AIBU to not take dd's homework to school

(65 Posts)
ClaraBean Thu 10-Jan-13 09:33:16

She will probably get a detention sad
She is in year 7 and I am so sick of her forgetting stuff all the time. It is not the first time I have had a phone call asking me to take homework to school.
She is forgetting to hand in important reply slips, we had to miss her winter performance because she forgot to get us tickets for two weeks. So we had to drop her off and stand outside waiting for her.
I have her a choice of coming home to collect it (and being late for school) or telling her teacher she will bring it in tomorrow (and probably getting a detention).
She is a really great girl, and excels at school, does lots of academic after school clubs, I just need her to take a bit of responsiblity for her stuff and her her homework.
So was IBU? I probably was wasn't I sad

gymmummy64 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:43:40

It's still early in Year 7. With my DD1, I had listened too hard to all those talks about how as a parent you have to be hands off in secondary school, let them take responsibility etc. I stepped back as instructed, but I stepped back too far and too fast and spent the first term driving homework and sports kit etc etc to school. I stepped in more in term 2, checked what homework she had, what kit she needed, etc, made sure she'd got it all organised the evening before - not so different to primary really. I even sent text messages reminding her to bring stuff home sometimes. Term 3, she really started to 'get' it and I've been hands off ever since. They all take different amount of time I guess

I had this when ds1 started Year 7 - he forgot a few things, and as we lived pretty close to the school, I took them up and met him at the office to hand them over - until the day when the secretary came out of the office and made a point of telling ds1 and I that I shouldn't be wandering into the school at all hours. I was a bit shock until, when ds1 had gone, she told me that it wasn't really that big a problem for the school, but that she had said that because she was sure I didn't want to spend my days running to and from school with things he had forgotten.

After that, I stopped taking stuff in for him, and if I remember right, he did have the odd detention for forgetting things - but he did gradually learn to be better organised. So I think YANBU to refuse to drop off the homework, OP, and to let her take the consequences.

Startail Thu 10-Jan-13 12:08:04

My school (nearest there was) was 12 miles away.

No chance at all of parents bringing stuff, you learnt the art of good excuses and looking very sorry.

Even when the truth was you hadn't bothered to do it.

I do take things, because the DDs don't ask to often and reception are very good about baby sitting hockey sticks and cookery bags.

I certainly do think they should learn from their mistakes, trouble is my two have clean detention sheets.

DD1 is in Y10, how on earth she's kept out of trouble that long I've no idea. But clearly Mother's name would be mud for spoiling it.

Primary dinner ladies is still mud for giving her her only red card.
(She and her best male friend were fighting, but she still maintains that was non of the dinner ladies business)

milf90 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:02:39

YANBU dont take it in, she needs to learn and for many kids it isnt even an option as their parents work doesnt allow it.

They are all different though. DD at 11 was super organised, had photocopies of her timetable in 3 different places, days of the week colour coded for PE, never forgot a book, kit piece of homework.
DS1 at 11, in fact ds1 still now at 13 is the opposite. He is not interested in being organised. However, no matter how many times he calls me, I will not take anything to the school, because I am at work. So he has very slowly got a bit better, with a lot of reminding-"have you packed your bag???"

fluffyraggies Thu 10-Jan-13 11:48:34

seeker - yes, sometimes it's not cut and dried is it?

From my point of view if i didn't take the DDs forgotten item, therefore dooming them to an after school detention, i would have to drive up anyway to pick them up 'cos they'd miss the school bus home!

<no win situation....>

meddie Thu 10-Jan-13 11:47:21

It depends on the situation Hully. If its someone who had 'form' for being flaky/disorganised then I would be reluctant too.
Its personal experience tbh. My mother was a bailer outer and it took me a long time to get myself organised etc even into adult life. It wasnt until there were consequences for me that I started to change.
Forgetting your homework= detention. not paying your council tax because you dont organise your finances = CCJ. Big difference and much bigger consequences as an adult. Its something that needs to be taught when they are young to develop good habits.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 11:47:00

she needs some consequences for her actions

That is all well and good, IF the consequence can bring about postive change.

I got the negative consquences, but all it did was lead me to believe the problem was who I was (Sarah is terribly disorganised!) rather than a prolem with something I was doing (like not having a good stratagy for keeping on top of things before they became a problem).

I sort of gave up trying to be organised cos I honestly believed after years of tears, negative lables and castigation that I was a lost cause.

It came as a huge shock to me that with a good plan (thank you sister of mine, I love you deeply) I could be organsied for my son, teach him how to be organised in a transitional manner and get it right. That experience is what led me to tentativly use similar stratagies for myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, have to fight old habits and mindset. But it has been more than a year since I have forgotten a lesson only to open the door to a student with me and the kitchen covered in flour and not a lesson plan in sight.

At least four years since I lost somebodies homework or forgot to mark it on time.

I'm not convinced that the law of natural consequences always has the outcomes people were anticipating from it.

seeker Thu 10-Jan-13 11:43:35

I don't think you can have a blanket policy. It depends on lots of things, and the consequences of forgetting. And whether they beg, or expect!

For example, I have taken in forgetten instruments before, because otherwise I have paid for a music lesson that wouldn't happen. And this morning, I took ds's PE top in because otherwise he wouldn't have been allowed to go and play in an inter school match this afternoon. But I let them get detentions for homework and bits of uniform.

fluffyraggies Thu 10-Jan-13 11:42:23

Havn't read all the thread but can empathise OP.

We live out in the middle of nowhere and once DDs all got to year 7 they had to start getting a bus to school (20 min car journey) and so forgetting something and me fetching it was suddenly a big deal. With each of them i did my best to help them establish a routine, and did provide a safety net for the first few months (depending on what it was, i would drive up with a forgotten lunch for eg.) but after that it was tough i'm afraid.

I think each of them suffered a detention at some point, just the once, for forgetting something. Then they learned to remember. It does teach 'em.

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:40:49

Would you help an adult, Meddie?

Or let them take consequences?

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 11:40:25

scared of giraffe

Oh don't be! She's luffly!

Patience of a saint even when explaining Set Therory (not even in a proper English translation) to a slightly hysterical mother up against the clock and a ten year old who just looked blank at the concept of letters/symbols in a maths book.

meddie Thu 10-Jan-13 11:39:40

I wouldn't take it in sorry. If she has done this more than once then she needs some consequences for her actions. A one off detention will not kill her and may be just what she needs to focus her mind a little more :D
From 11 both my children where responsible for all their gym kits for the week and any homework , letters etc. We had a few slip ups initially, but after that no forgotten items for the rest of their schooling.
I believe as a parent my job was to raise self sufficient independent adults and taking consequences for actions is a major part of that.

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:38:22

I would help anyone, child or adult that had ACCIDENTALLY forgotten something if feasible because it is the kind thing to do.

And as my DS points out, how can you know you've FORGOTTEN something if you've FORGOTTEN it?

The clue is in the word.

juule Thu 10-Jan-13 11:37:39

I agree with Hully.

I'd also take it in if I could.
If I couldn't because i had something else to do then my dc would accept that fact.

DS left his Science book upstairs on his bed accidentally, because he had spent all evening revising, so I felt sorry for him.

akaemmafrost Thu 10-Jan-13 11:34:40

YANBU.

But I would take it it because I am a softy.

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:34:02

What I think is that everyone is different.

No matter your desires, rules and expectations, some will be better at organising themselves than others just as some are better at sport or maths or drawing or abstract thinking.

It's unrealistic to have a blanket approach (I know you have to as a teacher, but that is different from a parent)

<hides behind Hully>

Hullygully Thu 10-Jan-13 11:32:17

<scared of giraffe>

noblegiraffe Thu 10-Jan-13 11:30:15

Helping your child out should mean going though their timetable, showing them how to get into a routine, teaching them how to pack their bag and maybe asking if they've packed their bag before they go to bed. It should not mean being on call all day just in case despite your best efforts they've forgotten something.
It's not a great impression to give your kids either, that mum (and it's never dad) has nothing better to do than sit at home all day waiting for a message to bring something in.
I've had kids forget their homework and when I've queried it pulled out their phone and say 'oh, I'll get my mum to bring it in by lunchtime'. I act suitably outraged and lecture them on how their poor mother no doubt has better things to do and under no circumstances are they to be dragged into school. The homework is marked as late, the kid accepts the consequences and also gets a lecture about packing their bag the night before.
I once had a parent scan in some missing homework and email it to me. I didn't accept that either.

I've noticed that kids seem to be worse at handing homework in, bringing the right books, having the right equipment these days than when I started teaching. They'll annouce that they don't have a pen, then look expectantly at me like it's my problem to sort. My current Y7 in particular (both pre and post setting) are awful. Independence needs to be worked on before they get to secondary.

DS is in Year 9 at a school 12 miles away. He texted me from the bus to ask me to Pleeeeease bring his Science book in. I did it because I could, and charged him petrol money.

Loquace Thu 10-Jan-13 11:16:01

I started with the organisation training when DD was in Primary. It got her used to checking her bag, seeing she had her stuff. Gentle repetition of "is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" "What do you need for school, is your bag ready?" "Any homework to take in?" I don't need to do anything to remind her now, she's 12.5 in Yr 8.

I did the same. Our children are similar ages, and while I never have to run anything in, (well I wouldn't even if homework were still physically handed in rather than uploaded to the school/teacher) I do still have to prod sometimes to make sure he is running the routine as perscribed to avoid a few last minute "OMG I forgot"s. The nearer it is to Yu Gi Oh tornament or other distraction the more likely the need for a poke. And he still needs my help to insert new elements into the "keeping on top of it all" routine if a new activity or similar gets added on. He comes up with a way to insert the new thing into his checks and routine, I tweak and talk over the whys of the tweak if needed, and then poke regularly for a while till it becomes habit.

I guess over time his abiltity to think of a good way to insert new stuff off the bat will improve til he doesn't need me at all, cos each time he does it his "cunning plan" tends to better than the previous time.

nokidshere Thu 10-Jan-13 11:11:10

I "helped" my son through yr7, reminded him in yr8 and now in yr9 he is totally organised and able to remember the things he needs to. I am currently doing the same for my yr7 son although he is already far more organised than his brother was at the same age.

The transition for primary to secondary is huge and I don't see any problem with helping out your child for that year, gradually transferring responsibility onto them.

I started with the organisation training when DD was in Primary. It got her used to checking her bag, seeing she had her stuff. Gentle repetition of "is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" "What do you need for school, is your bag ready?" "Any homework to take in?" I don't need to do anything to remind her now, she's 12.5 in Yr 8.

DS is in Yr4 and I started these things ages ago. I also get them to organise after school stuff, while overseeing things to ensure it's all done. I feel getting the DCs into these habits of checking at an early enough age will be beneficial in the long run.

I see helping the DCs to be able to organise themselves as a necessary step towards independence when older. I could quite easily run around after them, but I would not then be doing them any favours.

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