To hate myself over this ?

(50 Posts)
JingleUpTheHighway Sun 13-Jan-13 21:23:05

DD1 is 3 , DD2 is 7 months .

DD1 is very trying lately . Everything is a battle or is a delay tactic - getting in the car seat ( the straps have to be just so ), getting dressed (she wants you to do this a certain way ), eating food - (she doesn't like the cheese she liked yesterday hmm ... And on and on and on it goes . I mean everything !

DD2 is teething and is cries the minute I stand up or leave the room .

Anyway , today I had enough . I was out dd2 in her highchair and gave DD1 her lunch and I sat down to eat my lunch too (first time I've ever had time but thought as kids were eating I could get something quick ).

So .... DD1 starts ... "I want some cheese ... Not that cheese . I don't like that cheese ". Followed by : "I want some juice "

Me: "ok well go and get a carton out of the cupboard " ; she knows where this is as she gets her snacks out of it .
DD1: "no I want you to do it " (as with everything else !)

Me: "you will have to wait mummy is eating dinner " - then all hell breaks lose !

DD1 starts screaming loud bursts of tantrum in my ear, crying , screaming, shouting whilst I'm trying to eat.

I gave up on my meal as I was getting so angry I couldn't eat it. I shouted at dd1 - cue more screaming in my flipping ear ! angry I have sensitive hearing and it's painful for me to hear these loud noises close up.

So I move dd1 away from me then she tries to start sitting on my knee etc - all the while screaming , crying etc.

Then she hit me. I am so sick of her hitting and kicking , it's driving me mad . Anyway , when she hit me , I took her hand and i smacked her hand then plonked her in time out and shut the door on her sad

By this point I was shaking with anger . DD2 was screaming to be out the highchair and it was chaos .

When I brought her out of time out she was so upset , but I was so angry I couldn't even look at her never mind comfort her . She had ruined the whole meal.

She then spent another 45 mins crying because her juice wasn't right .

I now feel like utter shit . I'm so angry with myself for losing control and smacking her hand and shouting at her .

I love her so much and I just feel so guilty . It's rare that I lose my temper but when I do , I can scream like a banshee and she gets upset then I feel like utter utter shite .

I'm prepared for a flaming . I just needed to get this off my chest .

Joiningthegang Sun 13-Jan-13 21:26:20

It happens, tomorrow is another day.

All sounds stressful, don't beat your self up x


mum382013 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:28:36

parenthood is hard sad we all snap sometimes, all parents has done this i promise. xxxxxx

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:28:51

i think 3 is a very trying age.

my dd is 15 years old now and wonderful - the only time she ever ever got a smack was at that age.
she kicked me and i smacked her bottom (on a nappy) but it shocked her - i have to say i have never smacked before or since but sometimes a short sharp shock is the only thing that has any impact - especially if you normally stay very calm.

dont feel guilty just try to not lose control again. sometimes smacking if out of anger is more for the parents benefit than the childs - and thats no message to send.

but let your self off - she sounds like she was being very trying and got a reaction - just not the one she wanted!

tomorrow is another day. She still loves you.

mum382013 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:29:18

all parents HAVE done this at one time or another xxx

Afritutu Sun 13-Jan-13 21:29:33

I have 2 almost identical ages, I feel your pain. Dd2 is actually an easy brilliant baby. Dd1 has suddenly become clingy nightmare devil child from hell, and has not been sleeping now for nearly 3 weeks (previously a good sleeper) and having horrendous tantrums (hardy any before now). I think it is a major case of jealously and anxiety. But I resent her for being so difficult and I know I shouldn't. I have shouted too, and it got me nowhere. I am exhausted and desperate. Sorry no advice, only sympathy and encouragement that this too shall pass.

throwinshapes Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:10

No flaming from me.
I have been through the same (my DDs are now 3.5 and 5.5) and I remember that first year of hell very well.
It's really hard. And even though I've not smacked I have come soooo close.
You are only human. And- as a mnetter once told me when I put up a similar post to this a couple of years ago- be kind to yourself.
Tomorrow is another day. Give DD1 a big hug when she wakes up and all will be forgotten gringrin

FifromN12 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:24

Please don't hate yourself for it... All I can say is they can be very tiring and stressful and even though we would give our life for them, they can push our buttons!! It's happened to me. I kept saying no to pulling the curtains as he could break them and injured himself.. He looks at me and does it. I put him in naught corner he says sorry then goes towards the TV with a stick... To scratch it.... I gave him a slap on the hand.. He was so shocked and I cried.. I didn't want him to see me so went to the bathroom I felt like the worst mother;(

BattlingFanjos Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:46

It happens. The fact that you are so upset by it shows its not regular or that you're happy with it. You really are only human. Tomorrow is a new day, we've all been there! Xxx

Be kinder to yourself - just reading that made me twitchy, let alone being on the receiving end!

I would have put her in time out the minute she first started screaming at the table. You have a lot more patience than me!

Perhaps try putting her in time out the minute she starts to flip rather than letting it escalate to a point where she starts hitting or you lose your temper? That might help. Waiting until she hit you showed her that everything prior to that, the screaming, crying, shouting, knee climbing was acceptable. If you want her to learn that none of that is appropriate then putting her in time out the minute she starts will show her she is not to behave like that.

If she normally escalates to hitting putting her in time out before she gets to that point should reduce the incidences of that too.

MrsDarylDixon Sun 13-Jan-13 21:34:08

No flaming from me either.

Sometimes it all gets a bit much. Please don't hate yourself.

baskingseals Sun 13-Jan-13 21:34:36

don't hate yourself, really don't. you lost it for one little instant. think of all the thousands and thousands of times you haven't lost it, and be proud of yourself for that.

is there any way you can have a bit of time away from them?

JingleUpTheHighway Sun 13-Jan-13 21:35:28


That's exactly why I feel so bad - because the smacking was because I lost control - it had no benefit whatsoever to dd sad

Then I told her not to hit hmm

It broke my heart when I realised what Id done as she was saying "ow mummy heart my fingers " sad

Why can't I handle things the way other people do ?!

Thank you for the kind replies .

Greensleeves Sun 13-Jan-13 21:38:10

Of course you shouldn't hate yourself, and your dd won't hate you either

BUT without wishing to make you feel worse, I do think you need to have a planned strategy for what you will do the next time you get this angry

I used to find when ds1 was littler that anger could build frighteningly quickly. I agreed with myself that if I felt the red mist starting to descend I would ensure that both children were physically safe, and then remove myself from the situation for a few minutes until the anger had subsided and I could think clearly. I was then able to go back into the situation and apply the boundaries properly, without feeling guilty about it afterwards.

Have a nice hot cup of tea and something to eat. The sky isn't going to fall in. You lost your temper - think about how you will deal with it next time, and move on.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:39:28

dont beat yourself up - honestly there cant be a parent alive that hasnt at some point lost it with their child. They know which buttons to press better than anyone else on the planet!

one little tap on the hand really wont scar her for life. i promise!

she wont even remember it!

Greensleeves Sun 13-Jan-13 21:39:31

oh and "other people" are not all they are cracked up to be. WE are "other people", and we can all think of cock-ups we have made. Plenty of 'em

No flaming here. I remember those days well. You lost your temper, had a shitty day and now feel rubbish. All normal and, I suspect, universal to parents who are actually rather good and hold themselves to high standards. Try and let it go and start fresh tomorrow. It gets better.

nurseneedshelp Sun 13-Jan-13 21:39:36

I'm sure we've All been there!

Don't feel bad

Forget about it, , tomorrow is a fresh day..

my dd has become a little madam and i feel where you are coming from .do not blame yourself or beat yourself up . the way we get over this is to put away all food that the child is eating so there are no battles (say that the next mealtime is at such and such) they soon learn

Whoknowswhocares Sun 13-Jan-13 21:45:12

All those other people you think are doing such a good job are just the same as you.......struggling through a difficult period as best they can

as a mum of teens I would quite happily wager my house in ALL of them losing the plot at some point!
You are not hateful, or inadequate. Just human
Ok, today was less than ideal......tomorrow will be better.

JingleUpTheHighway Sun 13-Jan-13 21:45:49

Thanks everyone flowers

I haven't even told DH about it as I'm so annoyed at myself .

I think part of the issue is DD2 is now on the move which means less time for DD1 . DH is going to watch DD2 tomorrow evening whilst I make some special time for DD1.

Actually crying reading these , get myself in to such a state when I make a cock up like this . I worry that she will be afraid of me as a shouty, hand slappy mum!

gimmecakeandcandy Sun 13-Jan-13 21:48:31

Hugs x kids at 3 are trying, please don't be so hard on yourself x

Greensleeves Sun 13-Jan-13 21:50:44

I would tell dh so he could give me a big cuddle and tell me he isn't perfect either.

The really scary parents aren't the ones who come onto MN crying because they have made a mistake and don't want to make it again.

She won't be scared of you. xx

kickassmomma Sun 13-Jan-13 21:50:59

dont feel bad!!! you have done what many parents would have done in that situation!! hats off to you for coping with two kiddies i struggle with one!!

that said, i probably wont be the most popular person when i say that i use smacking as a punishment. not often, but it is used.

the naughter area/step does not work with dd as she has zero attention span. i tried for months and it never work. dd is warned when her behaviour is wrong. and told to stop, failing that,if she has something on tv- which she normaly does, that is turned off. then her toys are taken away if she carries on, she is threatend with bed, and if she is still continuingly being naughty she will get a smack on the had or her bum ( not her bare bum and she still wears a nappy) after that she stops (if it does get to that that is)

the smack we give her doesnt even mark, and is more a shock tactick.

im sure this is probably why your dd was upset afterwards, especially if you do not smack her as a usual punishment.. she wouldnt have expected. dont feel bad though smile

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