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I don't want Step mum at wedding :(

(79 Posts)
brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 02:14:48

Me and my parner are planning a small family wedding (20 guests of immediate family. The problem arises fromteh fact thatmydad had an affair about 10 years ago with my now step mother. We never got on from the word go, as I couldn't forgive her for what she did to my mum. She was nasty to me and my sisters (malicious letters, phonecalls, empty xmas pressies etc there is a whole lot more...) Despite all this my dad seems to believe there is not a problem?! I didn't speak to my dad for several years as a result, but he has just recently moved to the same town as me

I have wanted to rebuild my our relationship, but still don't like being around his wife as I know she is cunning, deceitful and can't be trusted. She is very nice to my face, and I am polite back, as I am trying to be civil as I enjoy seeing my dad again - just not her. My dad never speaks to me without her being there and I honestly feel hurt that he won't spend time alone with me to rebuild our relationship.

My mum is obviously still very upset with the circumstances and both me and my sister feel like we are betraying her by having contact with dad.This is compounded by out gran making remarks anytime we have contact with dad. My other two sisters seem to have forgiven all and pander to my step mother. They admit they are nice to her to prevent her from causing trouble for them.

She tried to accuse my dog of biting my sister when she was young in an attempt to get it put to sleep as she knew I was very attached - I used this dog to help me get over the hurt of my dad telling me " i'll always chose her, before dumping me on a train back to my mum." And she even waited until my 16th birthday meal to announce that my other dog had died (2 weeks previously, but yet she saved it for my birthday to tell me the bad news!) My little sister has had a baby and she even tried phoning Social Services on her for no reason at all (honestly) during her first month of being a mother ( anon,but we knew it was her due to previous dealings!) She is very good at playing the innocentand I really cant stand it,but I with the risk of sounding immature, I don't want to let her 'win' and have mestop contact with mydad again.

Anyhoo, to cut a long story short my partner doesnt want my stepmum at wedding as he sees how much she upsets me and even he has tried to get on with her but can't as he doesn't trust her! I don't want to spend our wedding day in such an intimate setting worrying aboutstep mum behaving or mymum being uncomfortable and I dont want any fights. I know people say that surely for one day they can grow up and get on - but in reality there is a lot of hurt and hate which when mixed with booze could be uncomfortable.

I don't know wether to simply not invite my dad and his wife and jst have a meal for them to celebrate, OR JUST INVITE MY DAD AND RISK HER MALICIOUS ACTS as a result. Ironically I really dont want to hurt my dads feelings,but getting frustrated as no one in my family seems to be acknowledging how I feel.

Do I invite or not, that is the question (dilema)...

We had this issue too, we invited DH dad but not his stepmum, initially it was all ok then DH dad sent us a message that SM was so upset that he couldn't come either. If he couldn't grow a set and see his only son married then so be it and they haven't spoken since. Stepmum was also the other woman and DM inlaws ex best friend. We still very much enjoyed our day he was the one that missed out.

aamia Tue 01-Jan-13 12:10:41

I would not invite either of them,nor would I tell them the correct date and venue. she will find a way to spoil your day.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Tue 01-Jan-13 12:23:03

I don't even think you need to explain yourself. Don't invite her, even a very stupid person would have to understand why you don't want her there. If your dad refuses to come then I guess you'll have to ask yourself if that's such a great loss?

Longdistance Tue 01-Jan-13 12:25:38

Get your mum to walk you down the aisle.

It's obvious she's the one that's done the hard work.

Invite him, but not her, and if he doesn't come.......meh.....he's made his choices.

Case closed.

SirBoobAlot Tue 01-Jan-13 12:29:07

She sounds vile, and frankly he sounds as bad. Seriously - why on earth do you want to reform a relationship with this man? Whilst it is easy to see her as the evil one, she didn't do it alone. Just because you are related to him does not mean you need him in your life, you've done perfectly well until now without him.

Don't invite either of them.

brightonm81 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:47:59

Thank you for all your posts, they really have helped! I would feel awful if I ruined out special day for my other half, his family and my mum by inviting my step mother. My dad will jsut have to understand it's a sacrifice that has to be made. Thinking back they didn't actually invite meto their wedding, just my sisters. This isn't a witch hunt or me trying to get revenge - I actually hate conflict and don't handle it well which normally results in me backing down and letting the other person get their own waysmile

If mydad and step mum don't take the news well then we might just go abroad and take the decision out of everyones hands... Save some pennies too!

Nomatter what I decide I will DEFINATELY take precautions to prevent her from cancelling my bookings (she "forgot" to order a bridesmaids car at my sisters wedding, which upset my sister as we all had to get into a taxi in our finery!)

Blood is thicker than water but sometimes I prefer water smilexx

BacardiNCoke Tue 01-Jan-13 13:02:06

I didn't invite my mum's partner to my very small wedding. There was only 10 of us there. my mum left my dad for him, and although my dad would have been nothing but civil to my mum's partner, I thought it would be disrespectful to my dad (who was also paying for everything) to have him there. My mum decided to come to the civil ceremony, but not to the meal we were having afterwards. I was very hurt but it was her choice.

jellybeans Tue 01-Jan-13 13:08:06

I wouldn't invite them. Not worth it. He sounds very unlikely to attend on his own and she could cause chaos if she knows the wedding plans. Either way you could have grief over it.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:09:05

"Blood is thicker than water but sometimes I prefer water"

Blood IS thicker than water, it takes longer to clear up. wink

DON'T let this woman near your new family and if that means your dad votes with his dick again, so be it. He is NO loss.

They didn't invite you to their wedding, so you have the precedent. We're keeping it small, I didn't attend your wedding, so there is no need to attend mine. the reason they do all this to you is precisely because you back down. Enough! You have a Mumsnet Reputation to uphold now! You have a family to fight for!

Otherwise, yes, tell ALL suppliers NOT to take ANY instructions that are not backed up IN WRITING by you and you alone.

I would elope if I were you, have a small do for your proper family when you get back.

HappyNewHissy Tue 01-Jan-13 13:10:01

Oh yes and if your Dad says anything, has a strop about not coming if Cruella is not invited, all you say is this:

'That is your choice and I respect that.

Over and over, Mumsnet Broken Record Stylee. grin

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 13:11:03

I think you should just invite your Dad but be prepared for him not to come without her.
I also think that if he does decide not to come, you could ask your Mum to give you away instead.

And agree very strongly that you need to have those safety precautions in place for all your wedding arrangements! Perhaps have a code-word with all the suppliers etc. so they know whether or not any instructions are genuine, as well as double checking any cancellations/changes with you personally.

Don't feel forced abroad unless that's something you actually want to do though.

snowshapes Tue 01-Jan-13 13:15:21

I am another who would not invite either of them.

glastocat Tue 01-Jan-13 13:22:53

Don't invite her. I didn't invite my dad to my wedding.

MrsFlibble Tue 01-Jan-13 13:26:26

You should have your mum give you away, since shes always been there, when i get married im almost tempted to let my mum give me away since i know i can rely on her, my dad has been a major let down, he gave my sister away, so hes not missing out.

JaquelineHyOnChristmasSpirit Tue 01-Jan-13 13:36:05

As vile as you believe your Step Mum to be your Dad allowed her and still allows her to treat you and your sisters the way she does. He treats you this way also, he did all those things to you as well.

You cannot lay the blame solely at her door, this is the typical female response of blaming the other woman.

They have both behaved appalingly and you either invite both or invite neither.

If you invite just him then you may as well say all is forgiven Dad you can behave however you wish I will never blame you and he will continue to be a weak willed fool and allow his wife to treat you, your sisters and your children however she wishes.

Kalisi Tue 01-Jan-13 13:54:22

Complete no brainer for me. I wouldn't even mention your marriage to either of them. Seems obvious to me that your Dad will either choose her again and not turn up ( therefore giving them the opportunity to snub YOU on YOUR wedding day) or she'll turn up anyway ( even if it's just to drop him off) and create a shadow over the day.
Neither of them deserve a place at your Wedding.

thegreylady Tue 01-Jan-13 14:01:10

Blood is thicker than water but she is none of your blood-she is just a bucket of dirty water-sling her out of your life. Tell your dad he is welcome at your wedding but you can't accommodate her.

manicbmc Tue 01-Jan-13 14:05:35

Yoghurt is also thicker than water. wink

Don't invite either of them. On past form, he's going to bring her anyway. You can always try a heart to heart with him and explain how you feel.

This should be your and your partner's day.

Thumbwitch Tue 01-Jan-13 14:23:15

Actually, if you can get away with it without upsetting the rest of your siblings, I'd probably not invite your Dad either, depending on how much you want him to be there - but it would also probably ruin your bridge-building exercise with him if you don't. I agree with the posters who say that he's more to blame for the hurt to your mum and you, really, than the SM - he's the one who brought her into your life, after all!

But families are tricky things - and it's not necessarily worth falling out completely with family who you're currently ok with if they're going to have a strop about your Dad not being invited.

If, OTOH, you think there's the slightest risk that she'd just turn up, then don't do it. Make sure neither of them know anything about it.

awaiting2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:26:06

Seems to me like another opportunity to throw shit at you from both your Step Mum and Dad. Please be one step ahead and be the assertive one by not inviting them and by showing them that it is not OK to treat people like shit.

Op first of all congratulations to you.
I empathise with you, I also have a father who had an affair and a wicked step mother, I don't have a relationship with my father anymore after various occasions where he behaved like a knob head (that's a whole other thread!)
When DH and I got married I sent an invitation to my fathers workplace, address just to him, my thinking was that as my wedding was a Friday afternoon he could come from work see me get married and she would never need Know. The week after I sent the invitation I got a card written in my step mothers writing saying that she, my father and step siblings would not be able to attend.
IMO when you get married you do it with the belief that it will be the one and only time you do it, so it should be a wonderful, relaxed and happy occasion involving all the people you love not a day filled with anxiety and worry over others behaviour.
Invite the people you WANT not those you feel you SHOULD and I wish you endless happiness and good luck, enjoy it smile

simplesusan Tue 01-Jan-13 15:28:27

I too would be tempted to go abroad or further afield in the uk with close friends and a few relatives.

I am also wary of blaming "the wicked stepmother". Sorry to hammer hom ethe message but where was your dad when all this evil was taking place?
Why didn't he tell you about your dog?
Why didn't he wrap your Christmas presents?
Why didn't he book the car for his own daughter's wedding?
Why on earth has he left all this for your stepmother to do?

I am not denying that she is not a nice person, who knows but he is your father and harsh as it souds, was the one who left you, not your stepmother.

I doubt whether he has the strength of character to come alone but if you feel you must, invite him but make it clear that only he is invited.
Be prepared for him to come up with an excuse as to why he can't possibly come to his daughter's wedding though.

TBH if it were me I would be happiest for neither your dad or his partner to come.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Tue 01-Jan-13 15:37:43

I don't think it's very likely he will come without her but do think it's for the best. Maybe start out the convo with asking why you weren't invited to there's.

ImaginateMum Tue 01-Jan-13 16:11:14

I think there are evil stepmothers.

I count an evil stepmother as a woman who wants not just the man, but also to shove the men's children out of the picture and is happy to manipulate situations to that end.

I do think their men enable them though.

burntcake Wed 02-Jan-13 07:21:04

ImaginateMum

I really do not understand that though. It's not like they are the other woman. What is there to be jealous about? Is it that they remind him of their DM?

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