to be hurt by this

(40 Posts)
tenby84 Mon 31-Dec-12 17:19:39

I have some relatives who live overseas. We don't see them very often but when we do we get on extremely well. They are such a lovely couple. It turns out that their son lived a different life. The end result being him losing his life.
All the family are devasted and the whole thing has been made worse by the level of interest in the papers.
My dhs response was in my opinion unsympathetic. All he really said was something like "if you live that kind of life". No poor x and y, they must be devasted.
Also having 3 boys myself I have been quite affected by it too. I also feel so much for that lovely couple. Aibu to think he should be more sympathetic.

tenby84 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:48:49

Apologies for being vague. Don't want to give too much info and out them. Whilst i accept we don't see them often we are close. (Or maybe i am) Both they and i have also lost closer family members in the last 2 years. The mum a brother, and me a brother and dad.

tenby84 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:51:14

O and those deaths were natural causes. I also remember how bad my mum felt when she lost her son and this wasn't sensationalised in the tabloids.

tenby84 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:56:08

Also i accept i don't know the son. I was extremely shocked to discover he was leading that kind of life. I do, however know the parents still love him and are devasted.
Maybe it was a kneejerk reaction after reading newspaper but it does concern me.

MrsDeVere Mon 31-Dec-12 21:04:13

I know a lot of bereaved parents.
Some have lost their children in appalling ways, things that have been in the papers etc.
Their grief is as real and raw as mine. Its harder for them because they don't get the sympathy I do. Their children dealt drugs or had been in prison etc. They also have to read people's vile comments on the internet and be doorstepped by the press.

Their adult sons and daughters were once babies and toddlers and their parents loved them. Their parents's lives have been shattered.

They are worthy of anyone's sympathy IMO.

I am sorry for your loss OP and for that boy's parents.

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 31-Dec-12 21:11:39

Tenby

I think that it depends on your DH's response to the loss of your brother and dad.

tenby84 Mon 31-Dec-12 21:44:20

mrsdevere what a beautiful post. That has just made me cry again. Dh was supportive in a practical way but looking back probably could have done more in an emotional way. I think he finds it hard to deal with people getting upset.

everlong Mon 31-Dec-12 21:47:07

mrsdevere has the biggest heart and the wisest mind. A lovely lady.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 31-Dec-12 21:51:37

The tragedy is in the timing often. I work with homeless people, some of whom are drug users and have broken their parents' hearts. However, often people come out of it. I had one client who I spoke to on Mother's Day three years ago and convinced to send a card to his Mum (even though they were estranged). She wrote back and they spoke. I saw him a couple of months ago and he has been clean for over a year. He now has a relationship with his mother for the first time in decades. He could have died while he was still using and offending, he didn't. I always saw that he was a good 'un. Under it all. However, I wouldn't have wanted to be his mother 5 years ago.

OP, you are NBU to understand that loss is loss, however it looks from the outside.

ImperialBlether Mon 31-Dec-12 22:21:32

Have to say that MrsDeVere is in my thoughts more than anyone else I 'know' online.

Happy New Year.

FarrahFawcettsFlick Mon 31-Dec-12 22:34:36

Sometimes in these situations I think people have already done their grieving. Struggling to help the person during their lifetime or cutting them off at some point and 'moving' on. Rather like dementia carers. You mourn the passing of the person you once knew until the person is gone and the shell remains <sorry grandad>.

At the end is release and grief for the person they once were and all that could have been. And the guilt for feeling the release.

MrsDeVere Mon 31-Dec-12 23:07:58

everlong and Imperial
You are very kind to say those things. Thank you.

Wishing you all a Kind New Year x

peaceandlovebunny Tue 01-Jan-13 00:13:15

their adult sons and daughters were once babies and toddlers and their parents loved them
this is true. and some of them had a really bad start and little guidance.
God be with anyone who is thinking of lost loved ones.

LeftyLucy Tue 01-Jan-13 04:41:12

One of my favourite things about Mumsnet is Mrs DeVere.

Sympathies to you tenby.

Wishing a Happy New Year to you both.

mathanxiety Tue 01-Jan-13 04:58:53

It's always better to be kind.

mathanxiety Tue 01-Jan-13 04:59:10

And what does it cost for the most part?

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