Mumsnet Talk

expat and these people survived how?

Oh, some said a lot of things like that, Curious.

I even got 'At least you have other children' after DD1 died.

I was far too exhausted to even respond.

expat I just posted the laughing thing a few posts above you! Utter utter cow!

If you can't think of anything supportive to say then say NOTHING, a smile, a hug, a touch on the arm, but don't blurt out utter shite!

For some reason in awful situations people feel the need to try and make 'normal' conversation when really you want people to be supportive and acknowledge how difficult it is.

It is in no way near as bad as your situation but when DS1 was born he wasn't breathing and they couldn't find a heartbeat at first, he was taken to intensive care and was there a week.

After about 24 hours a midwife came in (they knew I had no baby as it was in my notes, I had to wear a ribbon so people knew to be sensitive and had no cot with a baby in by my bed) she stood there and said' I've got some bad news . . ' I just froze - she went on to say 'you have to have another anti-d injection as your baby is positive blood type.

I actually wanted to punch her - I am not a violent person. Just so so insensitive but I am sure she would not have said something like that maliciously as she was actually quite nice but I wonder if working as a nurse kind of makes bad situations quite normal to them.

Expat that is digraceful!

Thanks to all for your supportive comments.

expat it's so brave of you to share your experiences and your feelings. I am so very sorry for your loss.

As a student midwife I once asked a woman on the postnatal ward if she was planning to breast or bottle feed only to find out that her DS had just died in the NICU That was 9 years ago and I am still mortified now. I hope she learns a valuable lesson from your reply, I know I did!

MmeJo - they shouldn't have let you be in that position

Expat - it's beyond awful the things some people say isn't it?!

Praying - you did well to control your response to her! Mine would have either been rude or heavily laced with sarcasm!

Yadnbu what a stupid and irresponsible thing to say. Does she work on that ward? Because if she does, she needs some serious retraining. Or sacking, actually. My dp is an ex-nurse and he is utterly horrified that someone could be so lax.
Best of wishes to you and your baby too

Possibly one of the most ridiculously stupid things she could have said.

Hope your baby makes a full recovery OP,it must be such a difficult time for you and your family.

So sorry OP, hope your DD makes a full recovery.

DS was rushed back into hospital at 5 days old (first of many), coinciding with my baby blues, and was in for another 2 weeks. One of the night nurses told me most people in our situation would have had him adopted and didn't understand why we hadn't. I think she meant we were brave keeping him but actually it was a hugely offensive comment.

HDee - ridiculous. Parents of hospitalised children deserve consideration, it's not hard.

Aww - poor you, OP.

Try not to dwell on it. - it's hard to know what that nurse meant - maybe she meant break, in the sense of having a 'change' from your normal routine or she thought she was being amusing by acknowledging that having more than one child is hard work.....

IME of hospitals - even children's and onco specialists - there's usually one health professional who doesn't seem cut out for their work.... which is a shame.

With a bit of luck, that nurse will have a long holiday coming up!

I hope Beatrice's chemo 'journey' goes as smoothly as possible. This must be very difficult for you and your family.

Jesus, that's really insensitive. I hope your baby recovers really soon and you're all reunited again. It must be so traumatic for you all.

When my mum finished her chemo treatment for breast cancer, one of her workmates said "you'll miss the excitement now that it's over, won't you?" Um... no.

Thanks all. We're ok. Beatrice is having a blood transfusion right now so hopefully that will perk her up a bit. We're due to finish at 12.30 am and we can go straight home. Only in for a couple if days a fortnight, really not too bad but very intense while its going on.

Words fail me. So sorry Op, hope your baby improves soon.

Expat, I wish I could do something to take away your pain. I know that I can't though so I'm sending you so much love. I pray for you most often and still light the candle for your dd1.

I was about to congratulate you on a unanimous "No!" in AIBU - but there's always one lurking somewhere in the undergrowth... <sighs>

Ridiculous comment - and one that she'll remember with shame once she's got even one DC.

Love, hugs and prayers to you both.

When DS was born premature and still in intensive care someone said to me "At least you've got free babysitting" Oh yes, because when your baby is in intensive care you go out partying

Someone also took away his stats monitors. You could see those machines from the door of the NICU unit, but not see his cot because of a low wall so when I arrived that day I though he had died and they had cleared the space out ready for someone else. Only for the 30 seconds it took me to walk around the wall, but it was the most sickening feeling I shall never forget. The nurses though it would be a nice surprise for me.

People say and do silly things - they aren't usually meant to be malicious. Unfortunately when you are feeling vulnerable they can really hurt and tend to stay with you.

I also remember the (not particularly close) friend of DH who wrote us a lovely card which just said all the right things in a very simple straightforward way. He has had a special place in my heart ever since!

It must be really hard for your whole family at the moment. TRy and keep in touch with the people who do make you feel supported. x

'IME of hospitals - even children's and onco specialists - there's usually one health professional who doesn't seem cut out for their work.... which is a shame.'

We had two and only two. Thankfully one didn't last long and was soon transferred. I thought it was just me, and kept my mouth shut, until one other parent put it more succinctly, 'I think this person is too immature to work in this unit.' I guess plenty of others complained because as I said, she didn't last long.

I know exactly what you mean sunshines. SIL didn't acknowledge DS2's birth until he was three weeks old because she'd had a cold; he'd been in intensive care and SCBU. When she met him at five months (as did all the in-laws including his paternal grandparents - ignorant arses) she asked me why I wasn't breast feeding. Erm because it's hard to establish breast feeding when your baby is being fed through a tube in NNICU in a hospital forty miles away from the one you're stuck in because you were unlucky enough to have to have a crash section in a hospital where they don't have the facilities to deal with babies that poorly. BTW you don't have or want children Judgemella so do please fuck proper off!

Expat I agree. When dd was in hospital at six days with cleft palate and pneumonia I was naturally worried. I had also had a section and felt shit.
Nurses were lovely apart from one who was simply vile. Told me to hurry up when I was shuffling along, insisted on doing dds cannula change when she was already hungry, snapped at me when I told her dds alarm had gone off. If I'd have been myself I swear I'd have nutted her. Instead I said loudly "why would you be like this on a children's itu when parents are worried?" She didn't answer. Wouldn't even give me any left over dinner off the trolley like the others did. I could hardly pop to the chippy!
When I mentioned a horrible nurse to the others they knew who it was straight away.
I should have complained but you don't do you?

How are you feeling expat?

Praying4Beatrice
Having spent 15 months in hospital with DS as Expat has said people can be very insensitive They have no bloody idea. We were nearly 100 miles from the rest of the family and we saw them once a week. Apart from his death it was the worst time of my life IT WAS NOT A BREAK On the whole other parents gave me strength
BTW it was not cancer
Wish you and your family our love and positive thoughts and keep strong XX

praying are you at the shared care hospital?
That is where we got most of the dumbass comments

On the oncology ward they were far less frequent.

Sending lots of love to you and your dear little girl.

Thanks again, all.

Blood transfusion is finished, and she's absolutely transformed. So perky and full of beans, absolutely lovely.

MrsDeVere we're on the oncology ward at a well known children's hospital...!

Anyway, I wasn't really upset, just a bit gobsmacked and needing a bit of support -- and I got it. Thank you.

not unreasonable at all praying

glad your baby is feeling a bit more perky.

when DS was in hospital in a coma with meningitis the nurse said that it was "really interesting" for her.

not so much really interesting for me though....if i had been in my right mind i may have challenged her. but i wasnt. i was sleep deprived and out of my mind with worry. her comment has always stayed with me though.
it wasnt fucking "really interesting" it was a 2 year nightmare for me and 20 years later DS lives with the consequences of that "really interesting" time.

some people just dont think.
best of luck and i pray the outcome is a good one for you.

I'm sorry to hear about your little girl. Please let us know how you both are and keep updating xxxx

Expat, I'm so sorry. Words seem so useless. I'm so sorry for your loss x