to return this letter to sender unread?

(301 Posts)
cheddarcheeselover Tue 08-Jan-13 12:16:00

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

Narked Tue 08-Jan-13 12:32:14

Please don't open it. If you read it her words will stick with you forever, however you respond. Send it back. It's such a cowardly and unpleasant thing she's done, she doesn't deserve your time and attention.

I don't agree that it will always drive you mad if you don't read it, I think you'll forget it and move on much more quickly than you imagine.

Tee2072 Tue 08-Jan-13 12:33:23

At least she warned you. I got blindsided by an email recently.

I should have stopped reading when she started it with 'I hope this won't offend or make you mad and you can take it in the good spirit in which it is intended.'

And then went on to a numbered list of everything I am doing wrong with my son.

Thanks Mom.

financialwizard Tue 08-Jan-13 12:34:33

This is the sort of attention seeking bollacks my Mum pulls. Bin it, and then hunt out the stately homes thread on relationships. I think it will open your eyes.

HDee Tue 08-Jan-13 12:34:33

Might she be telling you she has cancer or something and has decided against treatment, hence the not wanting an argument? It might not be a criticism of yo at all.

atthewelles Tue 08-Jan-13 12:35:32

I would just toss it in the bin unopened. If your mum tries to discuss it with you just tell her you haven't read it and you 'don't want an argument and don't want to discuss it' and hang up.

Librarina Tue 08-Jan-13 12:36:04

Could you ask someone you trust to read it - then if it is health related you can deal with it, but if it's just cowardly nagging you can comfortably ignore it.

I'd read it - I'm very nosy!

DolomitesDonkey Tue 08-Jan-13 12:36:05

I would send it back unread.

The message is simple "I want to hurt you" - it doesn't matter what the actual words are.

Bin it. Don't mention it to her. Let her stew.

If she asks, say you didn't want to have an argument and you didn't want to discuss it so you thought it best not to read it at all.

Don't read it, you won't get the words out of your head once they're in there.

Oh, and let her calls go through to the answerphone for a bit. If she asks why you're not answering, send her a text saying "I don't want to have an argument and I don't want to discuss anything".

Actually you can use "I don't want to have an argument" as an excuse not to visit/talk to/write to her whenever you haven't got the strength for her. Lovely ammunition she's just given you there.

Narked Tue 08-Jan-13 12:38:04

'The message is simple "I want to hurt you" - it doesn't matter what the actual words are'

^ this

PaellaUmbrella Tue 08-Jan-13 12:39:43

YABU. You don't know what's in the letter, and she's taken the time to write it. I couldn't not read it

So, she wants you to read this letter, a letter she's already said you wouldn't like, and AFTER you've read it she will not discuss its contents with you? shock

Your mother is a piece of work.

Send it back unopened. Perhaps with a note that you are not willing to discuss your reasons for doing so, and if she asks you will change the subject/put the phone down/leave.

It really doesn't matter what is in this letter. The manner of its sending and the conditions she wanted to impose are all that counts really. Returning it unopened will rob her of the nasty satisfaction she was after.

If you can, minimise your contact with this woman. She doesn't sound as if she adds anything to your life.

LoopsInHoops Tue 08-Jan-13 12:41:04

sad Hope you're OK smile

CailinDana Tue 08-Jan-13 12:41:05

100% agree with Bertha. Your mother is clearly hoping that you'll ring her wanting to discuss the letter and she'll be able to make you look like the unreasonable one. Don't send it back, just throw it away, and if she mentions it just say "I thought you didn't want to discuss it?" That'll drive her mental!

ProphetOfDoom Tue 08-Jan-13 12:43:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merlottits Tue 08-Jan-13 12:44:11

What an absolute cow. Sounds like my mother. Do NOT read it. If you do she is the winner. I also agree to sending it back unopened or binning it and telling her you have done this.

My life is a bit like yours at the moment (opposite shifts and overweight) and I would hate a passive aggressive tirade.

Chin up. Don't let the bitchbag win.

Return it unopened, and get caller ID for the phone and just don't answer if it's her. She wants to hurt you, and your best option is to disengage with her.

Viviennemary Tue 08-Jan-13 12:45:20

I would just read it. A lot of people have difficult parents and they just have to accept that. It took me nearly a lifetime to accept I wouldn't ever please my Mother. This probably doesn't help you. But you can't apply logic to her. But if you think the letter will upset you then maybe after all there isn't much point in reading it.

Return it unopened. As another poster said the only way to respond is not to play the game.

Concentrate on yourself and your family.

Live your life and be happy.

DoodlesNoodles Tue 08-Jan-13 12:46:25

I would send it back, unopened and not mention it again. Try and she in company (for moral support) and if she starts criticising you either leave or refuse to listen.

Good luck.

Have a hug from me smile

Hattifattner Tue 08-Jan-13 12:46:27

bin it or store it away for when you feel stronger. But binning it would be better. You have to ask yourself if you value her opinion, especially as she has already told you its going to be negative. Even if its bad news about HER, she should talk to you if she really wants you to know/do something.

As soon as its open, you will want to read it, even if you get your DP to read it, the temptation will be there. I doubt it is in your best interests at the moment,

Was it sent recorded? If not you could claim it just never turned up...

veryworried29 Tue 08-Jan-13 12:50:26

I would read it and write back. Head your reply "You won't like this but I don't want to have an argument ..." and off you go. Perfect opportunity.

cheddarcheeselover Tue 08-Jan-13 12:52:13

This is the woman who used the fact I had an abortion against me in an argument, who tried to bribe me aged 9 to loose weight, who did she think was feeding me? Who pretty much ruined our wedding, who basically ensured that I had zero confidence and so got myself into awful relationships because I thought that was all I deserved. But she bought lots of presents and cooked all our meals from scratch, so she must be a good mother. Any time that anyone's watching she's an amazing mother, or over anything that people will 'see', and she'll go long periods when everything is fine, especially now I don't see her often, but then she'll do something that just ruins it all.
Nothing nice she ever does is unconditional.

lizzypuffs Tue 08-Jan-13 12:52:38

Send it back unopened. She's already told you you won't like it and when she says 'I don't want an argument' that tells you everything about whats in it...

Disengage. Especially since it is a stressful time for you at the moment. You just dont need this from her.

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