To not go to hospital with husband and baby

(158 Posts)

My OH has 6 monthly check ups at a specialist hospital for a long term serious health problem. This hospital is 2hrs drive away. He wont go alone, ive always gone with him, or his mum if i cant get out of work.

We now have a 7 month old. DH think me and baby should go with him next week. Its 2hr drive there, up to 2 hr wait in busy clinic then 2 hr drive home. Im refusing to go, i dont want baby in car seat that long, and think a clinic is not the place for a baby, particularly in noro virus season. He thinks im being really selfish. Its his mums birthday so doesnt think its fair to ask her. He wont go on his own. He gave me the old "well if somethings wrong it'll be your fault" angry

AIBU?

He wants me to go for company because he's always had someone go with him, not because he's worried about the appt. And because he wants to show the baby off to the staff. His condition generally shows itself as shit before the results do hence why i think its just routine. He DID say if i dont go with him he's not going and it'll be my fault if something is missed which i think is very childish. If it was me, id just go on my own just this once.

Nivet Sat 05-Jan-13 11:08:51

If he wants your support because he is nervous then I think you should give it. He's your husband, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

I will admit I am biased as I didn't go to a routine appointment with my husband (he didn't want me to), he was told he had cancer. sad I still feel like shit that he had to hear that on his own.

Lollybrolly Sat 05-Jan-13 11:09:18

Oh Ooops blush. Must read the OP correctly next time!!!!!!

Ilovegeorgeclooney Sat 05-Jan-13 11:09:40

Were the words 'in sickness and in health' in your marriage service?

As a widow whose husband die at 53 and a cancer survivor I think it is essential that you have someone else at any important medical appointment. In such a stressful situation you need someone else to check you have understood everything that has been said.

I always felt that marriage involved being there for each other and you being the one person in the world to whom they could reveal vulnerability and not have to 'grow a pair'.

I know this sounds sanctimonious but however annoying they can be you really, really miss them and would give anything for a two hour drive in their company!

Nivet Sat 05-Jan-13 11:09:42

Cross-post! Nah, fuck him then, tell him to grow up.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 11:11:07

Fair enough chaz and you're right, I did word that clumsily and i didn't mean to upset anyone - but that is really what I was trying to say in my last post. You find the screening stressful, but are happy to deal with attending appintments alone. The op's dh finds it stressful and wants someone to go with him. Everyone responds to health problems differently.

Lollybrolly Sat 05-Jan-13 11:12:23

Can you mix the trip to the hospital with a day out??? Is there anywhere worth going nearby the hospital?

Thats what we sometimes do on our long distance hospital trips that we all go on in an effort to make the day something other than just a hospital check.

But if its literally just for checks and unlikely he will be chatting to the consultant etc about future treatment etc then I dont think you need to go.

the ops dh doesnt find it stressful, just boring.

diddl Sat 05-Jan-13 11:13:21

Ah well if he really does just want company-buy him a book/Kindle to wile away the time?

theres nothing nearby, its a shitty part of london sad

ChocHobNob Sat 05-Jan-13 11:14:43

So would you go if his condition was showing itself as "shit"? You cannot possibly know for certain.

If I were your husband I would tell you to forget it and ask my Mum if she would come with me. You are not coming across as very sympathetic in your posts.

LIZS Sat 05-Jan-13 11:16:27

but presumably you don't need to stay that close by all day. Can't imagine any specialist hospital is in that dodgy an area really,or not within a reasonable distance of a park, shopping centre etc tbh you sound as if you don't want to try.

AngryGnome
You're right people do react and cope differently. I think that the OP and her DH need a good chat to understand what is going through his mind.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 11:22:53

chaz I agree - having a good chat about why he wants someone to come with him sounds like a good idea.

nancerama Sat 05-Jan-13 11:26:24

My DH has a long term health condition too and has to go for check ups at hospital 3 or 4 times a year. The trouble is that doctors do have a habit of talking at the patient without writing anything down for them and its easy to miss things without another person there.

The hospital may not welcome you bringing a baby to the check up though. When DH goes to his appointments with the specialist they ask us not to bring DS as they worry that germ carrying children can pass on infections to other patients, some of whom are very sick indeed.

Grapesoda Sat 05-Jan-13 11:28:57

Ooh" touGh one.
I wouldn't want to take a 7 month old on that trip without v good reason.
I don't think YAbu as his mum could go with him. Not sure what her birthday has to do with it. Could she babysit? Or have I missed something?
I would have thought he's lashing out at you because he's anxious.
Personally,I wouldn't expect my dh to bring our ds to an appointment with me, I would just go alone (and relish the few hours of quiet)

nickelbabylyinginamanger Sat 05-Jan-13 11:30:31

if it weren't noro virus season, I would take the baby and go.

but FFS, it's a routine appt, you've said he's not getting worse or likely to get bad news, so he's being very unreasonable guilt-tripping you into going with the baby.

even if you went on your own, you could get the virus and pass it on to your DC.

considering how many hospitals and other places have banned visitors because of the risk of spreading it, to voluntarily go to a place with sick people with a 7mo is insane!

Has his mother actually said she doesn't want to go with him too?

She is a grown woman. Unless it is a a big landmark birthday, why would she refuse just for her birthday? It would solve the problem if she went instead.

He could take her out to lunch or have some sort of treat to make up for it.

I do think your DH is being childish for saying that he won't go if you don't with him although I do think you need to get to the bottom of why he said this. It does sound like he just wants company because it is going to be boring from what you have said but maybe there is more to it than that? If he really wants you to go and is scared he will have to tell you because at the moment he just sounds childish. If you are supposed to be supportive, then he has to let you support him rather than hiding his concerns and guilt tripping you into going.

Really though, 2 hours each way with a child in a car seat, if DC is anything like mine, is a total nightmare and then trying to amuse a 7 mth old in a clinic which is not suitable for children of that age? Nope. I guarantee if you do it this time he won't be asking you again without finding a babysitter first.

Bilbobagginstummy Sat 05-Jan-13 11:44:33

This is one of those threads that makes me go shock.

I can't believe anyone would be so nasty as to refuse to support their husband for no good reason. And I can't believe how many people are saying she is right to refuse to support him.

How many nasty people there are in this world. sad

YABU * 50 million.

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 11:46:29

And the op on her vast medical experience knows her dh won't get bad news because "generally " things get worse hmm

Op - do you also avoid soft play, health visitor clinics, mother and toddler groups, restaurants cafes....

Feels more like the op has already made her decision.

And heaven help any mother who can't manage entertaining a 7 month old for a couple of hours in a hospital!

LIZS Sat 05-Jan-13 11:47:37

It is once in 6 months . You will have plenty of other reasons in future not to go . Taking a toddler would be much harder and then regular activities and preschool will get in the way , but I really think you are being difficult this time.

OwlCatMouse Sat 05-Jan-13 11:47:55

It's not nasty to suggest that a grown man go to a basic check up on his own! hmm

5madthings Sat 05-Jan-13 11:50:44

Yanbu and those that say she could go.how often have you had to sit in a hospital waiting room for hours trying to entertain a baby? Its horrible and hard work, having done it numerous times i wouldnt do.it unless i had to.

Btw if he does get bad news (which he wont as they have to wait for results if blood tests) then it wouldnt be great having baby with them anyway.

Op says herself he isnt nervous or anxious he just wants company and to show the baby off. Sorry but he can go on his own, take a book to.read and some photos of the baby if he wants to.

atacareercrossroads Sat 05-Jan-13 11:52:22

Yanbu, he needs to grow up and stop being a dick by threatening not to go. How old is he 10?

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 11:53:40

Bilbo - I quite agree. Really horrible thread

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