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to be upset that friends don't take DS into consideration?

(194 Posts)
DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 12:10:14

first time posting on MN, but I needed to rant to someone! I have a group of 5 or so friends, all without children. They've arranged a girlie get together(which is nice, but only arranged by said friend as she's been on fantastic holiday and wants to brag, sorry, share, her stories ((Not bitter really!))).

The brunch is planned for a weekend at a rather posh and stuck up restaurant which is NOT child friendly! Last time they made me leave my buggy on the street as they didn't want it inside the premises (there was room inside).

My DH works on weekends (they know this) and I don't have anyone to leave DS with, so if I want to go I need to bring my DS. Sitting at a posh restaurant on a sunday afternoon for a couple of hours with my 2.5 yr old DS is not my idea of a fun time, and thats if he even sits still, doesn't have a tantrum and doesn't throw food for 10 mins! I wouldn't mind so much but this is the millionth time I've tried to explain what it's like to have a 2.5 year old!!

At the end of my rope with said group of friends, and ready to have a tantrum of my own. Advice needed from wise MN on dealing with it and still maintaining friendships whilst getting my point across to them!

Patchouli Thu 10-Jan-13 12:56:57

So, now you're saying that they are considering your DS?
(naptimes/schedule etc)

BertieBotts Thu 10-Jan-13 13:00:26

A play date sounds like a perfect idea if you can arrange it - do you know any other mums through playgroups etc?

They probably don't understand what it's like to have a toddler, and they won't do until they have their own. 2.5 is a tricky age for eating out because they're old enough to be annoying with the mess creation rather than cute, and yet not old enough to sit quietly with a colouring book or join in the conversation etc. It only really works at something like a family event where everyone's prepared to chip in at keeping the toddler entertained/involved a little bit - unlikely with an adult ladies' lunch.

SamSmalaidh Thu 10-Jan-13 13:00:39

Well they are doing their best to consider your DS! Why haven't you suggested a more suitable venue if there is somewhere he could sit quietly and behave nicely?

Why haven't you suggested a more suitable venue if there is somewhere he could sit quietly and behave nicely?

Is that possible for a 2 year old? grin My DS was well behaved but not sure about the sitting nicely bit, lol.

SamSmalaidh Thu 10-Jan-13 13:06:40

Depends on the 2 year old of course, but I have taken my DS out for many restaurant lunches/dinners and he can behave fine. Though we always go to Pizza Express/Giraffe/Las Iguanas type places - not Maccy Ds but not super posh grin

crunchbag Thu 10-Jan-13 13:12:07

I'd think that a posh restaurant would be a better place to find somewhere quietly to sit than pizza express, especially in the weekends.

Patchouli Thu 10-Jan-13 13:24:47

It's a shame too as it sounds like you just can't wait to hear about the holiday.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 13:25:13

BertieBotts you are so right! It has been fine when he's being cute but when he starts playing up and tantruming when bored then he will be handed back to me, which is of course as it should be!

flowery Thu 10-Jan-13 13:33:04

I wouldn't want to bring a child to a girly lunch tbh, I want to concentrate on catching up with mates rather than miss half the conversation and not be able to properly relax, and would see meet-ups with childless friends as an opportunity.

Rather than getting fed up because the group don't go places which are child friendly, why not just never bring DS with you when you meet up with those friends and ask if future meet ups can be in the evening and/or find yourself a weekend babysitter so you can get some me time.

neolara Thu 10-Jan-13 13:39:15

I'm not sure finding an alternative restaurant is a viable option. Most 2 1/2 year olds will struggle to sit still or play quietly without running around for longer than about 20 mins. So unless the "new" restaurant has a playground / play space attached, I reckon it's going to be hideous anyway. And your childless friends, who have picked an upmarket restaurant, probably would rather stick pins in their eyes than go to a playbarny place. As frankly would I if I had a choice, and I have 3 kids.

Happilymarried155 Thu 10-Jan-13 13:46:40

Yabu, as others have said most of the group don't have children, they shouldn't have to arrange all thier girly get togetherness around you and your child. Maybe find a babysitter or explain you can't come this time as its not a suitable place to bring DS but you hope to come next time!

purplefairies Thu 10-Jan-13 13:49:22

I'm a bit shocked by the number of threads telling the OP basically to drop her friends and find new mummy friends. As the childfree one in a group with two close friends pregnant, I find that quite hurtful (and it doesn't leave me very optimistic about the future). Her friends might be thinking they're doing her a favour giving her an opportunity for a break from her DS.

sooperdooper Thu 10-Jan-13 13:49:53

YABU, it works for the majority of the group - if it doesn't work for you, don't go

Next time why don't you make the plans instead? I think you're being a bit silly tbh

Mayisout Thu 10-Jan-13 13:54:23

So you have a hard-working DH and a gorgeous 2.5 yr old DS - they are single and have no DCs. And they won't make an effort to accommodate you.

Hmmmmm mystery to me, you'd think they'd love to have their noses rubbed in the fact that they are still single to alter their plans to suit their one married friend with a DC.

I was hugely jealous of friends with partners when I was still single.

StuntGirl Thu 10-Jan-13 13:54:32

But they are considering your DS, they just don't 'get' that there's more to consider than nap times.

Try and get a babysitter for this one, or say thanks for thinking of us but it really isn't somewhere suitable for children, but you can't wait for a catch up another time. And then take the bull by the horns and organise that one yourself, that way you'll know definitively that you'll have a babysitter/child friendly place/delete as appropriate.

thebody Thu 10-Jan-13 13:54:44

Not saying drop these friends but its horses for courses. You don't just have one group of friends do you? I have lots of different groups, some younger than me some older. Some child free wild ones and some really staid mums. Different venues and different activities.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have lunch with a 2 year old ( except as a cm) as mine are now all older.

I don't see the problem. Leave him babysat or don't go. Of course he will dominate the lunch that's what toddlers do and I expect your friends would be bored ridged if they are childless and you will end up hairless.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 14:01:03

LynnieP and some OP on here
I think you have to accept they arent willing to change their 'requirements' for you, and tbh I don't really see why they should, since you are quite outnumbered as a parent. Its a shame, but it happens. You need to find childcare, or not go.

I was very much of this frame of mind BC, but having kids has changed my opinion somewhat on what I will do to remain in touch with this particular group. I am prepared to make concessions for others (and have made many) Things like choice of restaurants; (nearer for those who don't drive, are veggie/meat-eaters/don't like a particular cuisine/ ex-boyfriend works within 10 mile radius, etc ; going out and standing in a packed bar when 6.5 months pregnant as it was someone's birthday and they would be miffed if I didn't go; waiting in a restaurant for 45 mins with a hungry baby as one of said friends was hungover. Yes, in all cases, I couldve not gone/left/not agreed, but as I said I wanted to make concessions and not feel like I was giving my friends just because I'd had a baby. Is is selfish to ask for a little bit in return? I'm ready to be flamed for this one!

MadBusLady Thu 10-Jan-13 14:03:23

I was very much of this frame of mind BC, but having kids has changed my opinion somewhat

Well, yes. So that tells you where your friends are now.

Have you articulated your needs to them? Really, you need to spell it out in letters a mile high, with no resentment or drama, and see what they do next. This stuff just won't be occurring to them for one moment, honestly.

WhateverTrevor Thu 10-Jan-13 14:05:46

You've ignored everyone who has suggested getting a babysitter.
You can either pay for one or ask one of your mum friends to have your ds in return for you doing the same for them.
If your dh works long hours you need to sort some childcare arrangements out.

I would not go to the venue with your ds as you will be stressed and not enjoy it and possibly spoil it for your friends.

wonkylegs Thu 10-Jan-13 14:06:21

I was (and still am in some areas) the first of my friends to have a baby (mines now 4)
I wouldn't expect them to rearrange plans to be child friendly but I wouldn't also write off places as being to posh for kids. We've posh taste in restaurants and that didn't stop when we had a kid... So DS has been for many a posh lunch. 2.5 is admittedly probably the hardest age but you must bring lots for him to do.
I've done similar lunches with a bag of treats, bribes, small toys, colouring, DVD player & headphones.... We've now also added iPad or iPhone to the mix, loaded with toddler games (Hatch! Is extraordinarily simple but has kept DS happy since he was 2)
Take him to the park for a run round first and you might even get a bit of a sleep too.
If you really can't face it you have 2 choices - babysitter or don't go.
It gets easier as more friends have kids but to be honest if you've got professional friends lots don't have kids til quite late (like mine) or at all - so posh lunches (thankfully) will still be on the cards for many years to come.

MadBusLady Thu 10-Jan-13 14:16:05

Are you sure you just don't really want to go? As in, don't feel up to a posh restaurant for some hair/clothes/arse size-related reason (and we've all been there), don't really want to sit and listen to someone banging on about their expensive holiday and so are inventing reasons why it's all outrageous and impossible?

I wouldn't blame you, but really if you don't want to go, then don't go.

Proudnscary Thu 10-Jan-13 14:17:44

Five of them, one of you. Majority rules.

I think it's you that's not really thinking about their wants and needs. They want to go somewhere swanky for a laugh and a catch up. They don't want to go to a 'child friendly' place where they will be interrupted constantly.

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 14:17:57

Absolutely not ignoring the babysitting suggestions. My normal one is not available and neither is back-up one unfortunately.sad

DharmaBums Thu 10-Jan-13 14:20:21

MadBusLady LMAO! You may very well be right and the seasonal plumage
weight gain doesn't help!

MadBusLady Thu 10-Jan-13 14:24:43

I have lurked under many a duvet on such occasions. wink Nothing wrong with bowing out once in a while, if it's not done resentfully.

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