to not tell my friend I have slept with him?

(65 Posts)
mixedupmary Mon 14-Jan-13 00:29:43

Hi

Basically my best friend split with her dp a good few weeks ago. We have a mutual friend (il call X)that she told me she was getting close to, phone calls, dates etc.

The only thing is, years ago me and X had a bit of a fling. Nothing came of it, I have a family now. But should I tell my best friend? She called me earlier to tell me things have 'notched up a level' and that they are planning to a spend a night together soon.

I dont want to tell her and be at risk of sounding sour grapes and being jealous because im really not, its all in the past and im so happy and dont want anything to jeopardise that. But I suppose im also worried if things get any more serious my friend would question why I didnt tell her right at the beginning? Im so confused! What would you do in my situation?

Diddydollydo Mon 14-Jan-13 07:01:20

Its totally irrelevant though isn't it? Why would anyone bring it up other than to shit stir? I snogged my brother in law when we were at school long before he got with my sister. Neither of us mentioned it because it wasn't important and knowing my sister, it would have upset her. (and it was just an adolescent song)

Chopstheduck Mon 14-Jan-13 07:04:35

It's def awkward! It would have been easier to drop it in when she first started seeing him really. But I think you do have to say something otherwise it is going to be very strained if it comes from him later on!

Just tell her the truth, it's all ancient history, but you just didn't want her to later find out from him and think you had deliberately kept it secret.

janey68 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:28:22

I don't think it's your place to tell her at all actually. He can tell her if he chooses- he's the one in a relationship with her and it's up to him to choose if/ when. It may be that he's already thinking about the timing and that if things are getting serious he will let her know just so it's I'm the open. After all, he is a mutual friend to the two of you so I'm sure it's crossed his mind already. Or he may decide its so long ago and unimportant that he won't say anything. His relationship, his call.

Tailtwister Mon 14-Jan-13 07:33:21

I wouldn't tell her. It was so long ago and your life has moved on.

usualsuspect Mon 14-Jan-13 07:36:15

Ancient history, I wouldn't say anything.

MrsSchadenfreude Mon 14-Jan-13 07:37:33

Embrace her warmly and say "Darling! I am so happy! This means we are now sperm sisters!"

gringrin

Fakebook Mon 14-Jan-13 07:41:53

One vote here for the "sperm sister" line. Short and sweet.

EMS23 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:41:54

I'd tell her. If it was me and I found out later on, I'd feel like you and the boyfriend had had a secret behind my back. If we'd been out together for a social occasion, I'd wonder if the two of you had spoken privately etc..

If you told me now, it wouldn't bother me, I'd continue with the relationship and be glad I knew.

Pseudo341 Mon 14-Jan-13 07:48:47

I'd definitely tell her. Just say it's obviously not an issue now but you feel she has a right to know. I'd definitely want to know in her position. If you're really such good friends it'll be a case of thanks for the info and you'll all move on.

Hyperballad Mon 14-Jan-13 07:50:14

Ha! Sperm sisters! smile

Yer I think I'd have to tell her now, it shouldn't be a big deal. But like someone else asks....why doesn't she know anyway? If me or my mates slept with a 'mutual friend' it would be high on the conversation agenda!

Bunbaker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:32:21

I simply don't understand the need to tell her. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but it's water under the bridge. Why would either of you need to discuss it with her?

MerryMarigold Mon 14-Jan-13 12:35:51

I think let it lie. It's between you and him. And it's over. If he ever tells her then I guess he's just out to hurt her. Why would it help her at all to know this?

I don't understand why you didn't mention it very casually when he was first brought into conversation?

If it is brought up now just say it seemed like a bit of non-information. Years ago, water under the bridge, etc.

ScarlettInSpace Mon 14-Jan-13 12:48:19

Personally I think there is a difference between deliberately keeping something secret & not mentioning something that is irrelevant.

If it is of no importance and it was years ago, why mention it? If he does mention it then as someone else said, just shrug off as 'so I did, goodness me, that's going back a bit!'

Can't see why he would mention it either tbh?

BouncyPenguin Mon 14-Jan-13 12:50:37

I would tell her. It probably won't have any affect on their relationship. But by not telling her you are jeapordising your friendship. X might tell her and then she might be hurt that you didn't tell her. Just tell her in the same way you have told us. Say it was no big deal and you have no agenda in telling her other than wanting to be honest with your friend. This is just one of those situations where honesty is the best policy. The fact that you are asking yourself the question means that you know it is right to tell her.

StinkyWicket Mon 14-Jan-13 12:53:46

I wouldn't tell her. It wouldn't matter how many times you denied it, it would always look a bit weird that you brought it up (IMO).

It's ancient history. If he brings it up to her in the future, and she asks you, just tell her the same - it's ancient history, why on earth would it bother her?!

WeAreEternal Mon 14-Jan-13 13:04:16

It is entirely up to you, but I have experience of being in X’s position and IMO you should tell her.

I started seeing someone, quite casually, my friend didn’t think it would go anywhere so didn’t say anything.
After a month or so I found out from the person that I was seeing as they assumed that my close friend had told me, I was devastated and really angry that my friend hadn’t told me.
I didn’t speak to my friend for a couple of months because I was so upset. The relationship fizzled out long before I forgave my friend.

We are fine now (we even joke about sleeping with the same person) but I wasn’t really upste that they had slept together it was that someone that I considered family didn’t tell me that it had happened. I would have thought it was a little weird but I wouldn’t have been so upset if they had been honest and just told me the truth in the beginning.

Sallyingforth Mon 14-Jan-13 13:07:33

Another vote for not saying.
Let the two of them decide whether or not they want to get together, without you possibly influencing their early relationship.
Give X the chance to tell her now if he wants to.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 14-Jan-13 13:12:17

I wouldnt say either, if its history leave it there, if she founds out and asks, tell her that its history and meant nothing, so it werent worth mentioning.

CotedePablo Mon 14-Jan-13 14:36:22

It's really none of your friend's business. I don't see any reason whatsoever why she needs to know. Assuming you all live in the same town/area, socialise in the same circles, etc, I should think there's always that small chance that this could happen.

Crawling Mon 14-Jan-13 14:46:16

Another vote for don't tell her it would make me feel like your marking your territory.

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:44

I would tell her just incase he did and then she might be upset that you didn't.

Mind you, I'd play it right down as if it was 'nothing'.

ethelb Mon 14-Jan-13 14:55:02

will x tell her? And how do you think she will react to you not tell her when x does?

manicinsomniac Mon 14-Jan-13 14:56:03

I thought this was going to be a thread about you having slept with a male friend who didn't remember doing it!

I don't think there is any need to tell her now unless it comes up.

Kalisi Mon 14-Jan-13 15:23:36

I would most definately tell her. Not saying something would make it a big deal. You're best friends, you're adults, you've moved on, it's nothing. If it comes out later it could be something so just come out with it. Also loving the sperm sisters line. Make a joke of it and then don't bring it up again.

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