I feel like our wedding is mine, not DP's

(77 Posts)
delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 07:30:44

We're getting married in a month. When we decided to do it, DP said he wanted to get married abroad, just us. I said I didn't want this because I thought it would be nothing without family and friends. So we booked the register office then back to ours for a party, very simple.

Then he said he wanted sushi (he eats everything but this is the only food he loves). Initially I agreed, but have now said no, because there will be lots of kids, friends of my parents and other people who might pick at it but won't eat enough to keep them going all afternoon and evening and I just can't have starving guests. Instead I've organised something that includes sushi but also other things and he's agreed muttering that I've overridden what he wants again.

He still hasn't told me who he wants to invite, so they haven't yet been invited- plus no hint of a best man. It's not a traditional wedding at all, but there will be a few speeches so it will look weird if he doesn't have anyone to speak for him. He is a bit anti-social (we are always together, with DS) - however, plenty of my friends have become our friends.

I know you're all going to say he doesn't really seems to want to get married, and in truth he doesn't, but he does want to do it because it's important to me and he doesn't really mind, just hates 'occasions' and dislikes his family (not toxic but a massive emotional drain on us).

Is this a common, that is just become's the woman's 'thing'?

Pancakeflipper Sat 12-Jan-13 07:38:05

I dunno if it's common but I get the feeling he wants to be married just doesn't want the hassle of a wedding. Especially as its not what he wanted. I guess you need to chat to him about his friends/ best man etc

Sorry but I think YABU. It's reasonable to discuss your concerns about your Dp's wishes but I don't think it's fair to just overrule him, it should be a special day for both of you, even if he's a bit less keen than you.

Bearandcub Sat 12-Jan-13 07:44:25

I don't think it's even your wedding tbh, you're doing everything for your guests. This is your wedding, you and your stb DH.

Also YABU to suggest that his being pissed off with how you've ignored his choices is because he doesn't want to get married!

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 07:44:57

I'm sure I am BU, but if I discuss my reasonable concerns (i.e. 50% of the guests won't like the food, parents won't be able to make sure young children have eaten something, hot saki and no food will result in mass vomiting and fainting fits) and he says, well that's all I want, what else can I do?

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 07:51:27

When decent people plan a wedding, they do plan it around their guests.

It's called being a host.

Offering nothing but sushi at a wedding would be really tacky - one of those display weddings that are like a branding exercise for the couple and not a pleasant party for everyone who is part of the day.

He wasn't overruled. There will be sushi as well as food to please other people.

The going away thing could only go one person's way. I don't see why his feelings should have overridden yours.

He sounds like a bit of a sulky twat TBH.

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 07:52:06

sake or course, not saki

PurplePidjin Sat 12-Jan-13 07:57:20

It sounds like he's chosen what he wants from a wedding while you're choosing what other people need

YaNeverU for the way you feel, you can't help that, but yanbu to be pissed off that he's sulking because of his own impractical choices!

FredFredGeorge Sat 12-Jan-13 08:00:58

YANBU, you're right to think it's not his wedding, because it doesn't particularly appear to be his wedding. It's not what he wanted on the location, which he conceded on and then asked for one thing, which you're still not giving him, based on some weird ideas of what you think other people might eat or not eat.

I wasn't going at all suggest he doesn't want to get married, I was going to suggest that YOU don't appear to want to get married, just want to have a wedding. The important part of celebrating your life with your DH seems to be missing and you just want to organise a party that meets your needs, and no your concerns are not particularly reasonable (you say on the invite, "food will be X,Y,Z, you may want to eat a hearty lunch before if you're not keen!")

He doesn't want a big party - he wanted to get married abroad to specifically avoid it I'm sure - he doesn't want guests, speeches, a best man so hasn't organised any of that because he's probably not fully rationalised the need for it to actually happen in his head. It sounds like he really wants to be married and mentally wants to go along with what you want to make you happy, but is still struggling to come to terms with how much that isn't what he wants.

BouncyPenguin Sat 12-Jan-13 08:02:28

I think your reasoning about the food seems sensible. I guess when you are planning a wedding you are negotiating the details the same way you negotiate your day to day lives together. If you are the one who usually makes the decisions normally then you will be the one sorting out the wedding.
I married my DH a couple of months ago. It was a registry office wedding, 2 witnesses, our kids, no rings, minimum vows, short as possible, then pub lunch, then home to stick a load of washing on and feed the baby. I booked it and chose outfits. DH said "fine" and went along with it as this is the way our relationship has worked for the last 10 years. Our family and friends were fine with it. They understand us. We understand each other. Good luck with the wedding!

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 08:04:01

"(you say on the invite, "food will be X,Y,Z, you may want to eat a hearty lunch before if you're not keen!")"

You say that if you're a twat.

Stropping because you don't want your guests to eat anything but your favourite food is total groomzilla bullshit.

Fairylea Sat 12-Jan-13 08:08:08

Can you not work together and compromise? Sushi for a starter maybe??

Maybe have a themed reception party that would include your dhs ideas somehow ?

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 08:13:29

FredFred I violently disagree with your first two paras, but I do think you are spot on in the third.

For the record, we both want to be married. You can hardly say I'm whipped up in a whirl of excitement because we're going to the register office then back to ours. Not exactly extreme marrying is it?

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 08:18:56

Fairylea we have compromised - there will be sushi. He said he's fine with it, just with a <sigh>. His themed wedding would have lots of computers with everyone wearing headphones grin.

Bouncy, congrats on your wedding!

I think it is a reflection of how our relationship works - we both work hard at the things we're best at. THen he complains I didn't do it right.

CabbageLeaves Sat 12-Jan-13 08:19:16

He's acting like a child isn't he?

Have you ever read any work on transactional analysis?

You're parenting here and he is the child. It's a real joy to have a relationship with an 'adult' (adult as in the TA model)

I know this sounds a bit woo.... My point is its possible to change. This situation could repeat itself in so much more of your life.

You can both work on being in 'adult'. - it's worth it

could you not do registry office and a formal lunch for guests, then in the evnjng, both of you have an intimate dinner at his favourite sushi restaurant and a night at a hotel?

TheBrideofMucky Sat 12-Jan-13 08:43:36

I agree with Athing. There is sushi on offer so he can eat sushi to his heart's content if he wants to but there will be guests (like me) who don't like it. Stuck at a wedding all day with no food would be an utterly miserable experience, I think you're being sensible and he isn't thinking practically about it. Has he been to many weddings, to get the gist of what usually happens from a guest's perspective?

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 08:54:11

"we both work hard at the things we're best at. THen he complains I didn't do it right."

Are you sure you want to marry this guy?

A lifetime of listening to someone complain about everything you do will get very wearing.

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 08:55:54

THe food thing is resolved really, I told him there would be sushi and he sighed and said fine. He has also agreed all my booking of decorators to turn it our house into a winter wonderland (apart from the snow machine sad). But he hasn't invited anyone! This is the big problem now. His brother initially volunteered but he has a very serious drug habit. I mean, really serious. He may have to be there but I will need someone watching him because he may have drugs on the premises (and needles). Plus his personal care is unpredictable (don't worry, DP is polar opposite). So I said no to that as well! Then there's his dad. I mean, this is why he wanted to get married abroad.

I suppose it's not his wedding, maybe I just have to accept that, do what I want and then focus on being a kind and supportive wife grin.

Bride and AThing - I agree, there would have been a queue at the fridge - won't happen in my house.

EuroShagmore Sat 12-Jan-13 08:56:28

I don't think either of you is doing a good job at compromising, which is a key element of marriage!

shesariver Sat 12-Jan-13 09:02:43

I dont think YABU at all regarding the food, of course it the couples day but they are inviting friends and family to celebrate it with them, serving up only sushi which I would take a guess not a lot of people like would be bonkers! A mix of food would generally have something that everyone would be able to eat something. I have never heard of someone only wanting their favourite food served and its a bit odd that he thinks like this and was unable to see the food from others points.

diddl Sat 12-Jan-13 09:06:24

Are you having many guests?

I can see how if he wanted just you two & that´s now a couple of hundred guests, that´s not really a compromise.

I love sushi, but appreciate that not everyone does so probably wouldn´t serve it as the only food.

You´ve hardly overridden him, have you-that would be saying that there would be no sushi at all!

Why did he want to marry without friends & family?

Doesn´t he have any/not get on with them/not like yours/doesn´t like being the centre of attention?

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 09:17:31

Diddl, he is not very close to his family and there have been various events and circumstances that have made relations fraught. Plus, he doesn't particularly relish mine. But although I see their faults my family are important to me. I would be upset if DS got married and didn't invite me. I would wish him well of course, but I would definitely feel hurt.

He hates any formality. We are both freelance and his profession is very unconventional specifically because he could never fit into a hierarchy.

Euroshag we have been through IVF, a baby and adopted an older child together, so I do think we have proven our ability to cooperate when necessary.

shesariver Sat 12-Jan-13 09:19:41

Thats what I meant by odd thinking - diddl as you say you love sushi but appreciate that others might not - this ability seems to be missing in OPs partner. Strange, because I dont get the impression hes totally selfish either.

delmonton Sat 12-Jan-13 09:26:45

He is an unusual man. Very extreme. Very possible Aspergers. I do love him though smile. Fortunately. I expected to do all the organising myself (not much to be done, just a party really) but I'm disappointed he hasn't invited people.

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