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AIBU?

To want dh to buy me a new car?

58 replies

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 02/01/2013 22:21

Before becoming a sahm I always paid for my own things. Since being a sahm I have swapped cars with dh as he had the big car. He used my little run around to commute to work, and then decided to trade it up and buy himself a brand new car. That was fair enough, his car that I swapped for is a lovely big comfortable car.

However it is now getting on a bit and things are starting to go and I feel it is time to swap it for something else. Now if I still earnt my own money it wouldn't be a problem. I would simply find something I liked and buy it. I would discuss it with him but it would be my decision because its my money and my car.

The trouble is I don't earn anymore and don't have any money. So it wouldn't be my money that paid for it, it would be his. I would have to ask him to buy me a car. Now I don't see a massive problem with this. I gave up my earning potential to look after the kids. This was a joint decision, he is happy for me to be at home and he has no problem in being responsible for everything and he is very generous. Except when it comes to a purchase as big as this. Apparently we can't afford to buy another car. Well we could when he wanted one. A brand new one. I'm not asking for a brand new one, just a newer one in better condition.

AIBU to ask him to pay? I feel a bit confused. I know any money that comes into the house should be shared and not seen as just 'his' money. But I still feel as though I have to ask. I guess it's a big purchase but it just doesn't seem to carry as much importance as when he wanted a car. His suits his job and his hobbies so was an important purchase, apparently. Mine just carries the kids in, nothing important.

Reading this back I know I sound a bit whiny and entitled and first world problem, but I can't work out whether I just feel entitled to one because he had one, or whether I'm right to expect him to pay for it. It's going to need replacing at some point and probably before I ever go back to work. There's no way I can afford to pay for a car. I have a bit of an allowance from him and it goes on my personal bills, pension, etc store cards every month.

Apologies for the long rant. Feels better for writing it down!

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LindyHemming · 02/01/2013 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 02/01/2013 22:23

i really get annoyed when i read things like this - i dont understand how - if you have a child together - the woman is suddenly second class and on 'pin' money.

just tell him your having another car -

" darling, i'm having another car, would love your input, lets work out the finance'

FestiveWench · 02/01/2013 22:28

I couldn't live like that.

mynewpassion · 02/01/2013 22:31

But could you afford to upgrade to a newer car? Big purchases such as buying cars should be discussed.

BellaVita · 02/01/2013 22:31

DH bought me a new car.

I do work - part time, term time but i earn peanuts really,it goes into a savings account for holiday spends. Some of his work shares matured, he knew I wanted to change my car so he bought me a new one for Xmas (well I got it in September as the dealership had the colour in I wanted, we only went to have a look to see how much we would get for my current one, a week later I drove my new car away).

CloudsAndTrees · 02/01/2013 22:32

You aren't asking him to buy you a car, you are starting a discussion about spending family money on a new car for the family. As all big purchases should be discussed whether they be from family money or not, then you are doing no more than that.

cansu · 02/01/2013 22:32

Think it depends whether it is something you can easily afford or not. If your car is just not as nice as you would like and your family income is such that you could buy a new one without hardship then yes you can say that you want a new car. I think this is a problem of being a SAHM. I agree that you should have equal say but this is rarely the case. The partner who is working outside the home and earning the salary often feels they have the final say on such things. It may be something you need to have a frank discussion on. Maybe you could suggest that future decisions such as changing his car will in future have to be joint decisions? I am guessing he would dislike this. Personally this is one of the reasons I would hate to not have my own money. I think you might want to think about having all your husbands salary going into one joint account rather than you having an allowance which would feel like having pocket money for me!

ebersneezer · 02/01/2013 22:34

Agree with CloudsandTrees.

Pozzled · 02/01/2013 22:37

What are your family finances like? If you can afford the car you want without drastically cutting back elsewhere, then you should get it, no question. If you'd have to make changes elsewhere then I think it's fair for him to have some input. But did he discuss it with you before getting his car? Did he need you to agree before going ahead?

HollyBerryBush · 02/01/2013 22:38

family car and work car - just tell him whats what.

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 02/01/2013 22:40

I'd love to tell him we're having another car, let's work out the finances!

I'm pretty sure we could afford it. I know he's got pretty good savings and investments. We also have some work to do on the house which will cost a bit. We could put down a good deposit, and we'd probably get another grand or so for my car, but he doesn't do finance. He was brought up to save for what he wanted and he won't entertain the idea of borrowing money. It doesn't bother me, I'd have the finance like a shot because them I'd get the car.

Before people point out that I'm emotionally and financially abused, I'm not really, we don't do anything without discussing it together. And he will usually defer to me anyway. He's just a bit old fashioned. I don't mind a bit of old fashioned when it suits me, I'm quite happy being a sahm, but I have over thought this now and just wondered if I'm being a spoilt brat and self entitled.

OP posts:

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 02/01/2013 22:41

What CloudsandTrees said. I hope he discussed his new car purchase with you.

inabeautifulplace · 02/01/2013 22:42

Three questions:

When he decided to buy a new car, were you involved?

Does he spend enough time commuting to warrant a nice car?

Do you spend enough time driving to warrant a nice car?

OrangeLily · 02/01/2013 22:42

Did he consult you when he bought his car? If he didn't he is bang out of order!

mynewpassion · 02/01/2013 22:46

The OP has already said that they did discuss buying his new car. They discuss everything.

I think the sticking point will be how to pay for the car. Financing or mostly cash.

CoolaYuleA · 02/01/2013 22:48

We have a family car and a work car. Before I was a SAHM it was my car and his car, the names have changed, but essentially still the same thing. The family car is a year old, so we are planning to change it at some point in the next year.

The fact that I am now a SAHM is a non-point when it comes to changing the car, it all comes down to balancing what is best financially and for us as a family, if that means we need a new car, then we get a new car, regardless of who will be the main driver.

wannabedreams · 02/01/2013 22:51

out of interest what car do you have (age model etc)....

StuntGirl · 02/01/2013 22:54

Well if he likes to save then he's just going to have to save up for your car isn't he? I presume it's how he got his car then. Tell him you need to discuss together how much you'll be saving per month for your new car.

Nat38 · 02/01/2013 22:58

I`m sorry, but am I the only one to hear this Mine just carries the kids in, nothing important.??
Are the DC not important then?
The OP is not asking for a brand new car, just a newer one in a better one than the one she has for herself & the apparently un-important children!
They have chosen the path that works the best for them, they discuss thingswhich is great, but surely part ex-changing a car for a better second hand car for her & the kids is equal to his brand new car foe himself??

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 02/01/2013 23:00

inabeautifulplace I was asked my opinion on his new car but he was definitely buying it regardless and I didn't have a problem with it. He does about forty miles a day so it does get used and its a diesel where the old car was petrol. I don't do quite so many miles but we live out in the sticks so can't really be without one.

I've just told him some of the responses on here. He says its a big spend and he can't really afford it at the moment bit it's going to come at some point.

Oh CoolaYuleA bless your heart. My car is ten years old! Yours will go for years yet! Mind you mine is a VW and very solid and reliable. Just falling to bits.

OP posts:

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 02/01/2013 23:02

Nat38 I was being tongue in cheek but you're right, would be nice if dh saw it that way.

When he bought his car he put half down and the rest on 0% finance so he didn't lose tooth of his savings in one hit but it didn't cost him anything in finance. Unfortunately you don't get that deal with used cars.

OP posts:

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 02/01/2013 23:04

Tooth of his savings should read too much.

I've had a lot of autocorrect fails lately. Fat fingers.

OP posts:

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Fairylea · 02/01/2013 23:04

Sahm = joint account = shared money = car is a joint purchase.....

That's how we'd do it!

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 02/01/2013 23:06

Unfortunately you don't get that deal with used cars

Ours was pre-registered (so it has one former owner before us, the garage we bought it from) with 24 miles on the clock and we got 5 years 0% finance on it.

Parker231 · 02/01/2013 23:11

Why do you refer to him having good savings and investments. Surely these are jointly held ?

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