to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

(194 Posts)
DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:14

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

Bonsoir Thu 10-Jan-13 14:26:02

I think that you are the minority party here (only person with a child) and you need to arrange babysitter.

DewDr0p Thu 10-Jan-13 14:29:06

We were the first of our friends and both families to have dcs so I know what it's like. People vary wildly in their appreciation of the nitty gritty of having small children ime.

Could you invite them to drop round to yours/you go and meet them all after the lunch? I'd say something like "oh it sounds fab but I think little Ds would be a nightmare in there - we'll sit out the lunch but why don't we meet up afterwards?" Or just arrange another catchup at your house or somewhere more appropriate.

Backtobedlam Thu 10-Jan-13 14:34:29

I have my own young kids but when arranging a girlie lunch/get together I often suggest inappropriate places for kids as I like the oppertunity to spend time alone with my friends. I have always just assumed everyone can get some else to have their children for a few hours, it sounds inconsiderate writing it now, but its never really occurred to me before. Your friends are probably the same, just don't think rather than doing it to exclude you. If there's no one who can have your ds suggest meeting them after for a quick coffee in a more child friendly place, or at yours.

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:36:06

Do you feel like its a lip service 'consideration'? like saying he can come and when will be good, but knowing full well its not do-able?

You do need some other friends though, who are happy with a bottle of wine and some nice food at one an others houses.

PrideOfChanur Thu 10-Jan-13 14:36:07

"Yabu, as others have said most of the group don't have children, they shouldn't have to arrange all thier girly get togetherness around you and your child."

In some ways,whyever not? They probably have more flexibility,barring work (Did you say if you work,OP?).I would be prepared to change when or where I met my friends quite a lot to actually see them,because the point is that I want to see my friends - where we go and what we do is secondary.Doesn't work if you want to do the activity but aren't bothered who with of course.

I think you need to look into childcare,so you can have some childfree time with friends when you want to,and tell your friends very clearly and specifically what would work for you,to see if you can find a compromise everyone is happy with

whois Thu 10-Jan-13 14:37:19

OP are you for real?

You are the only one of your friends who have children. They can't really meet for brunch during the week as they work.

There is no way they will want to go meet in soft play or a playground or another toddler suitable venue FFS.

I am 100% they don't want you to take the ankle biter and are meaning for you to get a babysitter.

So either don't go, or find a babysitter. Plenty of agencies or you must know some other parents who can recommend a sitter.

Or you could arrange a get together add that way you can choose the venue. But to be honest you sound like you don't like them very much anyway.

grumpyinthemorning Thu 10-Jan-13 14:37:43

Seems I'm tho only one, but i think it's unfair of your friends to not make allowances for the fact you have a child. I'm very lucky, my friends all adore DS and make a point of not arranging stuff at places I can't take him, or checking I can get a babysitter when arranging evenings out. I understand having a child changes your life, but how many of these "friends" will complain that it's not fair when it happens to them?

The suggestions to make "mummy" friends - I see absolutely no reason to completely change your friendship group when you become a parent. It's nice to be able to still feel like you.

Look into local babysitters, but also ask your friends to make a few allowances. It won't kill them.

AmberLeaf Thu 10-Jan-13 14:41:25

You're not the only one grumpy, I agree.

sweks Thu 10-Jan-13 14:42:19

I know how you feel dharma. Similar thing happened to me, in fact they just stopped inviting me! I think if you explain how you feel and they are good friends they will be more flexible. They may just need things spelling out to them. I felt they weren't interested in my child and that was hurtful but when I explained how I felt, I realised how wrong I had been in assuming this!
I do agree sometimes you need to meet up with them without kids but in this particular case if they knew your situation ie hubbie working, no one to look after your son, and they really wanted you to come out they can plan to go to a more child friendly place eg nice pub restaurant.
Suggest an evening meet up with friends without son, then you all get the best of both worlds.

YABU. You've got a cheek expecting anything. Didn't you get the official notification that nothing you want counts for anything once you gave children. Funnily enough I didn't know this and it was Mumsnet of all places that told me I was a non person for having children.

MulledWineAndScully Thu 10-Jan-13 14:43:21

I'd be embarrassed if my friends made compromises around me and my DD.
I'd much rather they did what they wanted and either I wouldn't go, or I'd get a babysitter.

I definitely don't think you should take your DS to this venue anyway - it sounds like a total nightmare and I don't think your friends, or the venue, will thank you for it.

justmyview Thu 10-Jan-13 14:45:30

Do you really only have 2 people you could ask to babysit? I'd suggest you try to cast the net a bit wider. You might be able to join in just for the main course and then scoot off

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 14:46:36

Whois
Maybe reading some of OP before commenting.. No one suggesting meeting in the week, nor am I suggesting a soft play either and yes I am for realconfused

grumpyinthemorning
Thanks I was feeling like I might be going be crazy asking or compromise, esp bearing in mind my latter posting!

MulledWineAndScully Thu 10-Jan-13 14:46:36

But the friends WANT to go to the venue. Why should they not go just because one member of the group has a child, and it's a non-child-friendly place?

They have 3 choices - either don't go (why should they?), or go and don't invite the OP (which would be worse for her), or go and do invite the OP and hope she can get childcare. They've quite sensibly gone for the latter.

MulledWineAndScully Thu 10-Jan-13 14:48:26

By the way OP I do sympathise, I of all people know how difficult it is, and I have zero social life.... I'm jealous of the fact you even still get invited to stuff! envy

sooperdooper Thu 10-Jan-13 14:52:14

I'm assuming that during the last 2.5 years you've had your DS you must've met up on some occasion without him, and some times with?

Just accept that not every social situation is going to be child-friendly, possibly (I'll probably get stoned to death for this) they do want to have an adult get together without kids, especially if they don't have any themselves, which is perfectly reasonable

If you don't want to go on this particular occasion then just don't go - and you make a suggestion of where/when you next meet up that's more convienient for you (and accept that it may not be convenient for them)

witchface Thu 10-Jan-13 14:52:58

My friend was the first to have children. Suddenly everything had to revolve around him. I would make allowances and go places which were suitable for a baby/toddler but i hated it. I did not adore him. I never got to actually speak to her. It never occurred to her to get a babysitter.

Now i have my own it is no different. I still do not adore her child (now children) and i would much rather we got babysitters and did something adult for a change.

People make a huge mistake when they think others will think their little darlings are amazing.

Viviennemary Thu 10-Jan-13 14:55:22

I suppose you've a right to feel a bit peeved that your son wasn't taken into consideration. But if none of the rest of the group have children they are unlikely to want to go to a place with lots of children and soft play areas and the like. I wouldn't really. The only way round it is to suggest a meeting in the evening when you can go without your DS.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 14:56:00

MulledwineAndScully its few and far bwtween these days, which is why I'd like to go and catch up. I think maybe they just don't get having kids which is why getting together always seems to be a real struggle between what's achievable for them vs me sad

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 14:57:04

Girlie nights with my friends always end up being at my house, because im the only with my own house, i have a child and while my friends are understanding of this, i do sometimes prefer to be, Greg and not just Mummy all the time.

ivykaty44 Thu 10-Jan-13 14:57:56

Op why don't you invite your friends round to your place one vening when your dc is in bed - that way you can all have a catch up and girly chat without having to worry about your dc as they will be asleep in bed. You could plan to order a take away and sink a couple of bottle of wine.

If you take charge of the organising of some events get togethers then you will get to go to said gatherings.

On the lunch date - can you not turn up later after they have eaten so you can see them for a while and have a drink - but not let your dc get bored with a long lunch? You are a mother now and sometimes you will have to make sacrifices - sorry but you can't just go out and do stuff you did before

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:14

GwendolineMaryLacy grin I think I missed that email

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Thu 10-Jan-13 15:01:15

Could you rearrange for a date when you CAN get one of your babysitters?

sooperdooper Thu 10-Jan-13 15:03:19

I think maybe they just don't get having kids which is why getting together always seems to be a real struggle between what's achievable for them vs me

And why should they, they don't have them smile

They proabably want a child free catch up - I know sometimes when I see my friends and they bring their kids it's just a running commentary of them talking to/about the child, not an adult conversation, which can get quite wearing tbh

sweks Thu 10-Jan-13 15:04:08

BTW ... Now all my friends have children and mine are a bit older I am the one compromising on places we go and when. That's what good friends do IMO

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