To expect my husband to be remotely helpful during the nights?

(16 Posts)
SweetLikeChocolate Sun 13-Jan-13 12:27:56

DD 3 is now 13 months and still doesn't sleep through. She wakes twice and both times I give her a light feed and she goes back to sleep. To be honest it isn't such a big deal and I deal with it fast. But I AM tired. All the time. I also work and deal with the other 2 kids and although I have great help at home, the buck stops with me for anything to do with the kids, school, house or social side of our live. I realise I am just one of most women who do all this as well as work but sometimes I would like a hand at night... Or at least an hours lay in on the weekend (1 day allowed each) without paying the price later.
To complicate matters he is a type 1 diabetic and is often horribly moody as a result of his low blood sugar. Sometimes it is more than moody and he is frankly vile but claims he can't help it so it isn't his fault. Furthermore, he always seems to have a hypo whenever there is a stressful moment or I need a hand. He also has a bad back and is very stiff in the morning and he says this too makes him moody.
DD is unwell this weekend and I haven't slept more than an hour or 2 here and there for 48 hours .... He didn't get up once in the night or offer and then was annoyed when the big kids woke him at 8 after knowing I haven't slept for days. All weekend he has been out and about with the other kids leaving me house bound. I am fine because I like being home and Dd3 does really need me right now and is even when I'll a pleasure to hang with, but a little recognition rather than nastiness would be nice. I can't remember the last time he was genuinely thoughtful towards me. I am a good wife and run his house, life and everything seamlessly in addition to my own business and ask relatively little of him. Am I being a witch to give it back a little? He says I am.

FutTheShuckUp Sun 13-Jan-13 12:31:22

No he is being selfish and if his diabetes is genuinely as bad as it is and stopping him from contributing to family life he needs to get medical assistance in getting it under better control not opting out.

scarletforya Sun 13-Jan-13 12:36:56

I realise I am just one of most women who do all this as well as work

I don't think this is true. 'most women' do not shoulder all the burden of everything as you are doing.

I am a good wife and run his house, life and everything seamlessly in addition to my own business and ask relatively little of him

There's part of the problem right there. He's getting away with murder. Don't stand for it and if he pulls any of his 'moods' or 'hypos' tell him to stop malingering and pull his finger out. Lazy git.

As for him being 'vile' -either he stops that or he knows where the door is. Seriously OP he's riding roughshod over your good nature. Don't let him.

scarletforya Sun 13-Jan-13 12:40:33

Sometimes it is more than moody and he is frankly vile but claims he can't help it so it isn't his fault

Also, does he act like this at work or just home? I bet he doesn't do it at work, of course he can help it. He's a grown adult, he has to take responsibility for himself.

expatinscotland Sun 13-Jan-13 12:42:08

It's not 'helping', 'giving a hand' to pull one's fair share in life. I'd not have had more than one child with a person who proved to be such a lazy git, but that's neither here nor there.

You work and he does FA.

I'd show him the door.

CailinDana Sun 13-Jan-13 12:43:43

He is an asshole who uses his illness as an excuse. You need to stop putting up with this shit, it's really awful. You are both responsible for your children, and he should be getting up in the night just as much as you. He is basically saying he can treat you like shit because he has diabetes. What utter bollocks. Time to tell him to shape up or ship out I think.

YorkshireDeb Sun 13-Jan-13 13:00:52

At the moment I do the night duties - but I'm on maternity leave & can't imagine doing it when I'm back at work. Even now, if I need his help my dp will do a night feed, or if I've had a hard week he'll take him downstairs & leave me to sleep at the weekend. I think you need a serious chat with your oh about pulling his weight more. He's being very unfair. X

greenbananas Sun 13-Jan-13 13:01:43

My DH gets like this when he has a bad back, or a heavy cold, or is having a particularly difficult time at work. It drives me insane. I appreciate what other posters are saying about insisting that your DH pull his socks up, but I also understand that this is easier said than done, especially if you don't want huge arguments in front of the children.

Sometimes I think that my DH gives absolutely everything he can to his work, and leaves nothing over for me and the boys. He feels that he ought to be able to relax completely when he is at home, especially as he earns nearly all the money and has already contributed in that way to the running of the household. His staff think he is amazing, and I sometimes wonder if they would change their minds if they saw him at home!

Some men people use illness as a get-out clause for when they feel tired or very stressed and are not coping (possibly my DH does this sometimes). However, I do feel that, no matter how ill a person might be feeling, there is never any excuse for being nasty. If your DH is feeling very poorly all the time, then he should be getting help with managing his symptoms.

I can only really wish you luck and hope that you find a solution.

Flobbadobs Sun 13-Jan-13 13:05:30

If he's using his diabetes to excuse bad behaviour he needs to get to the DR's asap. Make him an appointment and tell him he needs to go as you are very worried about his behaviour and the 'hypo's' he seems to be getting.

rubyslippers Sun 13-Jan-13 13:08:08

The OP works outside the home too

It is an unacceptable state of affairs

The illness is being used as an excuse to basically opt out of the nights

StraightTalkinSheila Sun 13-Jan-13 13:12:28

He's being a cock. Kick him up the arse.

grobagsforever Sun 13-Jan-13 13:31:48

Why do you tolerate this? He is taking the piss out of you.

"... and although I have great help at home, the buck stops with me for anything to do with the kids, school, house or social side of our live."
When you say you have great help, what do you mean? Because the buck is stopping with you for EVERYTHING, so what help can you possibly be getting and from who? confused

"To complicate matters he is a type 1 diabetic and is often horribly moody as a result of his low blood sugar. Sometimes it is more than moody and he is frankly vile but claims he can't help it so it isn't his fault. Furthermore, he always seems to have a hypo whenever there is a stressful moment or I need a hand. He also has a bad back and is very stiff in the morning and he says this too makes him moody."
As has already been pointed out, unless he is also vile at work, he can help it. And as an adult (he is an adult isn't he? Even thought he's not behaving as one), he has had decades of practice is managing his blood sugar, he obviously needs to put a bit more effort into that.

It sounds as if you are a very capable person and he has decided that you can do everything, so that he can just coast and do nothing. He needs to buck up his ideas sharpish. I would probably insist he go to the GP to have his diabetes reviewed and take some advice re managing his blood sugar levels. And maybe ask for a referral to physio for advice on dealing with his back. He needs to manage his conditions better, not just sit on his arse pretending to be a fucking invalid, demanding you run yourself ragged to make up for his deficiencies. angry

Well - if you suspect he's pretending to be more hypo than he is, when he says he can't have the children while you have a lie-down (or whatever) because he's hypo, ask him to do a blood test. If he won't, you have your answer. The numbers don't lie.

realcoalfire Sun 13-Jan-13 15:46:03

are you bfeeding your dd at night?

SweetLikeChocolate Mon 14-Jan-13 09:12:26

Thanks guys. I appreciate your input and it feels good to vent and be heard. He is not an ogre and I think part of this is sheer exhaustion and moodiness on my part and the other is down to patterns that I have allowed to develop. He is great in many ways. He is active and involved and in comparison to my own father (who was present but uninvolved with our upbringing) he is a shining beacon of paternal example. We have been together for many many years and sort of grown up together which means that many of the patterns that have developed were not considered. I do resent many things- but I also acknowledge huge freedom. We have help at home which allows me to work (I am self employed and built my own business) but he is being supportive of my desire to retrain which is important to me as he is the main breadwinner. I just wish he would be more proactive with family life and take on a bit more. I am no doormat and when he is vile I give it right back. However his temper is not something that sits well with me and I am going to take all your advice and be proactive about addressing it. I think I will start by contacting his diabetes specialist and finding out the parameters of what is reasonable given the level of management of his diabetes. Thanks for all your support.

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