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To not go to hospital with husband and baby

(158 Posts)

My OH has 6 monthly check ups at a specialist hospital for a long term serious health problem. This hospital is 2hrs drive away. He wont go alone, ive always gone with him, or his mum if i cant get out of work.

We now have a 7 month old. DH think me and baby should go with him next week. Its 2hr drive there, up to 2 hr wait in busy clinic then 2 hr drive home. Im refusing to go, i dont want baby in car seat that long, and think a clinic is not the place for a baby, particularly in noro virus season. He thinks im being really selfish. Its his mums birthday so doesnt think its fair to ask her. He wont go on his own. He gave me the old "well if somethings wrong it'll be your fault" angry

AIBU?

LIZS Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:04

Can you not go along but drop him off at the clinic and take baby out nearby ? Or ask his dm to babysit. Presumably he , and you, have had 6 months' warning to make plans so assume your refusal is sudden.

AngelWreakinHavoc Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:27

Your poor Dh! He obviously wants/needs your support.
I don't think anything would stop me from being there for dp if he needed me.
You are sounding very pfb!
Did your Dh go to antenatal clinics, scans etc with you or did he make you go alone when you needed support?

OhlimpPricks Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:46

Instead of waiting 2 hours for the appointment, why not turn up at the appointment time? If you're suggesting that you are routinely called in 2 hours after your appointment time, then perhaps you could ask the receptionist to book you in for the very last appointment of the morning or afternoon session?

pictish Sat 05-Jan-13 10:40:47

Yabu using the baby as an excuse, as the baby would be fine in the car seat, fine on the drive and fine in the clinic. The baby is not a factor at all.

However as regards everything else yanbu. I wouldn't go either. There's no need.

Mutt Sat 05-Jan-13 10:42:16

It's either a "serious health problem" or it isn't.

Hospitals don't do six monthly checks for the fun of it as far as I am aware so am assuming there is the possibility of a development in his condition that you can't be aware of unless he is examined.

As for the daner of baby coming into contact with people with infectious diseases, I think that's huge red herring - there is as much, if not more, chance of that on a bus or in the supermarket as there would be in a hospital clinic waiting room, unless you plan to shake hands with every person you meet on the way in.

Just make stops on the way there and back and plan to go somewhere for a couple of hours after the appointment.

ChocHobNob Sat 05-Jan-13 10:43:42

YABU. I would want to go to support my husband if he was worried. I would try and find a babysitter if I would prefer not to take baby with us.

diddl Sat 05-Jan-13 10:43:47

If he would like her to go to support him-why can´t he just say so?

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 10:43:51

I take It you're avoiding hospitals you are also avoiding soft play areas, restaurants, cafes, health visitor clinics, playgroups etc etc etc

Sorry but I think yabu. If it is a serious condition then even at a routine 6 month check up they might tell him something terrible. Would you want to be alone in that situation?
I agree that he was wrong to say that it would be your fault but he is probably scared.
When my mum was going for her routine appointments I always went with her, even with my 4month old dd. thank goodness I did as they did give her bad news at one. sad I would have hated for her to be alone at that point.
Could nobody help out with babysitting?

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:44:53

Fwiw, I also think your ds will be fine for a couple of hours in the car seat for a one off occasion like this. What time is his appointment? Would it be feasible to make a day of it? Any baby friendly things you could do local to the hospital?

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 10:45:32

Didl - guess he was upset she wasn't going and overreacted

Lollybrolly Sat 05-Jan-13 10:46:35

No you are not being unreasonale at all. If its just a routine check up its perfectly fine for just one of you to go and why should it always be you??

My DD1 has a serious ongoing condition and has to be seen at Birmingham Childrens Hospital 2 1/2 hours away and sometimes I go and sometimes DH goes and sometimes we all go.

Usually for the routine check ups 1 of us will go and for big important appointments we both go and that sometimes means dragging DD2 along as well. We both go to these (if possible) because this is when we get told if things are staying the same, getting better/worse and may need to ask questions or make decisions on a way forward.

I prefer it when we both go because by the time I have driven to Bham and then found somewhere to park etc it adds alot of time on the journey and I stress about finding parking (I still dont know Bham that well). When DH comes he usually drops us off at the door (saving 15/20 minutes), parks and then comes and meets us in there. May not sound like much but after the longd drive it helps.

ChocHobNob Sat 05-Jan-13 10:46:51

Diddl, I thought that was pretty obvious he does by the fact he wants her to go. If he didn't want her support or wasn't particularly bothered by it, he wouldn't mind her not going would he?

ChocHobNob Sat 05-Jan-13 10:48:20

Lollybrolly, the check up isn't for DD. It's for the husband who has the long term serious health condition.

Yanbu if all they do is ask how he is and take his bloods then he should go on his own 6 hours of car travelling and waiting around would be a pita with a 7 month old

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:51:29

I'm really surprised at the number of people who are saying that you shouldn't go and he should just man up. Part of being in a relationship with someone is being there for them when they need you (and vice versa of course).

The op has said he has a serious long term health problem. Her dh has said that he wants her to go the appointment with him (although he is being v unreasonable with the 'if anything is wrong it's your fault' line). Why wouldn't anyone support their partner under these circumstances?

allagory Sat 05-Jan-13 10:54:28

YANBU. Maybe you should point out to him that it's not all about him anymore: he needs to look after the health for the sake of his child. He has brought this child into this world, now he needs to do the maximum to make sure he is around to give your child the support he/she needs in the next 18 years.

I am surprised he expects you to go with him, is he really worried? I am at a family risk of cancer so go for annual screening. The clinic often runs late because the consultant might be operating or dealing with someone who has just been diagnosed. I just take a book and treat the wait as a bit of me time. I wouldn't expect anyone to come with me especially if it involved taking time off.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:56:57

He's not saying he won't go allagory - he's just asking for support at the appointment.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 10:58:22

But there is a difference betwee screening for something you are at risk of developing, and being monitored for a serious health problem you already have. I can understand why he would want support.

diddl Sat 05-Jan-13 10:58:24

Well I don´t know, Choc-could just be that he´s just so used to someone going .

That´s the thing isn´t it?

You can´t really give an answer.

I put initially that perhaps OP shouldn´t go.

But I would go if my husband wanted & I would expect the same in return.

As others have said though-maybe MIL could have baby, or maybe she would be OK about going even though it´s her bday?

People need to ask!

RubyGates Sat 05-Jan-13 11:01:22

But surely there won't be any "bad news" until the results of the blood-tests come back?
That's when he'll need support (hopefully not though).

Do you expect your OH to come with you if you go for a smear test? The results of that could be devastating, but you won't know until the tests come back. OH being there wouldn't actually achieve anything.

This sounds like a standard chronic ilness check-up (I have to go yearly for a similar appointment for my clotting thing) I wouldn't expect anyone to take time off, travel into central London, sit around in a boring hospital waiting room for an hour and then wait for me to have 6 vials of blood taken. What would be the point? What would taking baby to the appointment achieve apart from adding to the stress of it all?

CrystalEclipse Sat 05-Jan-13 11:03:23

Wouldn't care who It was It someone I knew wanted support at a screening I would be there, two kids in tow It necessary.....

But he's you're husband!!

Angry
Given that my mum first developed cancer in her 30's and died of a different form of cancer in her 50's I am at risk at every appointment of being told that I have cancer that might kill me. Its may be different but I doubt its less stressful.

AngryGnome Sat 05-Jan-13 11:07:19

The thing is, everyone is different. Posters who have said that the OP does not 'need' to go are right in a way - he is an adult, presumably capable of getting there by himself and sitting there whilst he has blood taken. But having a serious long term health problem can be very emotionally draining and exhausting, it can be isolating and of course upsetting - and having those who you love there to support you can help with this enormously.

Some people manage their emotions about their health differently to others - some people are happy to go to appointments on their own, indeed might prefer to go on their own. This is not the case here - the op has said her dh wants her to come with him. In a situation like that, I would want to support my dh, as he supports me.

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