To be a massive doormat?

(27 Posts)
Theicingontop Tue 01-Jan-13 08:19:57

MIL is staying. We were supposed to go to hers on New Years on account of her being unable to come for Christmas due to having a dog. The dog got stolen on Christmas eve so now she's a free agent.

I am suffering. I offered to go with her shopping yesterday and she dragged her DD, me and my DS around for four hours window shopping for things she could never afford, getting exasperated that I wasn't looking as excited as she was. "Oh you act like a man when we're shopping" - well, I wouldn't if we were actually shopping, she was just looking at expensive things and wishing she could buy them. She's broke. I was tired. So was DS, because I didn't bring a buggy.

She had to ask for money to buy her DD wellies, and didn't buy them. Then put my son's wellies on her DD as we were going out, without asking. I asked why she was wearing them, she replied that she'd assumed DS had more than one pair. He doesn't. She suggested he'd be fine with trainers. He wasn't. He had to watch her DD splash happily in puddles the whole day while his feet got wet just walking along. Didn't make for a happy toddler.

She's using the bath hamper OH got me for my birthday just before Christmas. Came in the living room last night reeking of my lotion. I thought she wouldn't mention it because she didn't ask me first. Came right out and said how wonderful it smells. Asked me to smell her hand with my lotion on it. hmm

Has drunk like a fish since she got here. The first night she drank the rest of the cava we had in the fridge from Christmas, then her own bottle, then a bottle of red wine she'd also bought. Last night it was only one bottle of cava, to 'celebrate the new year'. Absolutely piddled both nights, having slurred arguments with OH.

Probably tmi, but she absolutely fucking stinks. Her breath is revolting, her trips to the bathroom leave the whole room reeking for hours. She just woke me up coming back from the toilet, so I went down and had a wee and very nearly threw up from the smell. I'm guessing it's the alcohol and the pickles she constantly consumes.

I am a massive doormat. She's staying until Thursday. AIBU to keep the peace, or do I need to make a huge fucking scene?

Theicingontop Tue 01-Jan-13 08:22:33

There's loads more, like her smoking in the bathroom with the window open when she was expressly asked to smoke outside. I could go on forever. But then I am premenstrual and feeling like a huge grump anyway. angry

Tee2072Thing Tue 01-Jan-13 08:27:23

The smoking alone would lead me to say something.

Stop being a doormat.

Speak up.

BabylonElf Tue 01-Jan-13 08:27:44

It's a new year, start as you mean to go on.

She sounds a nightmare, how does DH get on with her?

ZillionChocolate Tue 01-Jan-13 08:29:12

Yanbu

I'd bring up the smoking with her. The stink is something you'll have to let go. The other stuff you should have raised at the time, it's too late now but don't put up with any more.

Yama Tue 01-Jan-13 08:29:44

The shopping trip was a mistake. Don't do that again. In fact, if you are not keen to spend time with her, your oh should take on that responsibility.

Reiterate the no smoking rule.

Put your bath hamper away, out of sight.

Make sure there is no more alcohol in the house.

Don't know what to suggest about her smelly toilet trips.

Two more days.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Tue 01-Jan-13 08:30:17

Woman - get thee a grip!

Sheesh.

Stand up for your DS if not yourself

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 01-Jan-13 08:32:04

Pick your fights, she sounds very difficult but at least you don't need to invite her again and you need to think about her daughter too, who must be very young.
Shopping trip, let it go. I've been through all that with different people including teenage children. Take a buggy next time.
The wellies was a thoughtless thing to do, but there will be other puddles for DS.
Buy niece a pair of wellies as a present.
Hamper was unacceptable, I'd remove it straight away and anything else you don't want her to get her mitts on.
The smell and the poor hygiene, does she usually drink that much and not brush her teeth or have a shower? Is she eating enough to balance the alcohol?
Are you all going for walks to help all the food and drink process?
Where is your OH in all this? In our family, if your side is being a PITA then you fix it if complaints have been made. What can he do to sort things out on a practical level?

TheNebulousBoojum Tue 01-Jan-13 08:33:38

Oh, and the smoking inside needs to stop, your OH can tell her that if you don't want to.

Theicingontop Tue 01-Jan-13 08:36:51

OH will back me up in an instant, he dislikes her. They don't have a close relationship and was raised by his nan, who passed away. I (thought I had) steeled myself for the visit and just told myself to be nice, to accomodate her because I know what she's like and doesn't come very often. But I'm finding it difficult.

She does drink a lot. OH says she's an alcoholic, he'd know best I suppose. Only seems to drink at night, but she drinks a lot and every day. All she eats is pickles and cured meats, and feeds her DD the same, boasting about how 'continental' her DD's tastes are hmm She's three!!

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 01-Jan-13 08:39:29

She sounds like an ill mannered oaf. But regarding the wellies....id never put amother childs comfort above my own like that. Tell oh to sort it. I know, they never ever do, but shes his relly.

Fakebook Tue 01-Jan-13 08:42:13

Eew, pickled onions and cured meats everyday? Wtf?

I'd ride it out until Thursday to avoid any drama. Perhaps get some Oust for the bathroom.

Don't let her come again. Make a long list of excuses and use them accordingly if you're ever put on the spot again.

NewYearNewNagoo Tue 01-Jan-13 08:49:02

You've missed your chance to say something.

When she takes your DS's wellies, you tell her he needs them. No he only has one pair, he'll be wearing them. 'We'll go straight out and get DD some'.

When she used your hamper 'Oh, I meant to put that away, don't want the DC getting into it, I had that for my birthday' <hide it>

Don't buy more booze.

You are feeding her, presumably, so don't get her pickles!

You can't make a scene because you allowed things to build up, that's not fair. Tackle each thing as it comes up. Yes, she might thing you are a PITA, but that's fine, she'll be less inclined to want to come again.

myBOYSareBONKERS Tue 01-Jan-13 08:50:04

Very confused why you accommodate her really.

Your OH doesn't like her - so its not to keep a "relationship" for them.

You obviously don't care for her much either so don't see her

CSIJanner Tue 01-Jan-13 08:54:38

Pull her up on the smoking and if she still does it, ask her to leave tomorrow. You've not said anything about the boots or hamper etc so you need to treat it all as a new slate. But the smoking she was told about so scold to your hearts content.

As for the bath hamper, couldn't your DH say something or has that ship sailed? As for your DS's Welles, if you go for a walk today, stay firm on his wearing them. She's taking liberties because you're letting her get away with it as I take she didn't even offer to take them off her daughter.

Actually it's her daughter I feel sorry for in all of this. If she's like this as a guest, what on earth is she like at home?

Theicingontop Tue 01-Jan-13 09:02:12

CSI it's her daughter I allow her here for. She loves my DS, and my DS loves her. My OH also feels sorry for his little sister. They don't come often, we last saw them a year ago... But now the dog's been stolen, the only thing stopping them from coming all the time is money. They live in London, we live further southeast and the ticket fare is £50. In fact she was talking about moving here.

She's the same at home. Year before last she got drunk and left candles burning, and burned down the house. They all got out fine but everything was gone. DD would have died if she hadn't been cosleeping sad

gimmecakeandcandy Tue 01-Jan-13 09:27:54

She sounds vile and I am surprised she is not being investigated by the SS as she sounds like a shit parent too. Can anything be done there? Her poor poor daughter.

Can you help her daughter? She needs a few home truths and a call to the SS.

I feel for her daughter I really do sad

NC78 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:32:44

Buy her another dog.

CaptChaos Tue 01-Jan-13 10:07:54

I agree with NC78 another dog is in order here, if you can't tell her to her face that she is persona non grata.

What a truly vile person. If she drinks that much that she set fire to the house, are SS involved with your DN? Your DN's diet alone would be cause for concern if she truly is only eating pickles and cured meat, your MiL really doesn't know what a continental diet actually is!

Hide everything you don't want her to touch, in a lockable room. She sounds horrendous!

SoldeInvierno Tue 01-Jan-13 10:11:00

The dog might have won by being stolen. What a horrible person to live with. I feel very sorry for your DN

Shelby2010 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:21:42

Don't get another dog! I doubt very much if the other one was 'stolen' unless it was some kind of pedigree. More likely she let it get run over or just kicked it out because she wanted to freeload on you for a while.

Leaving aside the issues she's giving you as a guest, I would be more concerned for the welfare of her dd. Your OH has a responsibility as her brother to make sure she is being properly cared for. Either he should visit his DM more to check first hand or you need to call SS if he believes she is an alcoholic who gets into that kind of state when she is alone with dd.

MammaTJ Tue 01-Jan-13 10:31:00

Co-sleeping with a baby as she would have been then is dangerous while drunk.

You really need to contact SS. Would you take the child in if they decided to remove her? Were SS involved when your OH was younger or did his GM just have a casual arrangement with his mum to have him?

MrsTomHardy Tue 01-Jan-13 10:40:23

Omg she sounds awful.

What a horrible situation to be in.

Onezerozero Tue 01-Jan-13 10:41:34

I feel for her DD too. I suspect you will have to try to put up with your MIL until her DD is of an age where she can visit alone for weekends. Two, three years?

Loveweekends10 Tue 01-Jan-13 10:44:19

MIL? How old is she. She sounds like a teenager. Tell her to go home.

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