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AIBU?

To want to tell her the truth

27 replies

freemanbatch · 01/01/2013 02:18

I split with ex in August, it took me eight months to get him to leave after he made a number of attempts to rape me which was an escalation of controlling and abusive behaviour.

MIL said when we split that she didn't want to know why because it was none of her business, I respected that because its not something I would ever want to hear about my child so I didn't see the need to put her through that if I wasn't going to speak to the police about it.

I have spoken to the health visitor and the GP about access arrangements and they are happy with the fact that he sees them at his parents and is supervised or out in public all the time he has them, even if his parents don't know that they are supervising him, so they are happy not to investigate the situation themselves and leave it to my discretion unless I want them to.

He sees them one evening a week for tea and one day every other weekend 8 til 7, I am not happy with him having them overnight and the safeguarding woman told me that that would trigger an investigation anyway so they are not staying overnight and won't be anytime in the near future.

This week he is having them for three long days including two days together but the kids are coming home to sleep, MIL has been telling the kids how exciting it would be if they stayed over and all the things she would do with them so they have come home today asking about staying and I am left to explain that they aren't allowed which they obviously read as me not letting them.

ex is having treatment for mental health issues so in time things may change but right now they kids cannot stay over night without me being investigated by social services.

So would I be unreasonable to tell her the truth in the hope she would stop saying these things to my kids? I really don't want to be the one to tell her about her son but why should I be the one my kids are upset with because I'm stopping them doing something?

OP posts:

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icovetthee · 01/01/2013 02:23

I think its a very tough situation. On one hand I would hate to be told something like that about my son. Will she believe you or do you think she may take his side and think you're making it up? Not to say you aren't trustworthy, OP but something that always goes through my mind. Do you know if your ex has said anything to the contrary on why you split up?

I would tell her a firm no and leave it at that. If she presses further then explain about the control issues/SS involvement in small detail and hope that's enough to get her to back off. I probably wouldn't divulge the rape part.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/01/2013 02:24

I think you need to tell her. As the kids get older it would be natural for them to start staying over or doing longer visits, and if your MIL is in the dark about the real reason they can't then she will blame you and relationships will suffer.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/01/2013 02:27

Telling her is 100% the right thing to do.

Your adult children telling you things you don't want to hear is, I imagine, part and parcel of having an adult child.

freemanbatch · 01/01/2013 02:34

I know that sensibly she needs to know something if she's going to understand, ex has said a few times that he was going to tell her but he hasn't and the staying over thing was going to come up at some point I know.

I guess part of me feels that 'I' will be upsetting her by telling her even though I am doing quite a good job and reminding myself it wasn't my fault.

OP posts:

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 01/01/2013 03:30

If it was my son, I'd want to know.

Does she know about the mental health treatment?

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/01/2013 03:43

She might be upset when you tell her,but that doesn't detract from how much good could come from telling her.

She will not like hearing it.

Your* children are your^ priority. She needs to know so she doesn't say inappropriate things to them.

Collaborate · 01/01/2013 08:51

You must tell her. She can't supervise properly unless she knows why it needs supervising and understands the risk.

comedycentral · 01/01/2013 09:08

You really need to tell her. I am sorry you have had such a tough.time.

comedycentral · 01/01/2013 09:09

You really need to tell her. I am sorry you have had such a tough time.

CailinDana · 01/01/2013 09:10

I agree with the others. You have no duty to protect your MIL whereas you have a massive duty to your children.

CaptChaos · 01/01/2013 09:12

You must tell her, she needs to know that she is supervising the contact, so that she knows that she can't pop to the shops, get her hair done, whatever when the children are there. I have a feeling that MiL had a fair idea why you and your ExP split, which is why she didn't 'want to know'. Knowing and knowing are different, iyswim.

One day your DC's might be able to stay with their DG, but not yet, and it would only be fair and respectful if your Mil knew why.

gimmecakeandcandy · 01/01/2013 09:13

You must tell her. For your children's sake if for nothing else. I would want to know if it were me. Do it for your kids.

Loquace · 01/01/2013 09:19

If it were my son I would want to know. However if you think she is likely to react by going into anger filled denial and teling the kids a not necessarily accurate, (but full of lurid details) version of what has happened under the heading of "horrible lies mummy has been telling about daddy", then I'd keep her in the dark.

What to tell her is going to depend so much on what she will do with the information when recieved, and only you can say with any real confidence how she will react.

I'm so sorry love, you have been through so much.

VBisme · 01/01/2013 10:04

I agree with chaos, she needs to know that she's supervising the contact.

Shelby2010 · 01/01/2013 10:47

I'm a bit confused, it sounds like there hasn't been any court order or SS involvement saying that your ExP can't have unsupervised contact. And it is likely that he is unsupervised at least part of the time if your MIL isn't even aware of this. Likewise if he takes them out, but the 'in public' is an empty park then he is not being supervised.

What are your concerns for the children safety regarding him? I think you need to address whether the current arrangements are adequate in this respect. Definitely talk to your MIL about it, especially as your exP doesn't seem to be disputing the situation. In fact if your MIL is on board then there is probably no reason why the dc can't stay over in HER care, if you are happy with that.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2013 11:09

I do think MIL needs to know, but I agree with Shelby, it sounds a bit of a strange arrangement. If someone doesn't know they are supposed to be supervising, they won't be doing it all the time, will they?

myfirstkitchen · 01/01/2013 11:14

You need to tell her for your children's sake.

Maybe you need to get it all down 'properly' via ss or whatever so she won't think you're making it up:exaggerating?

I think she needs to know so they aren't left alone with him.

MrsTomHardy · 01/01/2013 11:17

You need to tell her ASAP

ImperialBlether · 01/01/2013 11:40

I'm really sorry you had such a rough time. I don't understand, though. How would a GP or health visitor know if the children stayed over? I'm not suggesting that you do this, btw. I'm just surprised they have the power to make that decision and how you think they would know.

HappyNewHissy · 01/01/2013 11:57

My Ex was abusive. I decided that the open truth to ALL was the best way, otherwise it leaves room for manipulation of my child, and demonisation of ME in my attempts to protect him.

If my son was being abusive to his GF/DW, I'd kill him myself want to know. I suspect your MIL has an inkling, but is in denial. Don't forget, she raised him, so there could be an element of HER not being the healthiest person to have around DC too. By not addressing this, you are potentially enabling a situation where your children are raised by the same standards, you are undermined and will lose the positive influence you have.

Tell her. Stop protecting that vile monster of a man, protect your children.

Why should your DC be put at risk for the sake of your ExH's image/ego? Why should YOU be made to look the bad guy, when you are the ONE GOOD GUY in all of this?

My guess is that you will tell his mother and she won't believe you or back you. In which case you remove all visitation arrangements. Nothing less. Let them take you to court, then the real truth will come out.

freemanbatch · 01/01/2013 12:51

Thank you for the advice.

Right now the HV and GP are putting no pressure on me to report him to the police in return for the situation I have in place. Its only five months since we split so everything is quite fluid right now and I haven't totally decided against talking to the police I just can't face it now.

Ex knows that if he pushes for more contact I will fight it with anything I need to so his 'secret' will be out. He sent me a couple of emails admitting what he'd done and talking about his mental health issues so I have some kind of evidence to get the ball rolling with people investigating things. MIL has been a cow all the time I've known her but a few things we have fallen out about I now think she may not even have done and it was him making stuff up to distance me from them.

MIL was a cow about at DD1's christening and he had told me she'd called me all sorts of names for being of a different religion but she denied it totally and wanted to know why he was lying about her but I believed him. I wonder if I asked her about that if it would make her realise I'm not making it up.

I think I need to stop giving him the opportunity to get treatment and forget about it all and tell her enough for her to stop talking to the kids about things that just can't happen right now.

Thanks again for all the advice.

OP posts:

PessaryPam · 01/01/2013 12:54

Look at it this way, what gives you the right to decide what your MIL is told? It happened and he did it and as he is her son she should know. He can deal with the consequences of his own actions. I would also listen to your HV and GP TBH.

milf90 · 01/01/2013 13:04

I'm sorry something isn't right here. Your gp and Hv should have told social services when you disclosed that information to them. They are either not doing their jobs properly or they have already told them and ss have decided not to do anything about it yet.

Yes, you need to tell mil straight way and you also need to sort this out properly. I'm sorry u have been through so much, but u need to get it sorted before it back fires on you.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 01/01/2013 13:30

If what you have said is correct, I am sure ss will know already. In your shoes my dc's wouldn't be visiting without a formally agreed order in the first place.

I would have referred all this to a solicitor five months ago and taken professional advice where there was a combination of my children, a potential rapist with MH problems, hV/GP/SS involvement. If you can't afford to do that you need to get yourself to CAB or another pro-bono service at 9am tomorrow and get this sorted out properly

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/01/2013 16:00

I wouldn't tell her exactly why I would just tell her that overnights are not on the table due to safeguarding issues and politely tell her to stop raising it with the children. If she does not stop it then point out that the current arrangement will cease.

If your gp and hv are satisfied that the current suituation creates no cp issues then they are not under any obligation to refer on.they only have this obligation if they think there are issues.

It's highly likely your mil already knows something but not all. it is also highly likely that she is not suitable to provide proper longer term supervision knowingly or not.

You also need to be aware that you may ( especially by allowing overnight contact with mil) you are actually creating a sort of routine and if you needed to stop it due to her being unable to supervise correctly then she may have built up enough grounds to actually apply to the court in her own right for permission to apply for a contact order herself.

Grandparents who can demonstrate they have a meaningful lasting arrangement with the children can get permission from the court to get contact in there own right and by her doing the supervision she is building up the grounds to do so.

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