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Regarding my exTwunts day out with PFB

(136 Posts)

DD is 17 weeks, tommorow i have allowed him to have DD alone for the first time.
(There is a hug backs tory but this i can assure you is rather generous) He is not competent with DD at all. I had agrreed to drive 1.5 hours to meet him, so he could take her to her GPs a further hour away.
He is NOT competent with DD at all, he will no tmake comtact arrangements and i am currently building up eveidence for legal arrangements to be make (that is a hwole other thread). He does not see or contact about DD on a regular basis, very hit and miss. So as you can see i am being very accomdating.
So here is where he think IAMBU, i do not think i am.
He has now changed the plans. He wants to take her from me, to her GP (1 hour) to his sister (40 mins) back to his parents (40 mins) back to me (1 hour).
ALL IN FOUR HOURS. Excluding the 1.5 hours each way i am doing.
I feel this is awful for my Dd's, development, relationship with her father, routine and not to mention how long she will be in a car seat.

I have explained this, but IAMBU. He wants to know if he can have her longer and drop her the whole way back to me, but this doesnt solve the issue besides i feel 4 hours is long enough for a first visit. Also, i have never every left her longer with anyone. Now im being pushed for him to have her overnight tonight by him.
I am not happy, would you be happy with this?
I have offered him ways around this eg inviting all the family down to my area. Or why cant his isster go to her parents? I have said he could have her here today.
I just to not want her in a car that long.
I Willa ccept a flaming if i IAMBU

Story for mistakes im quite anxious and upset. Rather fretting

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 12:05:30

No flaming from me, it's a very long time in carseats if there's no other adult in car.

thegreylady Sat 12-Jan-13 12:10:38

YANBU at all and if he really cares about your dd he will see that.

YANBU! If I was in your position he would be coming to me, to spend an hour with DC and that would be it. I would not want such a young child in a car for that long, or away from me tbh

She is too young for overnights she is still a tiny baby!!

DeepRedBetty Sat 12-Jan-13 12:14:04

Especially if he hasn't got the faintest clue what to do with babies.

LadyWidmerpool Sat 12-Jan-13 12:14:21

How much time has he spent in a car with a screaming baby? Does he know it's one of the circles of hell? I don't think it would necessarily do her any harm to try once but I would certainly not agree to change the arrangement to include an overnight stay at this late stage. That would be a no no for me.

MrsMcEnroe Sat 12-Jan-13 12:16:49

YANBU, you are doing what's right for your daughter, stick to your guns

Thank you.
Of course I've got the speech about me denying him a relationship with his daughter and his family but I just feel my DDs welfare comes first.
When I explained the dangers of car seats for so long I got 'she will get over it' very immature.
It just makes me feel very anxious and fret, he will not change the plans so I do not know what to do.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 12:18:24

I'd put my foot down and say no, shes only 17 weeks, i wouldnt want my baby being so far away from me for soon long, i'd never be able to relax.

pod3030 Sat 12-Jan-13 12:23:45

you are the primary carer, you get to call the shots. follow your gut instincts, they will serve you well. i wouldn't be away from such a little baby for so long, he may not change the plans, but YOU can.

SavoyCabbage Sat 12-Jan-13 12:23:52

I wouldn't want to do it either. He's never going to get all of that done in 4 hours.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Sat 12-Jan-13 12:28:14

Can't he/his parents/his sister come to yours? It's an awful lot of sitting in a car seat for a wee one (and that's just your bit!)

NatashaBee Sat 12-Jan-13 12:28:22

YANBU. Can you get some backup from your midwife on the risks of her being in a car seat for too long?

RedHelenB Sat 12-Jan-13 12:34:47

Let it go - either she will scream & he will then have to adapt plans OR she will sleep during it. One day of this is not a big deal & hopefully the realities will make him more amenable to listening to your opinion on future occasions!

Oh & you are not "allowing " him anything - you are both parents.

CecilyP Sat 12-Jan-13 12:38:21

I think you were generous in the first place in volunteering to drive DD fof 1.5 hours and him taking her to his parents involving another hour - already a 5 hour round trip for a tiny baby. If you add in the extra 40 minutes each way to his sister, that is nearly 6.5 hours of her sitting in the car seat. And the last bit is completely unecessary - why can't his sister go to the parents, if she wants to see the baby? If you add some time for them to actually spend with the baby, that is going to be a lot more than 4 hours and it is a very long day for her.

You are definitely not NBU but I am not sure what to suggest. If he cannot stick to the original plan, I would definitely say no.

Fairylea Sat 12-Jan-13 12:43:44

I think you have two ways of looking at this really.... either he is responsible enough to have dd or he isn't.

If he hasn't spent enough time with her to know what to do to care for her then he can't have her, simple as that. Tell him noand he will have to apply through the courts or a solicitor to gain contact preferably at a contact centre .

However if he is reasonable and able to care for her then unfortunately what he does on his time with her is up to him. I agree with you about the driving but to behhonest he didn't even have to tell you about.it the same way you don't have to tell him what you do with dd.

So I think you need to decide whether you trust him to look after her or not and go from there.

Kiriwawa Sat 12-Jan-13 12:43:55

No way would I allow my 17 week in a car seat for that length of time. RedHelen - yes the baby is both of theirs but if one parent is putting their child at risk, the other has to be responsible and protect the child.

Fakebook Sat 12-Jan-13 12:49:43

I'd be happy to have a few hours to myself to sleep and pamper myself tbh. I know he's your ex, but try to see beyond your hate for him. If my DH had taken our 17 week old out alone for half a day or more at that age, I would have been over the moon. He is her father. He will deal with her how he deems appropriate. Unless he has a history of abuse or something, I'd let her go. YABU.

But i am hardly going to be relaxing?
I offered to drive 1.5 hours so him and her GP get more time with her.

No I don't trust him to look after her. Her welfare means nothing, there is a complete disregard for her care.
I feel rather than spending time with DD it has been turned into a 'showboating' exercise.
It's unfair on DD I feel. I have offered several alternatives.
Now he will not discuss with me I have been deemed a selfish cow and have gone back on my word.
I haven't said he can't have her but how can I make arrangements when he will not cooperate.
I now feel very stuck, and very alone and unreasonable for just caring and being a mother.

If he is trying to move the goalposts I would cancel the visit. Can he not drive GPs to you and spend time with your DD at your house?

exit I have offered this too as I won't actually be home for those three hours as I am on a course for those four hours in London.
Hence me offering my house as they would get her even longer.
I have just had a text saying I will be at X at X time. End of story.
Now I'm scared :-(

Fairylea Sat 12-Jan-13 13:02:39

Aside from the car issue, what examples can you give of him not caring for her ?

I think (as seen on here) the car seat one is contentious as although it's a lot of time it IS broken up so not continuous and the excitement of the visits inbetween might actually mean she sleeps a lot. Plus it is not an everyday thing.

However, if it was me I would be extremely unhappy about my dc being in a car seat that long.

If you have valid concerns about his parenting then say no and ask him to either have contact at your house or a neutral place with you so he can gain confidence and parental skills or say he must apply via solicitor if it is bordering on neglectful.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 12-Jan-13 13:03:25

Make Dont let him make you feel bed for being worried, we all would be and if hes not a good dad then cancel plans and insisted on contact centre, until hes a better dad. Your her mother, who wants to protect her, your not being unreasonable.

If you thought he was a good dad, then you would have to bit the bullet. But since he isnt then, its a big no.

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