Trying not to hate parents

(70 Posts)
Babybirdz Sun 30-Dec-12 23:22:02

Well , my mother has just been over and as usual been complaining that I don't go and visit her or my dad who live 10 minutes away. I don't go for several reasons

* my sister in law who lives them will not speak to me properly, make eye contact and there Is an awful atmosphere whenever I go.( my DB told me that when he got married that she disliked me. ( she doesn't even know me )My parents were aware of this years ago but ensured the subject was never raised with her so as not to create tension!!

* my mother is a very highly critical person. Nothing I ever did when I was younger was ever good enough, not the housework, not the ironing,the cooking etc

* I have suffered from depression and an eating disorder during my teenage years and my mum knew but never did anything to help me. I know this because I was drying the dishes once and she said she new I always went upstairs after a meal to vommit.

*my parents were both physically violent towards me when I was younger and I can't bear for my Dd to go and see them, they criticise her, for running in the house when she is an active girl, when she makes a mess( plays toys on the sitting room floor)

I am 30 in stable happy marriage. I am of Asian origin hence my family telling me to be less selfish and visit them every day. Family unit is extremely important to them.

50shadesofpink Tue 08-Jan-13 19:17:29

I understand what you are saying and although I'm not Muslim it is expected that I be kind to my parents, respect them etc - it's a given. In the same way it is expected that I be kind to and respect my children.

Just because you give birth to someone it does not mean that you treat them in a negative, controlling way. Could you make your child feel the way your mother has made you feel?

Work on your self esteem and confidence and in turn you will feel stronger not to allow your mother to make you feel the way you have described.

Babybirdz Mon 07-Jan-13 21:09:40

She called again stating she phoned me x amount of times today. I kept it vague but did pick up. It looks really obvious now and to be honest I feel crap talking to her being distant with her which I have been for past few days when I've seen her. I am a practising Muslim and kindness to parents is very important. I find myself trying to balance the 2, which is why I end up feeling guilty when she sounds all down. At the end of the day she did give birth to me and raise me and I need to show respect to her, but in turn I need to toughen up and just make do with her criticisms. That's my honest thought.

50shadesofpink Mon 07-Jan-13 20:22:19

Don't be tempted to call back!
When you speak to her all you need to say is 'I was busy' - keep details vague. Have you got an answering machine?

Babybirdz Mon 07-Jan-13 20:00:32

*missed calls

Babybirdz Mon 07-Jan-13 19:59:59

Well, so far there's been two missed called from DM that I haven't picked up. Could be more as I've been out with DH!

CaptainVonTrapp Sun 06-Jan-13 18:30:37

Same with talk talk. Good luck birdz. Sounds tricky but theres some good ideas here. My Dad used to ring his Mum regularly 10 minutes before her favourite tv programme wink

Babybirdz Sat 05-Jan-13 23:10:42

Captain- I'm with talk talk. I know, we are always taught to respect our elders as well as elders are always right but that's sadly not the case.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 05-Jan-13 22:22:42

Are you with BT. Go online to your account. Enable the 'privacy package'. It's free but includes caller id. If you ask for caller id you'll have to pay.

My friend's PIL behave in a despicable way when they visit his home. He tries to ignore it because you have to be respectful to your elders. And yet their behaviour is beyond rude and is completely based on the idea that they can actually get away with anything becase they are older, wtaf..??

Babybirdz Sat 05-Jan-13 22:12:33

DH couldn't do that. He's very kind hearted. He would never assert that authority over me even if it was only for show.

nailak Sat 05-Jan-13 22:05:40

this thing about community, it is just peer pressure, parents give in to the pressure of their peers while at the same time expecting their kids to not give in to it.

the sis in law thing is a game, in all seriousness i would say just give nice gifts to the kids, and carry on being the person you are.

cant dh have some sort of change of personality where he has realised he has to be an amir(head of household) and cant let his wife and kids run riot or something? lol then he can "stop" you from going?

Babybirdz Sat 05-Jan-13 21:42:00

Nailak- I do completely understand where you're coming from. DM has asked previously if its DH stopping me from going over. Ive always laughed and answered to her saying he is not like that, and she knows that full well. In turn they have pressurised DH in telling me to visit them DAILY!! Yes, DAILY!! Not a chance in hell, unless they want me to have a breakdown.

The responces on this post been a real wake up call for me. I've been thinking for years , I'm wallowing in my own self pity. nothing could be further from the truth.

Nailak- there's more problems in the family than i have even mentioned here. When DB got engaged 5years ago SIL wouldn't speak or make eye contact with me. I thought it must be in my head so made an extra effort with her. Well DB admitted to me that SIL had said to him that she would never accept or like me. After that she plotted and planned incidents in the family which made my DB detest me, then myDf then my DM. Well after years my DM and Df are on the receiving end and completely realise the games she has been playing. DM has often been to my house and explained how SIL has turned DB against them all. But you know what, they refuse to say anything to her.( I refuse to bad mouth her to my DM , I tell DM to confront her)

After all the years of crap I've faced, having my family treat me like shit, partly because of the way they are, partly because SIL was instigating it, they know what the reality is. They have said her parents back in, dare I say it Pakistan are behind her acting this way. The pakmarriage.com article helped me see it too. It's scary how much I could relate to it, I could have written it myself.

What I clearly see now is my parents who are both cowards, who refuse to question her spiteful way.

I don't expect ppl who are not familiar with the culture to fully understand how cunning a person can be and their motives behind it

TheArmadillo Sat 05-Jan-13 21:27:57

wanted to say one thing- don't think of yourself as a weak person. you describe yourself an anxious. this is how you are because of your parents and upbringing, not a flaw in you that makes you react in a certain way to treatment other people could cope with. bullies and abusers often tell their victims that it's the victim's response that is wrong (they are hypersensitive) not the abusers behaviour.

no one could go through what you have and come through completely unscathed. anxiety is a common problem in those from abusive backgrounds. one of the ways to feel back in control is to get therapy and get back in control of the anxious thoughts and behaviours.

you are not weak to have survived through what you have and not crumpled. you are still standing - this is an achievement and not the sign of someone weak or someone who is overly sensitive compared to ' normal' people.

Babybirdz Sat 05-Jan-13 21:03:48

50 shades- I've just realised. Will get on my provider first thing.

peaceandlovebunny Sat 05-Jan-13 20:12:49

nailak = skill.

nailak Sat 05-Jan-13 19:32:13

sis the way around this is to enlist your husbands help and make it look like he is asserting his authority over you lol,

when your parents call say you have to do something for DH,

if you can tell your parents that DH thinks it is not right that you see them so often and dont see your mil as often, and it is disrespectful and people will think there are issues which is why you dont visit mil, so you can only visit your own mother once a week on sunday afternoons. and he requires you to be back before it is dark as he doesnt want you walking in the dark

and he is telling you to focus on your own house and family, that you spend too much time there etc.

The most important thing is your DH is on your side and will support you in your choices.

Personally I do think you should try and maintain some contact, but you need to do it on your terms.

As for your sister in law, the best way to deal with people like that is to be sickly sweet to them. Always compliment them, take food/clothes.gifts for them (even if regifted tat) etc and give it to her in front of everyone! lol

50shadesofpink Sat 05-Jan-13 19:09:50

Excellent! You may have to subscribe to the service though with your phone provider. I tell you it's the best subscription I've signed up for! I now have a choice and I choose not to answer calls from my in laws. They leave a message and DH can choose to respond, or not.

Babybirdz Sat 05-Jan-13 19:00:13

Just purchased a new home phone that displays caller id!

MuddlingMackem Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:04

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:44:50

>>>>> My previous post looks contradictory saying I always obeyed them when I didn't obey them when it really mattered! <<<<

No, what it proves is that you stood up for yourself when it really mattered. smile

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:44:50

My previous post looks contradictory saying I always obeyed them when I didn't obey them when it really mattered!

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:42:22

Thanks to all the posters to all your messages of support. Xx
I will get a number recognising home phone so I don't always pick up.
I will try my best to toughen up, I've never pleased them, so i guess they can criticise me all they want. It's their loss because I was a caring daughter, always polite, did all the housework and always obeyed them.
Not sure if it's worth mentioning but they did harass me for several years to have a forced marriage. I stood my ground then and although it wasn't easy and the abuse escalated I'm glad I did. I did end up having an arranged marriage to a man I approved off and it was the best decision I ever made. I know of others who have gone ahead with forced marriages to live a lifetime if misery. I was a tough cookie at one point in my life. This was without any support. I was completely alone and didn't confide in anyone although my college tutor did pull me to the side one day saying I was loosing weight and wasnt looking quite right. Was everything okay at home? I lied, I was petrified. If I could endure that as a teenager I'm sure I can fight this with the support of my Dh.

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 22:15:23

Just keep putting yourself, your DH and your child first and you can't go wrong. You can't change the past but you can make your future ... Wishing you all the best.

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 22:12:31

50 shades, Defunatrly I need to stop seeing myself as a victim.Im sure around the time of my period I get more emotional and the past comes back to haunt me even more.

I have made some lovely friends who I regularly meet up with at soft play/ park/ lunch/ dinner at mine. I was always conditioned that friends were no good. Glad I'm changing my ways, better late than never.

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 22:03:51

Babybirdz I totally feel for you. I think the fact that you live so close is an issue and it won't be so easy to just disown them. I agree though that you need to work on your confidence - definitely. And I know it's easier said than done to just cut ties. I still have palpitations when I think of my inlaws and anytime my DH suggests I try and 'make up' (it isn't happening) !

Maybe, just a suggestion, you should let the phone go to answering machine on occasions so you are not always available to them. Pretend you are not in when they knock and say later that you were out or busy. Don't always make yourself available to them - what can they do ?!
Do you have any friends locally? A baby/child group you attend or could attend?

You have to stop seeing yourself as the victim (I'm only saying this because I had to do same in respect of inlaws) and seeing yourself as the stronger person. It's your parents loss that they can't treat you like the daughter you deserve to be treated as and that means that there is something wrong with them, not you.

Sorry for any typos etc am typing on an iPhone.

Babybirdz Wed 02-Jan-13 21:39:55

50shades, I understand what your saying. But in reality I won't be able to stop contact. They live 5 mins across the road and phone daily. . Even if I don't go to theirs, they will come to mine. That's just as stressful. Had a good long chat with Dp.Im truly blessed to have him. He says that we can't stop contact, because we would have to explain why. Not everyone will understand why we can't tell them how they are treating me, but to disown them in my heart and let their words go over my head. In reality how is this done? I am a sensitive person and have a history of anxiety. ( I get palpitations going to their house/ speaking to them). I need to grow up and be more confident emotionally and mentally. I know this. But have no idea how to get there. I used to think of suicide/ running away when I was younger ; this is how bad the abuse was. I locked myself in my bedroom once whilst my father stood outside threatening to cut my throat with a kitchen knife. How do i work on my confidence?

50shadesofpink Wed 02-Jan-13 21:24:27

Being of Asian background I can relate to you about culture, respect, izat etc and totally know where you are coming from, although my parents are nothing like yours my inlaws are. I have therefore cut them off! I came to a point in my life after having my child and continuing to take their crap to say no more! If you can't respect me then get out of my life! I have seen them since!

Sometimes you have to forget about what people might say of think and think of yourself. You sound as if you have a lovely family - your DH, child and inlaws. Embrace that and move on. If you want to continue to see your parents, do so but on your terms. Keep it simple - hi, bye and that's it. Do the minimum and don't feel bad about it!

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