to ask whether you would end this friendship?

(92 Posts)
Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 19:01:46

Been friends with said friend for about 8 years. She is a self centred person and likes everything to be entirely her own way. I am fairly easy going but I think she's just starting to take liberties now. Some of the things she does:

Prides herself in being very "honest" and makes really personal comments. Always negative things, and often unasked for opinions.

Only phones me when she wants or needs something or is in the mood to chat. Very abrupt and rude to me on the phone if I want or need something.

Whenever we plan anything she always forgets about it. she'll suggest going to the cinema or for a drink, then when I phone her to check we're still on for our night out she'll have forgotten and will have made plans with someone else. I think she just uses me as a stand by in case a better option doesn't come along. I've said before well perhaps we could all go together when she's double booked but she said I couldn't go as I didn't know the other 2 people she'd arranged something with and I'd probably find it awkward having a night out with people I don't know.

Is always "too busy" to chat if I see her anywhere (school run) unless it suits her, in which case I can't get away from her. The other day I took a present round for one of her DCs, and she didn't answer the door. I assumed she wasn't in so left the present on her back doorstep and as I drove off she was merrily waving at me from a bedroom window. When I got home she sent me a text saying thanks for the present but she was about to have tea so hadn't answered the door. I hadn't wanted to stand and chat, just wanted to hand the present over safely!

Our DDs are good friends at school, and whenever there is any friction between them, which to be fair isn't often (they are only 7) she phones me up and gives me quite a hard time about it and always blames my DD. I am of the school of thought that kids are kids and I don't intervene in their little arguments unless it's something big. She phones me up sometimes all guns blazing over very minor issues, which are quite honestly 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. I'm sure my DD says/does things sometimes but equally her DD does too.

Says really inappropriate things such as she is sure my husband will leave me one day. And often speaks to me in a disrespectful tone.

Is very demanding and wants everything her own way. She once phoned me up at 7am demanding I gave her someone's phone number and when I said I was in bed and my phone was downstairs, I'd phone her shortly, she slammed the phone down. She also tries to make a lot of demands on me.

I try to give people a fair chance but I'm getting really hacked off with her!

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 20:34:14

ToyCarsHurtMyFeet (great name BTW, they so do hurt, I've trodden on several today!!), that sounds like my friend. If we go anywhere it has to be where she says. And she sulks if I don't agree with her, yet she is happy to be a brutally honest friend with me over anything and everything. Yet I am expected to agree with her opinions on everyone, including her ex husband.

AhhYouWillYouWill Sun 13-Jan-13 20:41:31

Eatingdoughnuts - I heard someone say once that people who are 'brutally honest' are usually far more brutal than honest. It sounds like you'd be much off without her.

I'd pretend to be too busy in future when she tries to organise anything / chat. If she's rude, just take it as proof you're doing the right thing!

pigletmania Sun 13-Jan-13 20:46:20

Eatingdoughnuts you know what you have to do, dump her she sounds awful.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 13-Jan-13 21:08:41

I think there may be a bit of butthurt in regards to your daughters being friends.

This woman seems the type to NOTICE she's getting the brush off and she is going to take it badly. She may step up her calls and attempts to connect and when it's obvious you're no longer her whipping post, she is going to be very annoyed.

sudaname Sun 13-Jan-13 21:20:30

What's not to end ? confused

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 21:28:46

Katy, I think you are right, she will notice I'm giving her the brush off. Several times, when I've not done as she wanted, or not returned her calls quick enough to her liking, she's phoned me up and asked if she's upset me, but not in a concerned way, more of a stroppy way like she's telling me off.

Mia4 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:30:18

Why are you asking if UAB? The only unreasonable thing is on yourself that you've forced yourself to put up for so long. Toxic friend...ditch her.

ivykaty44 Sun 13-Jan-13 21:38:08

Just thing of the positives if you ditch this friend

No more standing at the school gate being bored by her chat
no more her phoning you up to talk about why your dc has done xy and z to her dc
no more being let down when going to the cinema or drinks
no more unsocial hour phone calls demanding this that or the other

really your life will be much better without this extra heavy baggage grin

re write her name on your phone as:

don't answer

then you will remember to not answer the phone call wink

if she tried to stop and chat at school - now is the time to be abrupt

can't stop chatting to you

and quickly rush off

Eatingdoughnuts Sun 13-Jan-13 21:46:15

Seeing those positives listed it does sound very appealing ivykaty. I think I will feel very liberated

Have you posted about this before?

It all sounded very familiar.

Whatever, just ditch her.

HavingALittleFaithBaby Sun 13-Jan-13 21:50:49

I think your self-esteem will improve from being away from her - just spending time with someone who constantly criticises you has to be taking its toll?!

CuriousMama Sun 13-Jan-13 21:56:57

She sounds horrendous. Like a spoilt brat. Get rid.

CuriousMama Sun 13-Jan-13 21:58:58

Stop calling her friend!! She isn't one. I've had better enemies.

ChuffMuffin Sun 13-Jan-13 23:30:47

manticlimatic, I have pulled her up on her rudeness a couple of times and she says it's me that's oversensitive and that I'm hard work and not to take things so personally, when I don't feel that way with other friends, just her."

Wow. Can I ask what you're actually gaining from this friendship at this moment in time? Sounds more like you're her punching bag than a friend.

Hyperballad Sun 13-Jan-13 23:40:41

She sounds like she'd get on great with my Ex. He is just the same!

ChasedByBees Mon 14-Jan-13 00:43:00

I think if you want to ditch her, you may need to be honest (not brutal!) as she's not going to take a light brush off.

So if she phones to arrange something, I would say, 'I'd rather not - you've double booked a lot in the past and cancelled at the last minute. I haven't got much free time so I want to avoid this.' If she continues to push, 'I'll let you know but my diary is pretty busy at the moment'.

If she gets stroppy because you're doing something else and can't jump immediately, try: 'how come its ok for you not to answer the door to me even when you're busy, but when I'm busy you are aggressive in response?'

Pull her up as you withdraw and hopefully she'll get the message more clearly. You need to withdraw though - its just how to dicot without it affecting your DD. Comments about your DD's build are way out of line - you want to make sure this toxic 'friend' never makes these comments to her. Could she say something to her to get to you do you think?

Catchingmockingbirds Mon 14-Jan-13 01:21:39

Drop her.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 14-Jan-13 04:50:35

She sounds unpleasant and mean. I would not bother with her again.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 08:42:50

ChasedbyBees, I think if I said those things she would be like a dog with a bone and would not stop until she'd managed to convince me that somehow it was all me being silly, oversensitive and daft and that it was all my fault.

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 08:45:31

Just go very cool on her. Like you say no point lighting the touch paper is there? She'll get the hint hopefully. Make yourself scarce, join WI or something, or groups if you have time. Unless she's in them wink

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 10:28:08

OK, so the plan is:

I won't answer the phone when she calls again. We have caller display on the home phone, which is where she usually phones rather than calling my mobile. If DH answers by mistake I'll tell him to relay a message to her that I'm busy but will call her back later. And then won't call...

If she collars me at the school or the shop wanting to chat I'll be in a terrible hurry and cut her short.

If she asks me to meet her or to go out for an evening with her I'll tell her I'm busy that day and that I have a busy couple of weeks ahead but I'll call her when I have more free time. And then I won't call her back.

If she speaks to me again regarding our childrens tiffs I will just say that I think we should just leave them to it to sort their own battles out. Said with a smile, of course.

I'll stop buying her children birthday presents and stop doing any favours or nice things for her.

Can anyone think of anything else?

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 14-Jan-13 10:31:11

Kill her?

Nah, not really grin

Are you friends on Facebook? If so you may want to remove her, or put her on limited profile so she can only see your basic info.

Eatingdoughnuts Mon 14-Jan-13 10:37:30

We are FB friends but she comments on anything and everything that I post. I think she'd notice if I put her on restricted access and would kick up a fuss. Think I'll let her keep seeing it all for now and then hopefully in a few months delete her.

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 10:52:46

Great plan smile How do you put people on restricted access btw? You could do it and just do what I do if people get

CuriousMama Mon 14-Jan-13 10:53:17

Great plan smile How do you put people on restricted access btw? You could do it and just do what I do if people get 'accidentally' deleted and bring it up, I just say it's FB blush

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