To not want to deal with DP anymore?

(109 Posts)
attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:34:17

MY DP has been out of work for over two years now. In Jan 2011 he was working in finance with a generous salary. but was made redundant as his boss wanted early retirement and closed the company.

In Feb 2011 dd was born and I am now 6 months pregnant with DC2 which is what we both wanted, we are delighted after trying for a year that I fell pregnant and feel very blessed.

I do a bit of book keeping in the evening when dd is in bed, but this pays only about £200 pcm. DP had a huge amount of savings and this is how we have managed to survive and pay the mortgage on his flat and live frugally for the past 2 years. (He had the flat before we met, we have been together for 5 years but not married - both fine with this.)

He has had job interviews (not many) but nothing has come of them. He is a wonderful man and father, but without a doubt, the type who waits for opportunities to come to him, rather than seeking them out.

I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. I take dd to as many classes/groups as I can to give us space but he is depressed (although refuses to admit it) as he has nothing to get up for.

I have tried everything, GP. counsellor, life coach, friends, family getting involved - I even got him a temp job but he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less.

I have now reached the end of what I can do for him. He will not listen to me or our family and I am at my wits end. Our money is literally about to run out. I have no income to move into my own place to give him the kick up the ass that he needs and also don't want to take the children away from him as dd and soon to be dc2 is his only purpose and focus.

Every day he gets up late, goes online or reads, watches the lunchtime news and does nothing. I give him jobs to do and force him to take dd to soft play and out in the afternoon so he has a focus. He does go the gym regularly which is something but it is like living with a depressed man of retirement age. I now am struggling to keep smiling and am becoming so stressed worrying about the future for us as a family.

Returning to work is not an option until I've had the baby and even then I would not be able to earn what he did and I don't think as a SAHD he would take both children out regularly and give them the interaction they need.

I don't know what to do - it is literally a case of he refuses to work. He won't make any effort and whatever suggestion you throw at him to retrain, try a different career he rejects it and won't help himself. I love him but cannot live this life for any longer - it's really affecting my health and wellbeing.

AThingInYourLife Wed 09-Jan-13 22:03:37

Great post, kungfu.

Proudnscary Wed 09-Jan-13 22:15:37

AThing was not spiteful, she was truthful. Truth hurts. Read this thread again tomorrow with a fresh head OP, and really hear what posters - an overwhelming majority - are saying to you.

HappyNewHissy Wed 09-Jan-13 22:36:16

OP: AIBU?

Mumsnet: YABU

OP: you're all soooo MEAN!

3smellysocks Wed 09-Jan-13 23:01:06

Athing. Her DH isn't into the child caring and so clearly wouldn't be the best SAHD at the moment. Also he is clearly depressed.

In your shoes I'd take DH down and sign on with him. Also make a GP appointment for him and go with him to discuss the depression.

I know you are looking after the kids during the day but is there anyway you could take on a bit more book keeping?

Also ask him to apply for a few jobs a week.

MrsBonkers Wed 09-Jan-13 23:11:41

I'd like a second child and the clock is ticking......
We can't afford it.
Shall I just get pregnant anyway???

NO, because that would be irressponsible!

Just hope we can afford it before its too late.

MysteriousHamster Wed 09-Jan-13 23:31:31

I just don't get why you didn't look for some work for yourself while he was at home, even if only temporary work. It seems as if you've simply gone 'well why should I' and that's that.

Your bookkeeping work - could you not have asked your partner to keep an eye on your child while you did that in the daytime? Then you could have either relaxed in the evening, or done bar work, or more bookkeeping work.

I'd have gone bonkers sat at home with my husband and child all day every day but with no money coming in.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 09-Jan-13 23:48:25

It's funny how many threads come back to the old chestnut of "how many hours working do you both have? / how many hours leisure do you both have?"

There's only one fair formula there, and it's to keep both figures broadly equal. Sure, there's wiggle room when one of you works heavy manual labour, or is breastfeeding a wakeful baby throughout the night. But most of the time, you should no be pulling a similar amount of weight work-wise and enjoying similar amounts of downtime.

For two years, he has been sittingon his arse fooling himself that he's too special to jobhunt, while you have raised and cared for your DD, jobhunted for him, and worked in the evenings.

Come on, now. You know that's not a fair split. You've let yourself be a mug. Why, for heaven's sake?

How can you respect a partner that's so deluded they don't think they need to work? Who you can't trust to mind his own child?

Does it not just eat away at the love and respect you ought to feel for your life partner?

Cabrinha Thu 10-Jan-13 00:28:44

Oh spare us the "you don't know what it's like to be told you're unlikely to have children" line.
You know what? My first child: IVF. My second child: doesn't exist. Cos, y'know - cant afford another.
It's harsh, but them's the breaks.
I actually have a lot of sympathy for prioritizing children (long term happiness) over short term issue. Low income? Go for it, you'll manage. But NO income? (£200 really doesn't cut it).
You should have resolved this before TTC.
And the line about fertility... This wasn't your first child, you'd been lucky once. Just because you've had trouble conceiving, gives you no more right to ignore practicalities than anyone else.

flow4 Thu 10-Jan-13 01:18:00

OK, I haven't read the entire thread, but from what I have read, I'm perhaps going to go against the grain here...

OP, you have my sympathy. I was in a similar situation with my Ex - or rather, his position was similar to your DP's though my own was different to yours, because I was the main earner as well as the main home-maker...

I think people under-estimate how difficult it is to live with someone as depressed and inert as your DP sounds. Like yours, mine wouldn't get a job, and was convinced he 'deserved' something great, but wouldn't do anything to make it happen. He signed on, but then even that became 'too difficult' so he signed off. He loved the children, and minded them while I was at work; but he just watched films and played music and went for walks, and I often came home to hungry kids as well as a trashed house. sad

Eventually, it all became too much for me. I had one lot of counselling, then another, and was prescribed anti-ds. With hindsight, although it sounds odd to say it, I think that kind of depression is almost infectious: if you live with someone who is seriously depressed, it can also drain the energy from you. I can easily see how you have got into a situation where you have become passive and helpless too...

You need to break the cycle, for your DCs' sake, as well as your own. If you don't, I think your situation will continue to spiral downwards. I split up from my Ex, but he is still depressed, and (8 years on) has just got his first bit of part-time work in almost 20 years. He has become a heavy dope smoker as well as a drinker. Like your DP, he had an inheritance - around £100K - which he blew - it is all gone. shock

I think there are several ways you can 'break out' of this. You could get a job. Or get counselling. Or start some studying. Or move house. Or make a resolution to do something new. Or yes, you could leave him.

(Oh and BTW, leaving him does not mean you have to 'take the kids away from him'. My Ex and I have stayed living very close to each other - about a third of a mile apart - because this means he and DS2 (not so much DS1) can keep up their very close relationship. I found it very difficult at first (bumping into each other in the local shops, for instance), but it has become easier over time).

IMO it does not matter what you do at first; it matters that you do something. Once you have broken the pattern of helpless inertia, things will start to move and improve again for you. Betcha! smile

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