DP still isn't home!

(111 Posts)
AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 05:29:51

Okay so I've been with my DP almost 5 years, we've got a 3month old DD

In the past he's had a habit of going out for a drink and not coming home until the next morning, not phoning or picking up his. The first time he did it we argued and I told him it wasn't what I wanted from a relationship, if that's what he wanted to do then that's fine we'll go our seperate ways but he said it wasn't and it wouldn't happen again. A couple of months later the same thing happened we had a massive row and I told him once more and I was done. 2w later we found out I was pregnant, I was on the pill and took it when I was ment to but it failed but our DD is the best thing that's ever happened to us. We had a huge heart to heart and I told him I didn't want to be a single parent and our relationship was great apart from when he didn't come home and I told him that I ment what I said last time and it still stood even when we had the baby and that I didn't want to be a single parent but I would if he did this again.

I'm sure youce guessed where this has lead, well he hasn't come home angry I was ment to grab him and he phoned to say don't bother ill be home in an hour (this was at midnight) , he never came home so at 3 I phoned and he said his list wasn't ready to bring him yet so he'll be back later and still isn't and I haven't bothered phoning again. He'll come back drunk out his head., fall asleep and tomorrow will swear him was home before now and won't understand what my problem is

I've spoke to my friend in RL and she think IBU and him not coming home isn't a big deal and I no a couple of his mates GF just put up with it, so I don't know if I am just being over the top. I'm so angry and ready to tell him to pack his bags but I don't want tho through our relationship away and I don't want to split our family up, he's. great dad and I know it will kill him being apart from us, but I feel like he knows I don't like it but why will he ever stop if he know ill just be pissed off for a day of two

So AIBU or is he? Would I be over reacting by telling him to leave?

SantasENormaSnob Sat 12-Jan-13 06:35:56

What is he doing until this time?

Club/pub/house party?

Is he just on the drink or are class As involved?

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 06:36:26

yorkshire the Op is implying that if she went out and got hammered and stayed out partying all night, she would get the Spanish Inquisistion when she got home , if she did it a second time he would end the relationship.

That is the inequality.

FWIW - every week is a no-no. Once in a while I'd over look. BUT this is about YOU and how you feel, not about what I or any of the other posters would do.

Right now you are vulnerable, with a baby, probably on reduced income because of maternity leave and he's acting like a single man. He is not supportive of you.

So, only you know whether this is the absolute dealbreaker - personally the jealousy thing would do it for me - as I said, no one would get the opportunity to dictate to me what I may or may not do -especially if they were doing it themselves with great regularity!

read back on your OP - no where have you said you would be upset if you slung him out - you've said it would 'kill him' - well I might be wrong - but you've already made a decision in your mind, and you are looking to Mn to validate that decision and agree with you. If it's what you think is best for you, then I support you in that.

balotelli Sat 12-Jan-13 06:39:00

NO YANBU.

For me this is just totally unacceptable.

No one NEEDS to do this regularly, if at all. There are plenty of ways of letting off stress and steam other than staying out all night getting pissed.

He needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

I'd be very suspicious of what he is up to all this time.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 12-Jan-13 06:40:26

I would be furious - not so much about the concept of staying out, DH and I have both in the past stayed out late/away and that is a non issue because it is planned

The blatant disrespect involved in his lying would anger and upset me though. Telling you he will be home and then breaking his word, plus the impact on family time due to hangover/tiredness would be unacceptable to me.

YANBU

cfc Sat 12-Jan-13 07:01:11

Are you sure it's just drinking he's doing and nott drugs?

He is being totally unreasonable, but you and he know that already - you told him previously ffs.

Be gone when he gets back. Go out for the day and/or night - go to your mum's or whatever and turn off your phone.

Fairylea Sat 12-Jan-13 07:04:59

Unacceptable. He is living the life of a single man by not even calling you or responding to your calls. At the very least he should let you know he won't be back and will be staying with xxx.

Also, you should both have the same rights to free time.

Does his selfishness extend to other areas of the relationship? Does he parent equally, share night feeds on days off etc?

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight Sat 12-Jan-13 07:06:41

Op please don't bother ringing him again today. Do you have plans for today? If not make some, get out of the house. There will be no point in trying to discuss this till tonight or even tomorrow cause he will not be in a fit state too.

lunar1 Sat 12-Jan-13 07:13:42

I would e really angry too op

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 07:16:35

santa he's at a mates house, not a house party but a few of them there. Just drink involved and nothing else!

holly I would be upset because I do love him and normally our relationship is so good but this. I don't want to split my family but I don't want to have to out up with this either

sara he doesn't see it as lying because he said he has every intention of coming home when he said but something always stops him like he didn't realise how late it was, I had to wait for so and so for a lift, and so on and when I tell him he's broken his word and his promise means nothing all I get is I know I'm sorry it won't happen again

dairy he does parent equally but not the night feeds because I BF. this is the only problem and its constantly reoccurring

loves I won't be phoning him again and ill be going out first thing so when he does decide to come home he won't be able to get in because he hasn't got any keys

SushiPaws Sat 12-Jan-13 07:23:54

At 26 without kids I can imagine this happening and it being not that much of a problem if you trusted each other.

The problem is that now you both have a commitment and if you say you'll be back in an hour then you should be. My dh did this once when dd was only a few months old and I was so disappointed. In the last 5 years he's stayed out all night a handful of times, but we arrange it before hand, he stays at his brothers. I then get my nights out too, but I usually come home early (not a night person).

Your dp is going out every weekend and during the week. You never know when he's going to stay out even when he tells you he'll be home. That is not trust and its not respect, it's not healthy for you hanging on all the time, living to his rules.

Why hasn't he got any keys? This is what would piss me off more tbh - that he thinks it's reasonable to come in whatever time he likes and you'll just get up and let him in.

It sounds to me like this time has been a bit different in that he answered his phone (initially at least). So for me it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I also wouldn't mind my dh staying out all night with friends as long as he'd arranged it in advance and made sure I wasn't too shattered and was ok with it. But off the cuff, frequently when you have a 3 month old? Unless you have a good sleeping baby this is totally fucking selfish.

Yes definitely go out, for the whole day, and don't answer your phone. See how he likes it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 12-Jan-13 07:40:24

You aren't a family.

You are a single mother living with a bachelor.

You have a 3 month old baby

That is the focus of your life.

He's still out on the piss all the time as though the baby never happened.

Proper, willing fathers don't act this way.

Just tell him to fuck off until he grows up.

Or you move on with you life.

Whichever comes first.

I'm betting on the latter.

valbona Sat 12-Jan-13 07:42:50

Before kids - totally fair enough.
With a 3-month old baby? You are under-reacting if anything! You've been looking after the baby all week I suppose? I'd want to DP to be up with the baby on a Saturday morning not dealing with his hangover in bed. I'd be livid.

ravenlocks Sat 12-Jan-13 07:48:39

I really feel for you. Do you think he could have a drink problem? I say this as know someone who behaved similar and in 7 or so years this had progressed to full blown alcoholism, lost job, rehab etc. The red flags for me are that he comes home from a night out and carries on drinking, as those with alcohol dependency find it very hard to stop when they start. Also the promising not to behave like that again and then doing it again regardless. Suggests to me he isn't as in control as he thinks. Really hope he comes home soon safe and sound. You really should think about how you handle this as saying "do it again and I'll leave" but they he does it again and you don't leave are empty threats and he knows it.

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 07:50:27

I don't know why he doesn't have his keys tbh, I was ment to be picking him up so I suppose if i did he wouldn't need them. My DD isn't a great sleeper but is getting there

athing I can see your point about being a family. We're one is the week when he's here

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 07:51:22

valbona I do about 90% of child care because he works really long hours grin

ErikNorseman Sat 12-Jan-13 07:51:57

He doesn't have keys? Why not?

AmIOverReacting Sat 12-Jan-13 07:54:08

That smiley wasn't ment to be there blush

I made that threat last time meaning it and now here we are, if I don't leave it's like he can carry on and ill be pissed for a couple of days but things will go back to normal and if I go I've lost everything. Im so confused and angry with him

StressDaily Sat 12-Jan-13 07:58:22

My XH used to stay out all night about once every three months. It made me angry and sad that he disrespected me so much, and was so blatant about it!

It doesn't matter whether other people aren't bothered by it, what matters is that you've told him this is unacceptable and a deal breaker and he's continued to do it.

The problem you've got is that you are making ultimatums and then not standing by them. It's understandable, but I wish that I'd kicked my no good lazy cunt of a H out the first time he stayed out all night.

Hyperballad Sat 12-Jan-13 08:03:53

Hey, I have a 6 month old and I have just left my DP this week. We won't be getting back together.

I think that you have to search within your heart and gut and decide whether you can accept this about him or not, if you can't then you need to act.

If you feel like breaking up is a step too far then you could go for a temporary split. Don't let him back in the house today (apart from to let him get a few things!) and tell him he has to stay somewhere else for a while, while you do some thinking about what you really want. You have spoken to him many times about this and it hasn't made a difference so asking him to go is an action to back up what you've said to him previously.

When he is away you can take stock of the situation and see how he responds and then make a decision.

It's not going to be nice dealing with it but I think your going to have to if you can't accept this behaviour.

If you can accept it (I wouldn't btw) then you really do need to accept and not worry the next time.

Hesterton Sat 12-Jan-13 08:09:15

Good response from Hyperballad, that makes sense.

Fairylea Sat 12-Jan-13 08:11:15

Athinginyourlife - love your post.

I left my ex husband when dd was 6 months old for those very reasons.

I never looked back.

Marcheline Sat 12-Jan-13 08:11:28

If you go, you won't have lost everything. You'll have lost him, but it doesn't sound like he actually contributes much to be honest. You say that he parents equally, then in another post that you do 90%.

FWIW, my DH (who was 33 at the time!) went a bit doolally when DD was born and started going out a lot (about twice a month but still a heck of a lot more than I was and too much for a responsible husband whose wife has bad PND and isn't coping) and our marriage nearly ended. Eventually, after a lot of work and a lot of talking, he behaves like a responsible father and readily admits that he went off the rails for a while because he found it hard to adjust to having a child and my PND.

It sounds as though your DP's drinking is really excessive, I wouldn't be happy with it at all, let alone the staying out all night, lying to you and turning his phone off.

You seem to have exhausted every avenue except actually leaving. I think you probably would be netter off othout him in the short term as you need to concentrate on you and your DD, not worry about where a fully grown man is/whether he has his keys/how he is getting home etc. I appreciate that sounds very 'LTB' and glib, but I really think that if a partner is not supportive when there is a mew baby around, you are actually better off without them.

BigStickBIWI Sat 12-Jan-13 08:19:48

Thing is, it's like disciplining your children. If you make a threat, you have to be prepared to carry it out, otherwise you have lost it.

It doesn't matter what any of us think, you are the one who is upset by this, and you have said to him that he will have to go if he does it again.

You have to tell him that he has to go now, so that you are seen to carry out your threat. Otherwise you have lost all credibility and he knows he can do it again.

RuleBritannia Sat 12-Jan-13 08:20:29

Apart from other 'issues' here, what about the amount of money being spent on booze when there's a new mouth to feed clothe and keep warm.

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