What do I do? (In law related)(32 Posts)
My FIL is an odd chap, he doesn't speak to me at all. Never has done. He also has a strained relationship emotionally with all of his own children. Doesn't talk to them about any thing other than a few select topics (politics, politics, economics, politics)
Him not talking to me is pathetic but I don't expect any thing different and I don't bother to speak to him any more.
Fwiw no one takes him to task on this, not his wife or DP. (I think Dp is just so fed up of being emotionally closed off from him that he doesn't try to emotionally relate for fear of being ignored)
Any way, we have children now - (this will prop out me) I have a child from a previous relationship and DP has brought her up since she was 18 months, then we have two more DC.
FIL has not acknowledged either of the babies - has never paid any interest etc. he simply ignores us when we go round there
There are other issues with mil being Christian and scaring my dd1 with all these issues of dogma & punishment (she's quite full on at times so I've banned the DC from going to church with her)
Any way fast forward to a family occasion we attended - apparently SIL approached her uncle to implore him to speak to her dad about how sad it was he's missing out on his glorious grand kids. The reply was no & I wholeheartedly agree. The children are illegitimate bastards and neither him or his brother (FIL) will have any thing to do with them!
Basically I'm fed up of this, my children being treated like dirty secrets - me being made to feel like some nasty scarlet woman. MIL is helpful and lovely some times (she means well, brings cake round etc and helps out when I'm ill etc) but she's complicit in all this feeling of shame and disgust!
He is just set in his ways and nothing is going to change him now. Don't go to their house or be in any company where you FIL is present. No outside influence is going to change him after all this time. If that's his attitude let him get on with it. But you don't need to be exposed to it. I'd not bother with the letter because people like this are seldom changed. See your mil at your house only. He has a set of rules and in his eyes it is not acceptable for anybody to break them. And that's the way it is.
If you must say (write) somthing, wouldn't writing it to MiL be (slightly) more likely to be effective?
I would say that if FiL can ignore your children he will take no notice of a letter - or a confrontation for that matter.
He is entitled to his own opinion, and in the same way that you can choose to have nothing to do with him, he has chosen to have nothing to do with you.
However much you think he is wrong, he thinks you are wrong, and that's his choice. No letter is going to change his long held beliefs and opinions, although he might start to realise what he's missed out on when he's on his deathbed.
Leave him to it.
I do think it's unfair of you to tell your DP you don't want his Dad at his own wedding though.
It sounds to me as if you should abandon all hope where FIL and to an extent MIL are concerned.
Your SIL sounds very much in need of your support right now. Concentrate on that and your own family.
DP agrees about his dad, when we first started talking about marriage & venues for the ceremony (not a church) he did say then that he would rather not invite his dad, than give him the chance to not turn up
I want to write to FIL & tell him how damaging and sad this is for everyone concerned
Don't bother. you can't reason with people like this. Your FIL is deeply fucked up. Nothing you say will change him.
I also would stay a million miles away from the old fart. Leave him to his bitter and backwards world of nonsense.
You say he ignores you when you go round there. I would stop going round. I would stop seeing him at all. He is completely and openly disrespectful of you and your children. You do not need this influence in your lives. I would speak to your dp and say you have had enough, and that you no longer wish to see him, but that whether or not your dp wishes to carry on seeing him is his decision.
I would also very clearly say that YOU don't wish him to be invited to the wedding. I don't think you are being unreasonable, given that he ignores you and your children. I know that it must be very hard for your dp, but quite frankly, if he is chosing to be with YOU and marry you, then at some point he needs to realise that his father's treatment of you is unacceptable.
I wouldn't bother with a letter, except maybe to write it to get your feelings out, then shred it.
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