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to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

(194 Posts)
DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:14

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

amicissimma England Fri 11-Jan-13 16:56:21

Can I warn you that this happens at the 'other end', too.

When the majority have DCs old enough to leave alone, and there's one who still needs childcare, the first lot start losing interest in arranging times and places to suit people who can't leave their DC. It's just life's phases. Nothing personal.

Proudnscary Fri 11-Jan-13 16:07:50

Bona - maybe they are making a point? Purposely arranging it in non-child friendly places because they don't want the little boy to come? It's poss to love your friends and their children but not want to spend time with the kids. Time is precious for childless people too!

BonaDea Fri 11-Jan-13 16:05:54

I'm a bit torn on this.

On the one hand, I figure why should they sit in a 'family friendly' place with other people's screaming brats flinging food around when they themselves don't have kids and just want to go out for a nice civilised lunch.

On the other hand, they do seem to be making it nigh-on impossible for you to go along and enjoy it, which seems harsh.

It sounds like you and this lot are just at very different stages in life and so perhaps are going to inevitably drift apart a little bit. It is probably no one's fault, but just the way it is...

Crinkle77 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:02:31

If that is the most convenient time for the majority it would be unfair of you to expect them to change the date. However if that were the case then they could atleast try and find a compromise on the venue

Proudnscary Fri 11-Jan-13 15:52:08

Totally agree with Scuttle and the rest of the 'boo! down with children' gang wink

Seriously I have two kids but have always understood that only I, my dh and my mother think the sun shines out of their arses and that everyone else thinks they're perfectly sweet but as boring as fuck after five minutes.

These women want to have a chat, a catch up and a laugh and they don't want kids around. I wouldn't either before or since I had mine.

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 15:46:19

Assumed (p'raps wrongly) when she said ''I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!'' they were always issuing invitations that were difficult for her.

I wasn't really sagging childless people off - just trying to say they are maybe not being horrible but thoughtless.

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 15:40:10

Where does it say that they are always issuing invitations that she can't attend?

Absolutely not ignoring the babysitting suggestions. My normal one is not available and neither is back-up one unfortunately.

This suggests that she does sometimes have babysitters available, so why wouldn't her friends assume that she could get a babysitter for this?

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 15:27:42

You weren't rude!

If you're childless and you really do get it, then can you understand that always issuing invitations people with kids can't attend makes it seem like either you don't actually want to meet up with us any more, or that in fact you don't get it? If the former, it would make things a lot easier if you lot would say 'sorry, it's not you, it's me. Or actually it's your kids'.

DharmaBums Fri 11-Jan-13 14:00:35

thanks everyone for your advice! have very politely declined brunch, due to lack of babysitters and arranged another evening date in February at an equally nice restaurant without ds.
btw apologies for offending anyone-didn't mean to be rude. just realising that you come across differently when not face to face! was just trying to defend others who'd written to be supportive and then got flamed. best wishes to all I'm off now!

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 13:35:06

I would hazard a guess that they think that you coming to brunch will make the brunch better (because they are your friends and they like you) but that you plus 2 1/2 yr old coming to brunch will make the brunch worse (because toddlers do not enhance every social situation).

So they've chosen a venue where the option is for you to come alone or not at all.

Either that or they just picked a place that they thought they would enjoy and you would enjoy, and not given it any more thought.

Fecklessdizzy Fri 11-Jan-13 13:08:39

Anyway OP, I thought you wanted the child-free persons viewpoint on sprogs at adult get-togethers?

What you're reading is probably what your mates are thinking but are too nice to say out loud because they like you and value your company!

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 12:58:44

If you are the first of your friends to have children then they probably remember being looked after by the 14 year old who lived next door and so assume that getting a babysitter is not actually that hard.

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 12:57:02

Of course we get it. That's why we don't have kids.

<snurk> grin

Yakshemash Fri 11-Jan-13 12:48:10

Loving this patronising assumption that childless people don't 'get it'. Of course we get it. That's why we don't have kids.

Bring on the starched napkins, I say.

OP, this is not a 'mums only' sanctuary. Your friends (yes, the ones you don't seem to like very much) might be on this thread...

shesariver Fri 11-Jan-13 10:41:00

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

Did you mean this to sound so rude?

Why do some women when they become mums expect others to be so interested in their chidlren just because they are friends? The only children Im really interested in are my own and I couldnt abide listening to other Mums prattling on about how many words wee kidy can say now or how many poos they have don in their potty. Friendships change when someone is a parent and someone else isnt, doesnt mean they cant be friends at all of course, just a different type of friendship.

Lafaminute Fri 11-Jan-13 10:31:45

Don't bring him whatever you do. Get a babysitter or don't go and don't be angry. Someday they may have their own toddlers and will fully appreciate the difficulties of accommodating a toddler but for now they don't have to make that effort - and why should they: you're one of 6. Enjoy it if you go - don't hold it against them if you don't.

plantsitter Fri 11-Jan-13 10:31:07

There is just no explaining to people who don't have kids - they don't understand. I didn't myself, and cringe when I think of the way I behaved towards my sister and others who had kids when I didn't. It's not as easy as 'getting a babysitter'. Perhaps when your 2.5 yr old is asleep in the evening it is, but at lunch time? Err... nope.

Just don't go, arrange something at another time at your house or something, and when they have toddlers and your kid is a civilisedish 5 yr old, ask them if they'll meet you just after lunch for a walk down a canal towpath (or something equally as impossible to manage with a toddler).

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 10:22:39

I never talk about kids on MN, or very rarely

Much more interesting stuff to talk about.

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 10:21:37

So you think that childless people would find nothing of interest on MN...

Yet you think that your friends should arrange their social lives so as to include your toddler?

I'm confused. confused

mrsjay Fri 11-Jan-13 10:18:26

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

see you are being rude and thinking the world revolves around children many childless people use mumsnet for chat or whatever there is no disclaimer that this is a special club forums are for all, there is hundreds of topics childless people and parents can chat about , I have grown up children I hardly ever talk about them on here

Trills Fri 11-Jan-13 10:08:45

hollaatmebabyif you're not interested in kids then why are you on mumsnet at this time instead of enjoying your fabulous single,child free life? hmmm

If you can't see anything on MN that someone without children would be interested in talking about then you must be reading very different threads to me.

Either that or you are just very unimaginative and unable to see things from other people's point of view, or understand that other people might be interested in different things to you.

Adversecamber Fri 11-Jan-13 10:06:36

It will be very interesting to see how interested you are in their dc if they have any.

Dc leave home one day you know and before that they become smelly hormonal teenagers if you become a martyr and make no life away from dc you will find yourself utterly bereft once they leave. Thinking of my dsis here who is not coping at all as her last two dc are about to up sticks and leave our home town.

My oldest child is 10 (11 soon), and my youngest is 7.
I was the first in my group of friends to have children.

Most my friends were uninterested in my child, and also uninterested in arranging times to meet which were child friendly. I remember one spectacular lunch in London where I brought my oldest, 18 months old at the time, and rather than a girly lunch it turned into nappy changes and feeding mayhem. It was the last time I saw them. I really should not have subjected them to this. Trying to combine lunch/dinner with friends, with a small child in tow is a recipe for disaster, and I really admire your friends for putting up with you and your "running around like a mad fool " child thus far!

If I had realized sooner that my friends wanted to see me and much as I adored my child, they were not keen to see my child, and hear about sleepless nights and milestones. Little as I was interested in hearing about endless nights out. I could not give my friends my attention and listen to them, and talk to them, when my focus was on a little sleeping, feeding, yelling, grizzling, impatient, cooing, running, flailing bundle of joy, which incidentally hogged the entire event.

You need to find childcare. Or new friends. Mummy friends with interest in your childs nappys contents. Or focus your mind to talking about what your friends are interested in too.

Incidentally, I kept ONE of my child free friends. She was happy to come to my house, spend days with me and my oldest, have evenings in at my house, etc. She never tired of listening to poo and goo.

She has just had her first. And now that I am far away from the baby stage, and thinking about KS2 for my youngest, SATS and getting my oldest into a good secondary school, my old good friend bore me senseless. I am now repaying her kindness and understanding, travelling to the far side of beyond to spend days with her and her child. Nodding sagely and sympathetically to her woes, sleepless nights, pures, milk, nap times, etc. I can forget about cinema trips, and dining out with her. For now. I cant wait until her child starts school! Maybe one day we will be on the same planet. Or I might have to procreate some more! grin

Hullygully Fri 11-Jan-13 09:49:26

Dharma, they really aren't interested in your child.

It isn't like a "new job" new jobs can be interesting to discuss, but little children aren't, "Oh he can walk now, or say "supercalifragi..." It doesn't compare.

When I had my first dc, none of my friends had kids and they all told me in later years how unspeakably dull it was...then they had kids and were sorry.

That's how it goes.

Be grateful if even your own family are interested...

adeucalione Fri 11-Jan-13 09:12:46

Oh good it's one of those AIBU where everyone tells the OP she is indeed BU but she gets increasingly cross about it and ultimately refuses to accept it.

You don't sound very nice OP - lots of good advice on here, and several thoughtful posts from people who don't have children, should you choose to listen.

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