Tell me straight I am BU ain't I?

(127 Posts)
ruledbyheart Wed 09-Jan-13 12:38:51

So in the middle of a long standing argument with DP it means a lot to me and it has put me off the idea of having DC with him but alas I am pregnant and now the arguement is needing to me solved.

I have 3DC with STXH and we all have the same surname.
All DC are close in age and this baby will only be 3yrs younger then DC3 which means at some point they will all be in school together.

I want the baby to have my surname a surname I will be keeping after divorce so its the same as my DCs partner doesn't like this and says it should have his.

I dont want my DCs having different surnames and I dont want to have a different surname to any of my DC.

I don't want to double barrell the last name as 1 its still different and 2 all DCs have double barrelled first names and so will this one and two double barrelled names in one name is riduclous.

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.
I think DP who very much wants to be a family with me could change his surname if he wanted to have the same name as his dc, so why should it be me with a dc with a different surname instead?

AIBU?

mixedpeel Wed 09-Jan-13 16:58:00

Interesting debate, and I am quite shocked by how many people see OP's surname as her ex's name. I changed my name on marriage, but now very much see that surname as mine.

I get the points about OP's concern about different surnames not particularly being an issue, but coming out of the discussion is a really interesting assumption that the man's name should automatically be given to their child, and that OP's surname is not really 'hers', which I just can't agree with.

If the op is keeping the name then it isn't a third party's name, it'll be her name. It's not as if she's giving a child the ex's name without any connection to her, is it? This is why I replied as I did, because she's keeping the name.

Ultimately, it'll be down to discussion between her and her DP, but they'll both need to be open to ideas.

Perhaps they could all change to a completely new surname.

My DP and I have 2 DCs, who both have his name. Only because it's easier than mine, which is a double barrel. But as names don't have the same importance to me as they maybe do to other people, I wouldn't be bothered if we all had different surnames.

AllDirections Wed 09-Jan-13 17:05:43

If people feel it is unreasonable maybe you need to look at your reaction to the idea. Can you honestly be sure that it's not coloured by the old idea that a man's name indicated possession/ownership of children?

I agree and the strength of feeling on this thread makes me feel very uncomfortable.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 09-Jan-13 17:06:40

I have a different name to my 3DC's as well who have my DP's name. Just feel its a step to far to expect a new partner to have his baby have the same name as his partners ex. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like the poster will be open to discussion with her DP.

HollyBerryBush Wed 09-Jan-13 17:13:07

Now I could understand if he was close to his family (DP) but he has his dad's name who he cannot stand.

But it is also HIS name - whether he likes his father or not.

I'm old school - a child should have it's fathers name - save the feminist arguements on that everyone - I'm entitled to an opinion and you've all made the case for your beliefs so we don't need to rehash them..

However, OP, I see why you want to retain the same name for all your children - it makes life a great deal easier

Now you've said you use your exhusbands name, I can see why he is mighty mardy about it. You really expect a man to change his surname to that of partners ex husband? Quite an affront to his dignity.

I've got to say - YABU.

badguider Wed 09-Jan-13 17:23:39

I think it's totally fine for a child to have their mother's name rather than father's... but in this situation it appears like the new child is trying to pretend to have the same parentage as the existing children rather than celebrating the new child's relationship with their own father (dp) and it does look like an attempt to make the mother and children a single unit and sounds like they don't expect the dp/father to stick around sad.

carabos Wed 09-Jan-13 17:29:36

so it should have my name
But its not your name though is it? It's your STBXH's name - so in fact, strictly speaking, as things stand it is your husband's name.

Your baby should have either your maiden name or his / her father's name.
YABU.

Artesia Wed 09-Jan-13 17:30:57

I am confused- If you choose to take your husband's name when you get married, are you really only borrowing it? And would it be ok for people to refuse to use it even when you are married, because it's not your name, it's your husband's??

I changed my name when I got married, and my DS obviously then had the same surname as both of us. Exh then left and we are now divorced, but I have kept my married name for several reasons- partly because I didn't want a different name to my son, partly because i was known professionally by married name and would have been tricky to chamge it, but mainly because by that time it was MY name too.

If DFiance and I are lucky enough to have any more children, we will probably double barrel my (married) name and his name.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 09-Jan-13 17:34:14

Yab totally and utterly unreasonable in expecting him to be happy with your child together having another man's surname

Really? You are pushing for this? You are so wrong

Fakebook Wed 09-Jan-13 17:36:11

What a stupid thing you're suggesting. Like your dp is really going to like his child having your exh's surname! And what about your ex? Will he be happy with another person's child taking on his surname? There will always be this assumption that te fourth child is your ex's too. Would your dp be happy with that? No he wouldn't! Neither would your ex.

Stop being silly.

Mollydoggerson Wed 09-Jan-13 17:36:42

YABU it's not all about you.

DreamingofSummer Wed 09-Jan-13 17:38:23

You are being unreasonable and controlling and bloody minded all at the same time. Well done

PolterGoose Wed 09-Jan-13 17:39:57

I just don't understand how much importance people attach to the names we give our children, but I come from a family of name changers so we've all ended up choosing our own in adulthood anyway!

Me and dp have different last names. I really wasn't bothered about what ds would be named, dp chose his forenames and ds has dp's last name. Ds is my son (and dp's as well of course), I carried, birthed, fed and nurture him. His name is irrelevant. If he chooses in the future to change to my last name or one of his choosing, that is absolutely fine.

VitoCorleone Wed 09-Jan-13 17:57:53

YABVVU

I cant believe you thought this would be ok with your DP

katiecubs Wed 09-Jan-13 18:06:41

Glad you may have seen some sense here.

Have no idea why you would want to name the baby after your ex who it has nothing to do with?! (would ex not find this very odd too?!)

*The way I look at it Im carrying this baby Im giving birth to it and I will be the one doing all the hard work so it should have my name*

Nothing like a fair, equal and mature relationship to bring children into is there ?

Why don't you all take a completely new name ?
Tbh, I can't see any man being happy with his DC being given a partners ex's surname

DSM Wed 09-Jan-13 18:18:28

I reckon she gets how unreasonable she is being - we can all probably stop now grin

ArtemisatBrauron Wed 09-Jan-13 23:34:37

First ever post after long time lurking! I am horrified by how many people are saying things like "it's not your name, it's your ex-husband's" etc - if you go by that logic then her maiden name equally isn't hers either, it's her father's.

I changed my name when I got married and consider it to be MY name now (have published under it so won't ever be changing it no matter what happens!) OP is entitled to give her child HER name, just as much as her DP is - now they just need to negotiate a solution that works for them.

ArtemisatBrauron Wed 09-Jan-13 23:35:38

Katiecubs she wants to call the child after herself

Bumblebee333 Thu 10-Jan-13 01:01:51

Why dont you make an entirely new surname for all of you? Just make something up.

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 01:15:39

Your birth name and your married name do have different places in your life. I don't think that my married name becomes mine. If I divorced, I wouldn't keep it. I think it's odd.

My birth name isn't my fathers name. It is MY birth name that was given to me by the person registering my birth. It has sod all to do with my father, whether or not it happens to be the same.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 10-Jan-13 01:25:51

If your married name isn't really yours, why in the actual fuck do women change their names? Just to indicate that they're now owned by that particular man?

DSM Thu 10-Jan-13 01:36:26

Owned by a man?! Jesus.

Neither my birth name nor married name indicate any form of ownership. But my birth name is one I was given. My given name. My married name is one I chose to adopt in order to become a family, a unit.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Thu 10-Jan-13 01:40:36

It's very different to when you were in school.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 10-Jan-13 01:45:12

But you're not adopting it, if it's only conditional on the marriage continuing. You're fostering it.

Is it your name, or his name? If it's yours, it stays yours, and the OP's name is hers irrespective of her current marital status. If it's his name, then he's attaching it to you like a tag.

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