Regarding my exTwunts day out with PFB

(136 Posts)

DD is 17 weeks, tommorow i have allowed him to have DD alone for the first time.
(There is a hug backs tory but this i can assure you is rather generous) He is not competent with DD at all. I had agrreed to drive 1.5 hours to meet him, so he could take her to her GPs a further hour away.
He is NOT competent with DD at all, he will no tmake comtact arrangements and i am currently building up eveidence for legal arrangements to be make (that is a hwole other thread). He does not see or contact about DD on a regular basis, very hit and miss. So as you can see i am being very accomdating.
So here is where he think IAMBU, i do not think i am.
He has now changed the plans. He wants to take her from me, to her GP (1 hour) to his sister (40 mins) back to his parents (40 mins) back to me (1 hour).
ALL IN FOUR HOURS. Excluding the 1.5 hours each way i am doing.
I feel this is awful for my Dd's, development, relationship with her father, routine and not to mention how long she will be in a car seat.

I have explained this, but IAMBU. He wants to know if he can have her longer and drop her the whole way back to me, but this doesnt solve the issue besides i feel 4 hours is long enough for a first visit. Also, i have never every left her longer with anyone. Now im being pushed for him to have her overnight tonight by him.
I am not happy, would you be happy with this?
I have offered him ways around this eg inviting all the family down to my area. Or why cant his isster go to her parents? I have said he could have her here today.
I just to not want her in a car that long.
I Willa ccept a flaming if i IAMBU

Also I meant development in physical development, such as her spine.
I apologise for not being clear

CecilyP Sat 12-Jan-13 14:13:29

I was going to ask about the parents, as it is understandable that they would want to see their grandchild - but they obviously don't want to see her for too long if she is to be taken away to visit their daughter after 20 minutes or so. If they are perfectly happy with this extra trip, then they don't seem too concerned about their DGD's welfare either.

It just sounds like your baby is being treated like a new toy to be shown off to all and sundry.

MrsTomHardy Sat 12-Jan-13 14:17:09

No real advice apart from I wouldn't go ahead with the visit
I would say he can come and visit her from your place and take her out and about locally. She's still so little...good luck

It's very much when they do see her it's a whole family affair, it's like Christmas.
But as soon as she is sick or pooed I am given her back.
They invite me up there, I invite them down here but I end up going there for 'the family'
It's very much ' look at my GC'
I can't even escape to the nearest town when I'm there I get collared.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 14:19:08

My friend DB has only just been allowed to take his DS out without the mother and hes over a year old, and thats what the courts allowed.

That's very interesting thank you.

With the additional info on his family, I'd continue to invite them (especially since it seems they do not actually accept the invites but expect you to do all the travelling), but regretfully decline their invites as the travelling is too much for DD's soft bones at present. Nobody can twist that into refusing them contact.

Keep documenting everything, and yes, let him take you to court. He can finance it.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 12-Jan-13 14:41:41

I have a client whose ex is incompetent with children because he's stupid. ( I'm not meaning offensive stupid I'm meaning has no concept of safety or how to look after baby but has no SN's and point blank refuses support or advice/ help because he's certain he does not need it )

SS are supporting the mother by basiclly making it clear that should she allow him any contact with the child whilst the child is unable to articulate problems the child will be placed on the moden equivalent of the at risk register. Her social worker even attended court with her.

Fwiw I don't know anybody who has ever been ordered to send a baby under 12/18 months on overnights unless there were issues with there own parenting.

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 15:25:06

YY to all the posters who suggest whatever plans are made should be in some sort of writing.

I've got absolutely everything in writing.
I'm just terrified if he turns up tomo and I'm there without her

3littlefrogs Sat 12-Jan-13 15:38:37

Pack up everything you need for the next few days, including whatever you need for your course.
Go to your parents.
Leave DD with them.
Go to your course from there.

3littlefrogs Sat 12-Jan-13 15:40:13

Inform him that he is welcome to have supervised contact at your parents' home.

Does he have parental responsibility?

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 15:41:14

Sorry you're not entitled to legal aid. Have you posted in Legal?

I wouldn't know what to post in legal if I'm honest.i just know the best way forward is a court order.'yes he does have PR which makes is hard as he misunderstands the definition of it

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 12-Jan-13 16:21:19

So do nothing and let him take you to court, it do all comunication via email so you can show you are being reasonable and he is doing the banging on about his rights thing that lots of them do.

If he is there and you are not then you are at least an our and a half away from him so he cannot hurt you.

Just email saying he has changed the arrangements so it no longer works for you the poster above who composed a message for you has exactly the right wording. Then don't show.

Rearrange if he contacts you but do not chase him at all in anyway no texts no phone calls no nothing. Only contact him in reply to him requesting contact and be as reasonable as you can whilst making it clear what is and is not in dd's interests.

The onus is then on him to take you to court,they are soon removing all legal aid in child contact cases unless domestic violence is an issue so as long as you don't put the idea in his head and it takes him a few months to decide he can be bothered to try and take you to court and you are reasonable he's not going to have much luck.

Its not your job to chase him its not your job to encourage him nor is it your job to have to pacify him. Those things are all his responsibility

Thank you my problem is he is meant to be getting her from where my course is

Glimmerberry Sat 12-Jan-13 16:40:06

Email and just be clear it isn't happening. If you've suggested an alternative way forward, that is sensible interms of her welfare and allowing him access, I'd think there's little he can do.

LeftyLucy Sat 12-Jan-13 16:57:19

I would be very cautious about allowing this, particularly if you anticipate court orders in future. In my experience the court see the fact that you have given this type of access in the past as a reason to continue something along the same lines. It doesn't matter that you were browbeaten into it or that it will be a disaster. Courts are so eager to give fathers their 'rights' even if they are selfish arses who treat their children as 'property'.

I would say no to this if you possibly can.

You have my sympathy.

TalkativeJim Sat 12-Jan-13 17:12:45

Text back - visit will now not go ahead due to further concerns for DD's welfare after your comments this morning.

Write up everything that happened today:
-his bullying to change plans once visit had been agreed,
-the unsuitable nature of the changes he wanted- far too long in carseat etc, no quality time spent with baby,
-his inappropriate uncaring attitude once you pointed out that she shouldn't be in a seat that long -'she will get over it'- WTF?!?
-his further bullying once you decided there were concerns -he will be there tmrw no discussion' etc.

Add this to the rest of your dossier on how this nasty idiot is demonstrating that he is neither willing nor able to undertake appropriate loving care of a baby.

Call SS for advice-maybe speak to your HV first?
-and then depending on what they say, suspend contact and tell him to take you to court, because if his approach is going to be to bully you, then that means you CAN'T give him access, because he won't listen to your advice and given his proven incapability, that means your DD could be endangered by him.

TheProvincialLady Sat 12-Jan-13 17:52:07

Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I also think that you should not drive your DD to contact 1.5h away, as it will set precedents that you may be expected to keep up if it goes to court.

Supervised contact in your own home is the only possible solution here for a while, until he has learned to take care of his daughter and put her needs first. Dont take her to visit his family and don't let him, until such time as he can and will take proper care of her. She will not be missing out on bonding etc at this age.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 12-Jan-13 18:12:07

As long as you inform him that she will not be made available if he still turns up and creates a scene he then gift wraps a good reason for you to use in court.

PLEASE help me.
He has just woken me up with a text saying I will be in X at Xam to get DD.
That's where I will be for my course.
This is my first real chance to stand up to him.
I need to reply before he sets off.confused

Just bumping this for you so someone knowledgeable can help, but did you email or text him as talkativejim suggested? What have you told him about today?

I did. He's just texting abuse now after I'm saying what Jim said.
I'm phycotic and talking shit and she best be there.

I'm no expert on these matters at all but I would respond along the lines of "I will not tolerate abuse from you and I will not allow my child to be in the care of someone who is clearly angry and says these things. Do not come. You will not be taking her". Find out what kind of support the police can give you if you feel he will turn up and make a scene. Are there any people around who can stick by you just in case he turns up? Just think now about how you can ensure you are both safe.

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