To wish I didn't hate my SIL?

(85 Posts)
ThreadWorms Mon 31-Dec-12 00:00:27

I have NCed for this as I don't want to be outed. I also realise that I will probably get flamed for this but here goes...

I really can't stand my SIL, I would even go as far as to say I hate her. Not even for a good reason. It's making life difficult because I never want to go to family events. If I know I will be seeing her I get what I can only describe as a 'fight or flight' reaction. Even the mention of her name makes my stomach knot. I realise this is only serving to make my life miserable and is a pointless waste of energy. So how do I get over it or do I have a point?

She is my DP's brother's DP. I suppose she can be nice but I have stopped noticing her good points because she is so fucking competitive.

Everything she does or has is 'better' than what I have. If she can't be better, she has things so much worse.

According to her, she has the better brother, he is better looking, much nicer, kinder, thoughtful, helpful, etc. Her DC are more advanced, taller, more clever, better behaved, etc. Her house is bigger, nicer, better than ours. She is obsessed with money, and I have an update on how much her DCs have in their savings account every time I see her. It makes me feel inadequate as the balance is several times what I have amassed for my DCs.

She is also very critical of the way I do things. She has a way of sneering at my choices, particularly my parenting choices. But then she can be perfectly lovely in the next breath so then I think I am imagining things.

She just makes me feel so shit about myself. I can't blame her entirely as I suffer from low self esteem and her comments only reinforce my self doubt. I am ashamed to admit that I am jealous of her.

So how do I get over it and stop playing into her competitive games as I invariably can't win anyway? I don't feel the same competitiveness or jealousy with other people, even when they have things or lifestyles I aspire to but then they don't tend to ram it down my throat either. How do I look beyond this and forge a better relationship with my SIL?

I want a gold antique lamp post in the garden now...

Countyourchickens Sun 05-Oct-14 19:23:13

I have a friend a bit like this. I say friend asin many ways she can be great but jeez can she boast. Money, holidays, house improvements, all of it is fair game. I do not share any details of my life in what ever she is boasting about and just look uninterested.I sympathise. If you are forced to see these people regularly it is pretty awful.

Marzipanface Sun 05-Oct-14 19:35:04

Do we have the same sister in law?? If it helps in anyway I discovered my SIL was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and behind the excessive perfectionism and competition, she was had a lot of unseen issues regarding self-esteem. Sad for her but also made me realise that the problem was her not me. Once discovered, I found I was able to deal with her with more compassion and understanding.
There often can be a lot going on behind the scenes.

You could follow up Narrowboat's idea with pretending that you don't like said item after all.....Once she's gone and bought it and waved it around in front of you. grin

Seriously, though, I've always been told it's vulgar to discuss or boast about money in any way, and I once heard this being said to someone I knew who was similar to your SIL, in the middle of a large gathering. Wish I'd had the balls, it made this person go very pale and stalk off.

ImNoClownIWontBackDown Sun 05-Oct-14 20:13:34

I don't like my SIL either. I used to feel the same as the OP but I have dealt with it by being really REALLY nice to her. For some reason this works, I think because in your head you know you are being patronising when you complement her on her lovely house, but no one can call you on it grin. I also think it helps you to distance yourself from her behaviour if you don't let yourself be wound up by it. You can carry on secretly hating her but don't let on! wink

Spindarella Sun 05-Oct-14 20:13:56

Do you know, I have a similar relationship with my SIL? What struck me was you saying you end up joining in and are as bad as each other and you're a little jealous.

I'm exactly the same and I don't know why. I actually really like my SIL, she's a good, kind, funny woman but for a while there was an undercurrent between us and like you it seemed heightened when we had children around the same time. No idea why.

I think sometimes, when my life wasn't going so great (money worries) hers seemed like a mirror to mine only with a better reflection - we both married brothers and had small children but I was trying to invent new things to do with tinned beans and she was off on hen weekends. She can be quite dramatic but somehow, when I'm happy with my own life, I find it endearing rather than annoying.

Not sure if anything I've said helps, but sometimes it's just a help to know you're not alone!

Littlef00t Sun 05-Oct-14 20:49:08

I like the idea of mentioning you're planning on buying/doing something expensive in the hope she wastes money on it first.

DameEdnasBridesmaid Sun 05-Oct-14 20:57:32

This thread is over 18 months old? Just saying.

Spindarella Sun 05-Oct-14 20:59:36

Oh bloodyhell didn't notice.

Quadrophonic Sun 05-Oct-14 21:21:53

I 've got a work colleague exactly like this. Her kids are sportier, taller, more intelligent, slept better, ate better, academically better, you name it, her kids have done it.

Her holidays are more relaxing, more upmarket, her house is bigger, her car is newer, her neighbours nicer etc.

I now call her black cat. If you've got a black cat she got a fxxxing blacker one.

I try not to let it wind me up but some days I could strangle the bint.

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