem to be building a relationship with her, not you, then you can just say, if asked "Oh gosh, that was years ago, it did not matter then and it does not matter now". And if she asks why you did not tell her, the reasonable answer is "I did not think it mattered, it was so long ago, and we are just friends, hardly that even. I did not tell you because it would seem odd to do so, I guess I thought you would question my motives"

Or something to that effect.

MerryMarigold Tue 15-Jan-13 09:44:58

I guess you need to figure out your friend. There is no right and wrong...is she the kind of person who would be upset and think you witheld it for a reason? Or is she the kind of person who would think: why you telling me this now? Only you know her, and from this thread it's clear that there's (at least) 2 kinds of people out there. People who would want to know, and people who wouldn't feel it was any of their business and would think it strange that you've brought it up.

I don't think it's any of her business, it's your past not hers. Wouldn't give it another thought.

QueenofPlaids Mon 14-Jan-13 20:11:33

If she does find out and if this does bother her, could you say oh didn't mention because you assumed she knew and didn't think it was important?

Reckon I'd find it a bit odd if I mentioned to a friend I was getting serious with someone and she piped up with:

'Oh him, yeah, I shagged him once!' grin

Bunbaker Mon 14-Jan-13 20:04:16

But I still don't get why anyone needs to tell her. Is this a modern thing that your partner knows who all your ex partners are? It is in the past - neither you nor your ex flame need to tell her. What would it achieve?

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 18:37:01

Seemed

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 18:36:08

cumfy its not been kept a secret, just never been brought up. X is not a close friend just a mutual one. We have never discussed our sex lives to the point of knowing exactly who the other has slept with. I think it never got mentioned at the time because it never seem a big deal.

BumBiscuits Mon 14-Jan-13 18:20:09

Oh you never know, you'll tell her then she may confess she humped your current dp light years ago, then everyone will be equal and happy!

The same thing happened to me and I didn't tell. If she finds out from him and asks you, you could pretend you'd forgotten all about it.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 14-Jan-13 18:09:32

I would:, "it's lovely that you and X are getting serious. Just to get it out of the way, I should tell you that I had a very brief fling with him many years ago, and although it's absolutely in the past I felt a bit weird knowing something you didn't, and in your place I wouldn't like to think we'd been keeping a secret."

But that's probably down to my hang ups about people knowing things I don't.

cumfy Mon 14-Jan-13 17:58:06

How come it's remained a "secret" if all 3 of you are mutual friends ?

mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 17:31:22

Thankyou everybody for taking your time to give me your opinions, its helps to see things from different perpectives. I am seeing said friend at the weekend so ive got some time to think about what to do.

Kalisi Mon 14-Jan-13 15:23:36

I would most definately tell her. Not saying something would make it a big deal. You're best friends, you're adults, you've moved on, it's nothing. If it comes out later it could be something so just come out with it. Also loving the sperm sisters line. Make a joke of it and then don't bring it up again.

manicinsomniac Mon 14-Jan-13 14:56:03

I thought this was going to be a thread about you having slept with a male friend who didn't remember doing it!

I don't think there is any need to tell her now unless it comes up.

ethelb Mon 14-Jan-13 14:55:02

will x tell her? And how do you think she will react to you not tell her when x does?

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:44

I would tell her just incase he did and then she might be upset that you didn't.

Mind you, I'd play it right down as if it was 'nothing'.

Crawling Mon 14-Jan-13 14:46:16

Another vote for don't tell her it would make me feel like your marking your territory.

CotedePablo Mon 14-Jan-13 14:36:22

It's really none of your friend's business. I don't see any reason whatsoever why she needs to know. Assuming you all live in the same town/area, socialise in the same circles, etc, I should think there's always that small chance that this could happen.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 13:12:17

I wouldnt say either, if its history leave it there, if she founds out and asks, tell her that its history and meant nothing, so it werent worth mentioning.

Sallyingforth Mon 14-Jan-13 13:07:33

Another vote for not saying.
Let the two of them decide whether or not they want to get together, without you possibly influencing their early relationship.
Give X the chance to tell her now if he wants to.

WeAreEternal Mon 14-Jan-13 13:04:16

It is entirely up to you, but I have experience of being in X’s position and IMO you should tell her.

I started seeing someone, quite casually, my friend didn’t think it would go anywhere so didn’t say anything.
After a month or so I found out from the person that I was seeing as they assumed that my close friend had told me, I was devastated and really angry that my friend hadn’t told me.
I didn’t speak to my friend for a couple of months because I was so upset. The relationship fizzled out long before I forgave my friend.

We are fine now (we even joke about sleeping with the same person) but I wasn’t really upste that they had slept together it was that someone that I considered family didn’t tell me that it had happened. I would have thought it was a little weird but I wouldn’t have been so upset if they had been honest and just told me the truth in the beginning.

StinkyWicket Mon 14-Jan-13 12:53:46

I wouldn't tell her. It wouldn't matter how many times you denied it, it would always look a bit weird that you brought it up (IMO).

It's ancient history. If he brings it up to her in the future, and she asks you, just tell her the same - it's ancient history, why on earth would it bother her?!

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