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To be absolutely livid with DH?

(96 Posts)
JingleUpTheHighway Thu 03-Jan-13 21:26:02

Dd2 is 7 months and has been a nightmare sleeper for the past 3 nights and we are both knackered . It is usual for her to be awake between 12am til 5am the past few nights.

Tonight , I popped to the shop whilst DH put dd2 to bed .

I came home to hear DD2 absolutely screaming , really upset sad

I went straight up to her nursery to find she was sitting crying in her cot .

DH had decided to do a bit of controlled crying without even consenting me ! I'm fucking furious .

I cuddled her to sleep and she was sobbing in her sleep sad . My poor baby .

I agree she needs to be able to sleep better & although i would never judge those that do cc , he knows I don't want to do it .

He thought he would "save me the upset " and do it whilst I was out .

AIBU to kick him on to the couch tonight and snuggle by little baby all night ??!

I'm furious angry

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 04-Jan-13 00:33:58

Oh God, she'll live.

freeandhappy Fri 04-Jan-13 00:36:06

Envious of you having lovely baby to snuggle. My kid are too big now. sad teenagers.

Jingle, a wee bit pet xx I'm a single mum, and i co slept (to give me peace) but i understand your frustration xx

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 00:40:21

Stuntgirl - I was.

deleted203 Fri 04-Jan-13 00:50:29

YABVU. You've got a baby who is awake from 12 - 5 am for the past few nights and you can't bear to let her cry in her cot for 5 mins. In fact you appear to be relishing the idea of 'snuggling by little baby all night'. It does sound like she's teething, frankly, if her gums are hot but there is little you can do about this. If you cuddle a 7 month old to sleep every night they will never learn to be put down and go to sleep on their own. Particularly if with every whimper they make Mummy swoops down and cuddles them. As other posters have said - you are both parents and DH decided to try leaving her for a few minutes. He's knackered. Get over it.

rhondajean Brazil Fri 04-Jan-13 00:54:37

Yabu. He has a right to parent as he sees fit. And personally I agree with him, not you - you are entitled to do as you see fit, but do am I and so is he.

SirBoobAlot Fri 04-Jan-13 01:17:05

If its only been the last few nights, and her gums are hot, then that would suggest teething. All the more reason to cuddle her. Teething is biologically the worst pain we ever endure in our lives, we just don't remember it. Poor love.

skullcandy Fri 04-Jan-13 01:40:13

anyone who questions how painful teething is needs to experience cutting their wisdom teeth as an adult.

honest to god, if thats the pain babies feel when they're teething i am not surprised they scream and cry... i was drugged up to the eyeballs on everything i could take/smear on my gums and laid with my face on a hotwater bottle and still wanted to scream!
<shudder>

anyway.. yab a little u, and perhaps you do need to start some self settling rather than cuddling to sleep.. when she's over this teething bump.

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 04-Jan-13 02:06:56

YABU to be "livid" etc and kick him onto the sofa because of it. Yes it wasnt a great thing to do without your agreement, because you both need to be onside for CC to work, but it wasnt the crime of the century.

And if she isnt crying when she wakes (apart from tonight!) then leave her to it. She is happy because she isnt crying, and maybe she will learn to a) not wake when she doesnt get mummy and daddy playing with her and b) self settle when she realises that she isnt getting cuddled.

The teething thing will pass soon, but unless she learns to self settle you will still be doing this in a year.

Bogeyface Netherlands Fri 04-Jan-13 02:09:30

Another thought...are you both getting up with her when she wakes? Who goes to work? Ime (of 6 children) the parent who goes to work sleeps while the SAHP gets up simply because the parent who goes to work cant do their job properly with no sleep but the SAHP can catch up when the baby naps. It was how we got through the tough times with ours!

MrRected Fri 04-Jan-13 02:23:10

mmm... If this were my DP I wouldn't be livid. I'd probably approach a situation like this on the basis that crying for five minutes never killed anybody and then sit down with him to work through what he was trying to achieve and what our joint views were on the matter.

I feel sorry for both of you and can totally sympathise with that excruciating exhaustion of sustained lack of sleep - I am sure most parents can.

I have been at the end of my tether and let my babies cry for a few minutes (not very often) in their cots. I have walked away to allow myself five minutes to cool off when I have felt desparate from lack of sleep and unable to be calm and collected.

Your DD would not have come to any harm from this and I think you need to look at her sleep patterns and take some action - she should be learning to self settle at this age IMO. Perhaps you DP would have done better to do this in consultation with you... certainly no reason to be livid with him.

JingleUpTheHighway Fri 04-Jan-13 07:24:02

Some constructive mixed opinions here !

I do agree that I probably over reacted a bit - I'm a but uptight at the minute due to sheer knackedness (word?? hmm )

However, I was still angry as we have discussed cc and we both agreed NOT to do it as I was uncomfortable with it and he understood why .

Although just to clear up, me kicking him on the couch so I could cuddle baby was meant tongue in cheek - he slept there voluntarily in the end to get some sleep.

I also agree that I need to approach the self settling issue - cuddling to sleep meant an easier bedtime routine so I could spend some time with DD1 & 14yr old DS , however , I know it's not ideal sad

Anyway I've calmed down now - DD2 was in with me all night and other than the odd screaming fit we got a lot more sleep than we have in the past few nights. I feel slightly less zombie ish today .

When these teeth have erupted ; I will tackle the self soothing but
In a way we both agree on .

Cat98 Fri 04-Jan-13 09:02:16

YANBU, I would have been annoyed but my dh would never have done this as we (fortunately) had similar outlooks on parenting when ds was a baby (not so much now so I can empathise a little!)

I think 7 months is far too young for this, but regardless of my opinion things like this should be discussed together.
That said, I would discuss it with him constructively rather than having a go as that won't help. Show him attachment theory stuff for example to explain why you don't want to leave your baby to cry. Then explore gentler methods of sorting sleep issues if you both feel something needs to be done.

MrRected Fri 04-Jan-13 10:32:27

Hope you get some sleep tonight Jingle.

Three nights is nothing compared to a lot of people. But glad you've got things sorted with Dh, id have strung his bollocks up had it been mine!

Please check ears as my DS had an awful ear infection and his ear drum burst which caused three nights solid screaming and two doctors visits before they saw how bad it was!

PessaryPam Fri 04-Jan-13 10:50:07

He left a 7 month old baby crying for 5 minutes?

Well you could either LTB or buy a grip and use it.

StuntGirl Fri 04-Jan-13 10:56:52

Ahh pictish, see I think it was the OP who massively over reacted. A lot of replies were incredulous at the absolute non-entity of the problem, but I didn't think they were an over reaction in themselves.

Ephiny Fri 04-Jan-13 10:58:29

This seems like a bit of a double-standard. It was 5 minutes not hours, and I'm sure no one would have a problem with a mum leaving a baby in their cot for a few minutes without having to obtain consent from the father first.

Do any of you immediately phone your husbands if the baby starts crying when they're out, so they can rush home? confused

Yabu.

He is also her parent. She is only 7 months, but a parent popping to the toilet and leaving the room a few minutes, is no big deal.

You are making a rod for your own back if you "pull mother rank" on him like this and become furious over something so small. It really is now big deal. What you want is a partner who can co-parent with you, not one who is scared of doing it the way he sees best, in case you blow your fuse, like he was an obstinate child.

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 11:06:05

Stuntgirl - I agree with you.
I was referring to the posts agreeing with the OP that they too would be livid and furious and having a drama.

I dislike it when dads are diminished.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 04-Jan-13 11:07:05

I can see both sides to this. I think he genuinely thought he would be helping if he tried to 'teach' her to self settle, however she is still to young.

I can understand you being upset, its not nice to see your baby in such a state when its un necessary in the first place.

I think he was probably just getting desperate for a rest.

How long does your DD nap for in the day? Trying to shorten day time naps would help to get her settled for longer in the night.

Don't eliminate any naps entirely at this stage as she will become over tired, but maybe wake her up a bit earlier from her naps than normal.

Ephiny Fri 04-Jan-13 11:18:11

Tbh if this was the other way round -- if a mother posted to say her husband had been 'absolutely livid' and 'furious' with her for leaving their baby safely in the cot while she popped to the loo for 5 minutes, and she'd had to 'promise it wouldn't happen again'? We'd be hearing words like 'abusive' and 'controlling' by now.

Well said Ephiny.

3smellysocks Fri 04-Jan-13 12:26:49

I would be upset too. There are ways of helping them sleep which doesn't involve just leaving them to scream on their own. He could have just held her hand while she was in the cot. It should have been discussed and a joint decision made.

JingleUpTheHighway Fri 04-Jan-13 12:34:52

PessaryPam ... I think you have completely missed the point hmm

If you have read my other posts up thread , you will see what I was angry at .

And yes.... When you are sleep deprived and working full time ... Sometimes you do need a grip - thanks for pointing that out . You've been most helpful hmm

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