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To not want to deal with DP anymore?

(109 Posts)
attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:34:17

MY DP has been out of work for over two years now. In Jan 2011 he was working in finance with a generous salary. but was made redundant as his boss wanted early retirement and closed the company.

In Feb 2011 dd was born and I am now 6 months pregnant with DC2 which is what we both wanted, we are delighted after trying for a year that I fell pregnant and feel very blessed.

I do a bit of book keeping in the evening when dd is in bed, but this pays only about £200 pcm. DP had a huge amount of savings and this is how we have managed to survive and pay the mortgage on his flat and live frugally for the past 2 years. (He had the flat before we met, we have been together for 5 years but not married - both fine with this.)

He has had job interviews (not many) but nothing has come of them. He is a wonderful man and father, but without a doubt, the type who waits for opportunities to come to him, rather than seeking them out.

I am now entering the third year of him unemployed and it is unbearable. He has been at home with me EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 2 years and it is stifling. I take dd to as many classes/groups as I can to give us space but he is depressed (although refuses to admit it) as he has nothing to get up for.

I have tried everything, GP. counsellor, life coach, friends, family getting involved - I even got him a temp job but he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less.

I have now reached the end of what I can do for him. He will not listen to me or our family and I am at my wits end. Our money is literally about to run out. I have no income to move into my own place to give him the kick up the ass that he needs and also don't want to take the children away from him as dd and soon to be dc2 is his only purpose and focus.

Every day he gets up late, goes online or reads, watches the lunchtime news and does nothing. I give him jobs to do and force him to take dd to soft play and out in the afternoon so he has a focus. He does go the gym regularly which is something but it is like living with a depressed man of retirement age. I now am struggling to keep smiling and am becoming so stressed worrying about the future for us as a family.

Returning to work is not an option until I've had the baby and even then I would not be able to earn what he did and I don't think as a SAHD he would take both children out regularly and give them the interaction they need.

I don't know what to do - it is literally a case of he refuses to work. He won't make any effort and whatever suggestion you throw at him to retrain, try a different career he rejects it and won't help himself. I love him but cannot live this life for any longer - it's really affecting my health and wellbeing.

Gumby Tue 08-Jan-13 14:38:23

Does he sign on? Is he on meds for depression?

ShamyFarrahCooper Tue 08-Jan-13 14:40:50

He is completely in a rut isn't he? It's such a horrid cycle though. You get so bored, you are too bored to do anything. He doesn't get to opt out though. He is a dad, you are fairly heavily pregnant.

If he gets up late, does he get up before/after your dd?
What about housework/childcare/cooking etc? Who does it?

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:42:13

No he doesn't sign on as we did have savings and he refuses to sign on now.

He won't even see the GP, let alone take any meds....

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:43:40

He does pull his fair share as I insist he does, but I don't want him doing cleaning, I want him happy and WORKING and out of the flat.

He sounds depressed. My DH has periods out of work and gets very bleak, the longer he has no work, the less inclined he gets to find some.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Is he actually being pro-ctive about finding this high level corporate job he wants?

You have my sympathy, it's horrid living with someone who is reluctantly un-employed and no way could I have tried for another baby with DH when he was like that.

Good luck and hope he pulls his finger out of his arse soon.

scarletforya Tue 08-Jan-13 14:47:14

he wants another high level corporate job and refuses to settle for anything less

Beggars can't be choosers. He's a passenger OP. You've given him fair warning and he refuses to listen, there's nothing more youn can really do.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 14:50:20

What on earth were you both thinking just draining your savings dry like this? What were you thinking of getting pregnant again without a stable income? Did you not see this huge gaping problem looming on the horizon?

He refuses to sign on.
He refuses to get a job.
He refuses to go to interviews.
He refuses to see a GP.

Is there anything he does do?

You can't help those who won't help themselves. You need to start planning a strategy to care for yourself and your children without his help.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:51:11

Well, what can I do? I have no money and feel trapped. I have lost all respect for him and can't continue like this anymore.

He is doing nothing - every day he says the same things: "Job market is so tough". I am sick of hearing it, he won't retrain, he won't do anything.

He comes from a very entitled family and never had a pt job etc growing up and I suppose has always had opportunities handed to him on a plate.

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 14:53:15

This sounds very similar to when DP was made redundant from a company he was with for 17 years. He was basically shafted and it sounds as though your DP was.

Is there any chance of selling up, relocating to a cheaper area and buying somewhere outright? Then you aren't so reliant on finding such highly paid work and you won't be under the same pressure. It was the best decision we ever made.

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 14:53:22

Have you spelled it out to him the way you have in your post to us? Is he aware that he is on the verge of making you ill and possibly losing you and the DC unless he get a job?

If you have, and it's still not working, then you either need to resign yourself to life being this way indefinitely, or you leave. You could try a temporary separation on the basis of needing some time apart from him and time to collect your thoughts about the future of your relationship. That doesn't commit you to the relationship being over, and leaves him something to work on, but does make it clear how serious this is.

Ultimately, while his depression is very understandable and I have a lot of sympathy for him, refusing to get a job unless it's one he deems up to his standards, is immature, selfish behaviour not befitting a man with a family to care for. Even a lowly job is better than none at all and it doesn't have to be forever, just until something better comes along. Depression is not an excuse for self-indulgence and selfish behaviour and never has been.

Hope you resolve things.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:56:11

Well, StuntGirl they were his savings in his name. I can't access his account and just take and hide them. it was his choice to run them down, I have asked and pleaded with him to work every day/week/hour but he will not.

I thought he would be working again, he kept promising he would.

I don't regret getting pregnant again in the slightest. My dd will have a sibling and as they are close(ish) in age together, eventually I will be able to have a career again when they are at school etc. If I have to bring them up together on my own, so be it, that doesn't scare me in the slightest.

TheSecondComing Tue 08-Jan-13 14:56:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 14:59:35

I have just applied for tax credits yesterday as it happens as all the savings have gone.

I applied in both of our names as I'm still living with him at the moment.

TheSecondComing Tue 08-Jan-13 15:08:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 15:08:31

If you're not afraid of raising them alone then I think you need to do that, even temporarily. You cannot help those who won't help themselves. If you have tried everything you've said on here you have two options, as Dahlen said "either...resign yourself to life being this way indefinitely, or you leave."

He has to get a job. And sign on until he gets that job. Even if your long term plan is that you return to work full time and he becomes a stay at home dad he must bring some money home in the mean time. You can hardly subsist on fresh air can you?

Can you increase your part time work at all in the short term?

Have you sat down with your budget with him and shown him in black and white, facts and figures the reality of your situation?

mistlethrush Tue 08-Jan-13 15:09:58

I can sympathise as DH was unemployed for 14 months at the beginning of the downturn - company went under and he didn't even get redundancy from them (probably still owed £20k). However, the difference is that, for the 6 months he got job seekers, he was submitting up to 20 applications a week for jobs. A minimum of 4 per week. These were not small applications either - sometimes the forms went to 20 pages. He was rejected by them all - either he had too much experience or was over qualified or there were so many candidates that one in an existing job was chosen.

He did get a job eventually - it was one that he could do standing on his head - but it got him back working. And it was only a temporary contract, but having had that one he got another - OK it was working away during the week, but again that was better than not working. From that he got another one that has now been extended 3x so that he's been working there 2 years rather than the expected 6 months. But it took networking, changing course and a lot of determination to get there.

I'm certain he was depressed during this time - its not surprising - but he still stuck at it and eventually got what he deserved.

He needs to realise that he needs to change tack and what he wants / expects is not necessarily going to fall in his lap (particularly if he's been out of work for so long). I think you need to take action and make it clear that he needs to sort himself out otherwise you're going to have to make other plans for you and your dc to ensure their future happiness.

attheendnow Tue 08-Jan-13 15:14:04

There is no point talking to him anymore. I have had over two years of talking, reasoning, pleading, crying, begging, shouting, bribary - nothing works.

As I said I even found him a job and he refused to do it saying he was too overqualified.

I suppose I don't know where to go from him. Apply for social housing for me and the children, before or after the baby is here? And then what will I survive on benefits? I have no savings and such a tiny income that I will struggle to work every night with a toddler and newborn especially if breastfeeding for at least the first couple of months, but if that's the only option so be it. I don't have any claim on his property.

RedHelenB Tue 08-Jan-13 15:19:55

I don't see how you can call him a passenger when it is his flat & his savings that have tied them over Scarlet

Could you sned his cv to some agencies that specialise in whatever it is he does?

Could you get a job - he would have to then cope with the childcare if you were earning the money plus it gives you the financial backup if you do decide to move out.

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 15:25:15

It sounds like you are, rightly, at the end of your tether.

Have you explicitly told him that his continuing selfish behaviour is making you question staying together? Would the thought of losing you and the children kick him into some kind of action? Or have you already laid those facts out for him?

If I were you I would start looking into what would happen if you leave. As far as I'm concerned you're only pre-empting the inevitable when the house is repossessed anyway. Better to make a pro-active decision now than be caught on the hop.

I think I would go for before the baby; I would want some degree of security before my baby arrived, rather than face no money and the possibility of losing my home after it's born. I'm sorry you're having to face these decisions.

maddening Tue 08-Jan-13 15:25:47

Sounds like he's buried his head.

Can you put together a cv with him and get it uploaded to all the sites and actively apply with/for him.

Get him to a careers advisor and see what refresh education is out there? As the finance world is moving on without him.

Is he prepared to go for lower salaried jobs?

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 15:29:32

If you want to find out about what help you can get to set up home as a single parent, contact your local Citizens Advice and ask for an appointment with the benefits advisor. It's not easy but many women in your situation cope, and there's no reason to think you won't either. If nothing else, not having the stress of living with your DP but having the self-respect that comes from taking positive action about your situation will make it feel 10x better than what you're feeling right now.

maddening Tue 08-Jan-13 15:31:17

Saw that he is not happy to go for lower value jobs - maybe 2 yeara ago but now he has depleted his worth by being out of work for longer - if he had taken a lower job and he is worth more then he would have had the opportunity to work back up.

He definitely needs to have someone look at his skill set and job history to spell out his expectations now.

LaCiccolina Tue 08-Jan-13 15:33:51

I think very very sadly that unless you tell him how you feel nothing here will change.

All the suggestions are great, however if he doesn't know how close this is to his family falling apart then no suggestion will work.

Do you have a friend/family to stay with? I suggest you talk to him and if needs be leave for a short bit. He may go steeper down first. But this present situation can't continue.

See a lawyer, you may have claim on flat, you definately do on income as kids involved.

Best wishes. I'm so sorry.

Dirtymistress Tue 08-Jan-13 15:36:25

Can I ask why you decided to have another baby?

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